It’s Finally Gone

“Just like that the weight of a thousand ages had been lifted from my shoulders”

Countless thoughts, feelings, memories and stories have been written in the blog and after the revelations of the last few days my pain has finally gone…

Thinking back to the times I tried to help and failed, thinking back through all the pain I suffered without hesitation for her, I finally knew there was nothing more I could do. My last act was carried out only a couple of days ago and yet it feels like so much longer.

I was told by “Kain” that he and his son were trying desperately to pull “April” out of a destructive situation, Knowing that they are doing all they can was comforting yet sad.

Why was it sad? Because who I once knew was truly lost and there was no chance of her ever returning.

The person that was now left in her place I wished not ill towards, but with all my heart I prayed for her safety and happiness with  hope one day she has a chance to find love. I thought I could have given her all of this but that was written in the stars for us. I hope that one day she might be free of her own darkness that surrounds her.

Finally letting go of the memory of the girl I had held onto for so long was hard, to let go of everything, the hope, dreams, feelings and memories is not something you can plan it just happens when you’re ready, I shed no tears and felt no pain, there was nothing else left for me to do but continue my life.

I am sure I will have times where something will trigger a vagrant memory; it’s only human to remember someone who you loved with all of your heart.

Strange really, my eyes have been opened as has my heart.

It’s time to live, and who knows maybe one day I will meet someone worth letting in again and when I do I will not be afraid of getting hurt because if I have another chance to be as happy as I felt with her it will be worth the risk.

“She would always have been enough, always”

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Clear Skies & Open Roads

“I was in love once, what happened? That person died along time ago”

In the wake of the unexpected apology from “Kain” close friends revel in this news that I have imparted onto them, those who sat and listened finally had a close to my story. Still though they had one last question to ask which was constant through all of my kin “would you take her back if she came to you?”

Their advice was also unanimous “don’t, you have pulled yourself out of Hell. Don’t fall back in.”

My answer remains the same to all who ask me that question “No” I could see behind their eyes they all had the same look, a look that thought I would do otherwise if that situation arose. Each of them knew of my feelings but only one asked why I would say no, and that person was “Freya”.

I loved her with all my heart and soul, I was willing to sacrifice anything for her even my own essence to see her safe. I might not have been able to offer wealth, security or a luxurious life style but what I would have given her was that one thing I never saw myself offering anyone else.

Me. All my trust, my love, my very soul. I would have loved her until the skies parted and the heavens called, never looking back because for me.she was enough and all I ever needed to do to know that in my heart was stare into her beautiful eyes and see the way she would look back at me… that was and always would have been enough.

Alas for her I was not enough and I never would have been because if I meant to her what she claimed, if she had the untold amount of love for me that she professed she would have been with me. It’s that simple.

Instead I was cast aside and stricken from her feelings and her life.

I was a rock that she was able to pick up and hold when it suited her and then thrown into the dark well of despair when she found a treasure that she wanted more. 

To offer your very essence to someone and have them cast it into darkness with no hesitation, remorse or regret filled my once pure heart with chaos and pain.

A chaos I fought to gain control of and a pain I had to purge from my life. 

If she was to have felt how she claimed I would not be sitting here alone with only the rays of the sun to restore the warmth of my heart. 

That is why my answer will always be no.

The woman I loved ceased to exist the person I see now I no longer recognise, it’s a sad story but it is my story.

“So ends this chapter in my life, full of so much promise only to end in pain, suffering and torment. It’s time to write the next chapter with a smile safe in the knowledge that for the right person I know I will be able to take that leap of faith and give myself to her.”

Endless

“We all suffer pain yet all live on hope that one day we will wake up and it will be gone”

New memories have grown and flourished recently helping to easy the stream of pain I have been feeling, friends who I supported offered their comfort and I accepted the distractions they offered and some even tried to listen but were met with “I’m good, don’t get me wrong feelings that strong don’t just go away but they change and well I despise her now so I guess that’s progress right”… the truth of the matter was the feelings were in flux like a pendulum swinging from one side which was bathed in darkness and hate settling only briefly to fall towards the immense pain and hurt I felt; each time thee feelings were reached it almost brought me to my knees.

Hiding this was difficult, all it took was a song, a smell, a sight, a word or phrase to cause a tear in the very fabric of my existence forcing me to stop and regain control. Work had become a place I no longer wanted to be I had seen her on separate occasions with all the people involved I noticed how her mood changed, her body actions changed, how the look behind her eyes gave off a sense of sorrow… or perhaps it was just a look of guilt. I noticed each time “Jay” was there she grabbed her right shoulder, she had told me once long ago before we had even become close that she seemed to do it when she was stressed or upset either she truly was in a bad place feeling trapped with no sight of escape or that was another lie she conceived and it was just a habit.

A clear night allowed the celestial beauty of the starts to shine bright leading me to walk with no direction or purpose for hours to clear my mind, I found a bench and just led down and watched the stars “each star so unique, yet always there offering themselves for us to gaze upon” after being led a still as a corpse I decide to continue walking.

My sanity returned and I once again found the pendulum lingering at the darker side of the scale, the pain had gone for now I wondered how long for this time… when would I be free of this torment and the endless swing of the pendulum…

When would I finally stop caring about her.

“Pain is relentless”