What a Waste

There was no reason for it, suddenly though I just began to feel incredibly overwhelmed by sadness.

Could this be a simple mood fluctuation or perhaps something more…

I could sit and think of three people I share close bonds with that could have influenced this feeling, even though they are not in my immediate company. It’s strange but it feels almost like loss. I dislike feelings like this, but it seems I have no choice until, I will have to sit in silence with it until I lose consciousness.

What a waste of life this has become.

More Tears

It hurt to see her cry like that.

All she wants is to love me, but even after all the times I have told her what I need recently she still fails to listen.
It leaves me in a precarious position. Give in out of guilt and pity to have myself feel worse as each day goes by or stay the course and pray she finds her feet on her own… I don’t want the added stress.
To explain what is happening to my body and my mind everyday is hard and largely pointless, because unless the listener has been in this situation or lived with similar they won’t understand.
No one understands.
Doctors are paid to listen and help yet they are always reluctant, the fools. I wonder if they even know how to help an individual such as myself who isn’t sick or dying but degrading long before his time is due, I guess as the most recent one said, i will just have to sit and wait.
It would be so easy to make a physical cry for help. I’ve tried voicing the psychological issues but they have been brushed off. Maybe a physical cry is the only way to really get their attention, but to do that I would have to prepare for the hurt that it would cause as I made all those around me feel helpless to help.
I think this is the problem with people. They want to be enough to help yet can’t fathom why they fail when their help isn’t wants needed. Calling out words of agony “Why am I not enough?!” the answer to that is simple, because you’re not. You’re not enough of what I need right now, none of my family are… but that does not mean that I don’t care, I just want to be alone to get through these troubled times.
We need what we need, we need what we want but very rarely do we need anything else.

It’s Raining Again

It’s raining again, they all look so sad…

Heads are down, umbrellas are up, their clothes are thick and warm. The young rush past the old plashing them with water from the puddles on the ground. The old look disgusted, I guess they have forgotten what it once was to be a child.

Through them all my eye is caught by a lonely person struggling to cross the road, a man I saw quite often. He walks with a limp, each step requires more effort than the last but no one stops to help him… Not even me. I have offered aid to this man before and was met with rejection, he didn’t need my help he said, he didn’t need anyones help.

He reminds me of myself. Always willing to help where ever possible, but never wanting help in return, the worst debt a man can have is one of gratitude because it can never be fully repaid, now one wants to be indebted for eternity, that is why people like you and me will always be alone.

Finally he reaches his destination after his long struggle, then suddenly he drops to the floor like a lifeless rag doll and still no one goes to his aid. I left my belonging unattended to go to him, mere seconds had passed and I was by his side. His eyes where bearly open but he saw me, the half of his face that hadn’t dropped had a reminiscent smile, one final breathe was taken and it was all over.

I did not know this man, but I was the last person he ever saw.

While I knew there was nothing to be done someone had called the emergency services and the arrived not long after me. I wasn’t the only one who saw his struggle, but I was the only one who went out in to the rain. I leave the paramedics to their work as they frantically try everything they can to remove the hand of the reaper.

Leaving the scene I went back to my belonging, they were still there… Nothing had moved, nothing was touched, in fact I doubt anyone noticed I was even gone; or did they?

Humans are interesting creatures. We will do anything for our own, but nothing for others unless there is a benefit. When did we become so distant?

For You…

As the water poured down my back, time seemed to stop and I found myself thinking. Thinking about everything that’s happened over the past few years and the chronicles contained in this blog.

I also thought about all the people who have read what’s been written, along with all those kind enough to like, comment and even share some of the simple musings.

To all and everyone else still reading what gets left here, I just wanted to say one thing…

Thank You.

I am not the greatest writer, nor will I ever be, but if I can but reach even a few people it’s enough.

Crying Without Tears

Sometimes sitting alone is the worst thing you can do.

Being left alone with your thoughts can be a dangerous thing, especially with a mind as broken as my own. 

Today I suffered not only a disappointment, but worst of all a grave injustice and deprivation to my character.

False truths and sullied stories with no proof or evidence, spiteful hearsay and hurtful slander spouted from times long ago.

Of all the stories that could have been told, this one hurts the most.

I didn’t ask for the memories to be dragged up, nor did I want them to be. Considering the version I’ve just heard makes me sound like an obsessed madman fuelled by jealousy and lust, I can honestly say I want to sit in a corner separated from all that is real and just cry.

Apparently it came from a letter that was sent to certain people. Incredibly descriptive in it’s nature, it served to be a noose that will now forever haunt me.

How could such things have been said when they were simply not true?

Did I get it all so wrong?

Was I that naive… That foolish… That in love that I couldn’t see what was really going on?

