Early Bird

As the world sleeps I am awake, finding peace in solitude and comfort in the silence. The early hours of the night welcome me with open arms, like a mother reaching out for her child.

Finally, I feel like I belong once more.

Half of my day has already passed, my work is almost done, all I have left is to put pen to paper or rather fingers to keys and write these simple 400 words.

It’s getting easier.

Perched in a familiar coffee shop I am still largely unknown, the men and woman who reside here in the early hours of the morning are those of high business class, or at least that is what they would have you believe. However their desperate attempt to jumpstart their bodies as what I can only assume was night of broken sleep shows me differently.

Among the zombies dragging their heels there are a few who are awake and walking powerfully with purpose. Each one of these rare people notices me watching the flock, they give a polite nod as a gesture of their appreciation for a fellow person welcomed by the abyss.

There is a focus in their eyes, a determination in their spiritual presence and an unrelenting desire to achieve.

Presumptuous it might be for me to assume all of that from nothing more than a simple pacing glance, but I know enough to trust my gut and it never steers me wrong in such things. That is why I have decided to follow my instincts once more, to cast aside the voices of the others in my head and make each step because I choose to, not because I’m told.

I had become mired in the mud, but now I have pulled myself out.

Time alone, time to plan, time to create, time to grow. I never realised how much I enjoy being a shadow, a nameless face that smiles because he can, not because he should. It’s so easy to get caught up in everything that we start to get dragged down. I have a long way to go, there are still issues that need to be resolved but I will tackle them head on as I always have.

The colour grey still resonates around me, the cloud has not lifted but at least it has broken enough so that I can see the radiant blue sky that await on the other side.

This is another part of my journey, no doubt one of many more to come.

Will you join me through writing and verse?

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Butterflies Wings

Trust is like a butterflies wings, Beautifuly strong yet fragile, Easily damaged and even easier to break. A butterfly cannot survive without its wings just as people without trust.

Some seem surprised at my ability to simply cut off those closest to me.

How can you do that?” Is the question asked by many, the answer is simple. Experience. We all have ethics, principles and beliefs yet when something conflicts with one of these it has the potential to escalate into something much worse… something that I do not wish people to see.

A deep underlying flaw in my character that stems from troubled times, times of violence.

In times past I was not above seeking out the cause of the problem and eliminating it by any means, be those verbal or physical. Anything that threatened that which I held dear would be reduced to ashes in the wake of my anger. For many years I struggled to understand and learn ways in which to calm the fires of my soul, and in time I achieved this and now it takes exceptional circumstances to break this control I have over myself, as strong as it is it’s not absolute.

When these circumstances are met I can feel myself slipping, my thoughts become fractured and incoherent, random some may say. When this begins to happen I retreat and find comfort in isolation and meditation, if my thoughts continue to revert or are still disrupted I find myself with only two options both of which will end in loss.

One is to surrender to the side I keep locked away from the world and confront the problem, the second is to remove all that is intrinsically linked with the tormenting ethical clash and walk away.

I have walked away from people who I once could not imagine life without only to see them in years to come with a perfect sense of hindsight. That is why I walk away, experience has taught me it’s the best way.

If one chooses to step into quicksand knowing what it is and the potential dangers leave them be, they will be ok for a time, slowly sinking until there is no way out, that is unless they choose differently or have the strength to pull themselves out.

We are all saddened by loss, sometimes though, it’s inevitable.

History Always Repeats

I thought this pain was from memories of old, I was wrong.

To feel someone pulling away once again is truly crippling.

I have finally realised what it is, I now understand they reason, I understand why…. I let people in.

I hide in plain sight, all my feelings are there to be seen and yet they are unrecognisable to those who have meant the most.

I can look into their eyes and know how they feel, every thought, every hope, every dream and every fear.

To see them begin to pull away because they do not understand me just hurts more every time it happens.

To be the one who always takes the risks, who always let’s people in even though they don’t realise it seems to be the very reason I suffer.

Patience is lost in our world, so many cannot see beyond their own self preservation, so many cannot see what could be if only they had waited.

“She would have been so happy if she had waited. I just want to grab her and shake her”

Once this was said to me by someone who I thought understood, it’s funny how people forget the little things that are so important.

Now once again I feel like there is an amassing weight gathering around me ready to fall and crush me. Maybe this wasn’t meant to be my happy ending, only another chapter in the pages of my history.

Words I have said seem to have meant little to nothing so many times. People have said they struggle to know me, they struggle to understand me…. If they trusted me they would know their answers.

There was so much I had to say, all I was waiting for was the right time to make that leap. Now such secrets would only be forced, I can feel the cold hand of fate reaching into me once again, clutching a healing heart ready to squeeze.

“What will be will be” horrible words, created for people who do not wish to make a choice and lose their control even if only for a second.

Horrible words that follow us all throughout life and offer an escape for those who never truly want to let go.

Horrible words that have no place in my life.

No Man Needs Nothing

“In the desert there is nothing, no man needs nothing”

The concern of one friend is appreciated yet unnecessary, her concern showed true emotion filled with anger, compassion and fear along with apathy due to the fact of truth’s I had disclosed to her about the seemingly endless games, whispers and torments. My choice was to tackle these along for the simple reason of explaining would be to taxing.

Her conclusion was a simple one “Admit you’re still in love with her” a narrow view of a far broader picture filled with holes, ripped seams and broken boarders.

Love is a strange entity were big things have small beginnings and if seen for what they are can develop into something incredible, not the case for my story.

“It would be easy to open the door allowing the very essence that drives me to consume those around me, drawing them in and allowing them to know my inner most thoughts all my fears, hope and dreams but I was not ready to open that door again for anyone despite being more open now than ever before. I can feel myself hardening; the lingering pain of the events of recent times was residing regardless because of my acceptance of the choices that had been made. ”