Flurrying Emotions

A flurry of emotion was enraged at the very mention of her name. My heart rate sky rocketed, my pupils dilated and the adrenaline surged through my body.

Every conceivable feeling coursed through my body: Fear, Anxiety, Sadness, Happiness, Confusion, Hate and one which I wish i had never felt.

Once again the past is trying to drag its self up and cause me more torment. Why is it that which died so long ago keeps being reborn like the Phoenix from the ashes?

I act normal and many are unaware of the storm I conceal, no one can see it. The mental pressure is only released when I remember those words screamed at me what seems like a life time ago. These words echo through my very soul and pull at the scars of the heart, the emotion wants to burst out and erupt like a volcano. I cannot let this happen, for it will be the end of me.

The more the instinct of emotion takes hold the less I see. It like as if the world around me begins to fade to black, it feels like dying. The more I feel this the more it feels like something else takes over… something dark.

After regaining control I feel drained, but at least I’m still me, at least I’m still alive.

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Clear Skies & Open Roads

“I was in love once, what happened? That person died along time ago”

In the wake of the unexpected apology from “Kain” close friends revel in this news that I have imparted onto them, those who sat and listened finally had a close to my story. Still though they had one last question to ask which was constant through all of my kin “would you take her back if she came to you?”

Their advice was also unanimous “don’t, you have pulled yourself out of Hell. Don’t fall back in.”

My answer remains the same to all who ask me that question “No” I could see behind their eyes they all had the same look, a look that thought I would do otherwise if that situation arose. Each of them knew of my feelings but only one asked why I would say no, and that person was “Freya”.

I loved her with all my heart and soul, I was willing to sacrifice anything for her even my own essence to see her safe. I might not have been able to offer wealth, security or a luxurious life style but what I would have given her was that one thing I never saw myself offering anyone else.

Me. All my trust, my love, my very soul. I would have loved her until the skies parted and the heavens called, never looking back because for me.she was enough and all I ever needed to do to know that in my heart was stare into her beautiful eyes and see the way she would look back at me… that was and always would have been enough.

Alas for her I was not enough and I never would have been because if I meant to her what she claimed, if she had the untold amount of love for me that she professed she would have been with me. It’s that simple.

Instead I was cast aside and stricken from her feelings and her life.

I was a rock that she was able to pick up and hold when it suited her and then thrown into the dark well of despair when she found a treasure that she wanted more. 

To offer your very essence to someone and have them cast it into darkness with no hesitation, remorse or regret filled my once pure heart with chaos and pain.

A chaos I fought to gain control of and a pain I had to purge from my life. 

If she was to have felt how she claimed I would not be sitting here alone with only the rays of the sun to restore the warmth of my heart. 

That is why my answer will always be no.

The woman I loved ceased to exist the person I see now I no longer recognise, it’s a sad story but it is my story.

“So ends this chapter in my life, full of so much promise only to end in pain, suffering and torment. It’s time to write the next chapter with a smile safe in the knowledge that for the right person I know I will be able to take that leap of faith and give myself to her.”

Behind my Eyes

“Behind my eyes you can see the pain if you look deep enough”

Only hours have passed since the attempt to appeal to my heart. It feels as if time has all but stopped and a weight is stopping me from moving in any direction it feels like I’m stuck paralyzed in limbo with only darkness as my companion.

She has dragged me too a place I thought I had left behind, once again I am stood on the edge of madness and for all the people I have seen today not one has seen it. 

Struggling to control the flurry of emotion tearing me apart each second this day goes by the same question collides with the walls of my mind “why speak to me and act as if care when your actions and your words prove otherwise” the look of self pity and fear I saw causes me only more pain because it was an inward expression of concern because she now realises that someone truly hates her and sees her for the pathetic excuse of a human that she is.

My words are filled with anger an expression of the anguish I have suffered, even  here in this moment in time I can hear her voice “I’m not evil, I’m not a horrid person” try as I might to banish her plaguing presence from my mind it is tearing me apart. 

To be capable of treating someone who you once upon a time claimed love with such disregard such apathy because of a need for the self preservation of an image just shows how some people in this world are truly heartless.

I can feel my self being consumed by pure malice, I have not lead a perfect life I have hurt people in the past  but I always told them the truth despite the pain they would suffer the truth at least leaves reason, understanding that my feelings had changed but were real. From all I had heard these recent months all I had was lies, the words of yesterday caused my heart to scream in pain “there was nothing between us” still haunted by her phantom voice I can hear her say it…. it feels like reaper himself clutching my heart.

To believe everything i had been told to indulge my hearts desires only to discover it was meaningless was punishment that even I cannot endure, how I have not broken is beyond my own understanding.

Funny thing is no one could see any of this.

“Perhaps she was right and it is all in my head… maybe the way I she looked at me was never there, the love was never real and maybe I had gone mad”