I believed all the lies and cries for help. 

I tried again and again to help but never made the slightest bit of difference, sadly now I know why. 

People are vindictive, cruel and ruled by their ego. 

Being selfless has no place in this world. It will only lead to a place of solitude and ridicule.

I’ve not felt a hurt this immense before. To feel truly worthless is something I wouldn’t wish upon my greatest enemy, so why would they wish it on me…

Funny thing is I can’t even cry. There are no tears, only pain and sadness.

Worst of all this very post will cause only more hurt.

Perhaps I am destined to walk the path alone. Crying without tears.

Perhaps ‘they’ were right all along.

What a fool I am. 

Damaged

The trials of constantly having to prove ones self become tiring.

Each time the justification needs to be met the bigger the distance between us becomes, eventually there is no way to cross over anymore and we are left on separate sides of the chasm.

The ground was finally split be the vagrant thoughts of a random dream, it left a cut so deep in the group that mother earth could do no more. The fault is cast on to one side, as it always is.

Time and again I have shouldered the blame, repeatedly, always.

Nothing is ever enough, more is needed, more is wanted, more of my soul. They say to give yourselves to one another, yet they fail to mention the price you will pay.

Paranoia, jealousy, obsession and greed consume.

From another small journey I have learnt much about myself.

I lost a large part of me all those years ago. While there is no longer any feelings of love, remorse, anger or even hate I have come to realise that I am still damaged. Perhaps beyond repair.

The idea of my being seems to draw people in, much like a poisoned plant luring in helpless animals. They soon begin to understand what is beneath the colours and claim that I have changed, the sad truth being I’m the same as I was, but now they see everything.

None ever seeks to understand the fractured mind. Instead they try to fix it with pieces of their own, as if trying to fix gold with bronze.

Looking across the chasm before me I feel a slight twinge of sadness. It represents another failing in my short lived life. Alas I shall begin again to wander, one day it will all make sense I’m sure.

The Reoccurring Dream

Last night I had the dream. 

You were in pain. 

You were suffocating. Drowning. Slowly dying and no one could see… No one, not even me. 

I had blocked out thoughts of such possibility and accepted the chosen reality. 

Then you were there, stood in front of me. You had to show me something so that I would understand. Your ‘Life’s dance’ you called it. While graceful and divine it was filled with shape turns, rough edges and a look of fear.

You broke down in tears.

I tried not to succumb to the cries of the Banshee. I fought the Sirens call with all of my will, but what I could not bear to see was the pain in your eyes. It tore me apart, both heart and soul.

I pulled you close. I told you everything would be ok. 

I had lied. 

Nothing would ever be ok… Not for you. Instead the lie that had now become the truth was all you had.

It’s all you would ever have. 

The Lonely Man

The coffee shop is full of people as per the norm.

Friends, family, colleagues and more.

In amongst the crowd a lone man catches my eye, it seems no one else has seen or taken any notice of him; it is like he’s a ghost among the living. No older than myself but very slight in frame and stature, drinking a large hot chocolate with a sultry look. The more I focus on watching his small and gentle movements, the more fascinated I become. He raises the drink to sip it every 7 seconds as if part of a clockwork routine, then I begin to feel a cold sorrow filling my soul.

I take notice of his clothes; slightly worn in, but about 20 years behind the current fashion trends. A plastic rain mack is draped over his chair, he seems old before his time, he seems to be living a life that isn’t really his.

A short time passes, possibly 5-10minutes at the most and then he leaves.

My eyes follow him, he limps towards the door and struggles to pull it open. I decide to stand and help him. He looks at me with a sad smile and says thank you.

Then he was gone.

Now I am sat here wondering, thinking about so many different things, perhaps I was wrong about him. Maybe I wasn’t seeing what I thought, maybe I was simply seeing my reflection cast on a vacant face.

Dancing on the stream

The rain does dance on the stream
A colourless quartet appears before me
They dance, I listen, what could it mean

Sharp winds cleave the leaves from the trees
Falling in time, slowly, right before my eyes
Such unscripted beauty makes interesting thief’s

The rain stops, the clouds clear the sky
A cold chill is left in the air
That moment was shared by no one else but I.

A World of Cardboard

I feel like I live in a world made of cardboard. I have to take constant care not to breaking something, to break someone.

No matter how hard I fight the path before me, I can’t change a thing.

It’s a helpless situation of my own creation, and the fates are cruel. I now understand why is it we make the same mistakes again and again, it’s because we want to believe our own lies. We want to believe we can do the right thing and achieve the best outcome in every aspect of our lives.

This is an illusion.

I have written before that there will always be winners and losers, but no matter how true this statement is, I never wanted to believe it.