I wasn’t prepared for that encounter.

Buried emotion has hit my harder than a train and let me sat here struggling to keep a straight face. Why do we do it to ourselves? It’s just not worth it, the pain is not worth the pleasure that precedes it.

It’s clear to me that I still feel as strongly as I ever did but she, as before, seems me as nothing more than an ongoing inconvenience.

I should not have admitted that there was always so much I wanted to say whenever our paths crossed. I knew I wouldn’t get the answer I wanted, but I did it to myself anyway. To see her knee jerk reaction was still run bolt int he other direction cut as deep as it did the first time.

Before she ran she told me to make a mental bank of all the things I wanted to say to her, it was at that point I stupidly uttered these words… “If I say what I want it would only make life harder for me.” and at that point the conversation was over. Although I was honest with my words to  her I wouldn’t dare tell her what I really wanted because I know full well I am not strong enough to take her reaction. A blow of that magnitude would only serve to send me backwards.

Instead I will leave those words here, that way they will not haunt me and can be lost in the ether of webspace.

“If I say what I want it would only make life harder for me, but…. That still does not stop he fact I want to throw my arms around you to hold you close and never let go because I am sadly, undeniably still in love with you, but you already know that.”

How pitiful. I am ashamed of myself for still being this weak around her. At this point I would give anything to be free of this pain. I would gladly cut off a piece of myself if it meant I could finally move forwards and away from this, leaving it to fade in to a forgotten memory.

Chance would be a fine thing.

For You…

As the water poured down my back, time seemed to stop and I found myself thinking. Thinking about everything that’s happened over the past few years and the chronicles contained in this blog.

I also thought about all the people who have read what’s been written, along with all those kind enough to like, comment and even share some of the simple musings.

To all and everyone else still reading what gets left here, I just wanted to say one thing…

Thank You.

I am not the greatest writer, nor will I ever be, but if I can but reach even a few people it’s enough.

Crying Without Tears

Sometimes sitting alone is the worst thing you can do.

Being left alone with your thoughts can be a dangerous thing, especially with a mind as broken as my own. 

Today I suffered not only a disappointment, but worst of all a grave injustice and deprivation to my character.

False truths and sullied stories with no proof or evidence, spiteful hearsay and hurtful slander spouted from times long ago.

Of all the stories that could have been told, this one hurts the most.

I didn’t ask for the memories to be dragged up, nor did I want them to be. Considering the version I’ve just heard makes me sound like an obsessed madman fuelled by jealousy and lust, I can honestly say I want to sit in a corner separated from all that is real and just cry.

Apparently it came from a letter that was sent to certain people. Incredibly descriptive in it’s nature, it served to be a noose that will now forever haunt me.

How could such things have been said when they were simply not true?

Did I get it all so wrong?

Was I that naive… That foolish… That in love that I couldn’t see what was really going on?

I believed all the lies and cries for help. 

I tried again and again to help but never made the slightest bit of difference, sadly now I know why. 

People are vindictive, cruel and ruled by their ego. 

Being selfless has no place in this world. It will only lead to a place of solitude and ridicule.

I’ve not felt a hurt this immense before. To feel truly worthless is something I wouldn’t wish upon my greatest enemy, so why would they wish it on me…

Funny thing is I can’t even cry. There are no tears, only pain and sadness.

Worst of all this very post will cause only more hurt.

Perhaps I am destined to walk the path alone. Crying without tears.

Perhaps ‘they’ were right all along.

What a fool I am. 

ASorrow Feeling

If you were to ask me why I felt sad, I couldn’t tell you, because I don’t know the answer. 

It’s strange…

I have nothing to grieve over, no worries or problems, but still there is a deep sense of sorrow filling my heart.

Where is it coming from or perhaps not where, but who.

Sad, alone, scared, running away.

Trying to think of all the possibilities, all the people. Eventually I will find the source of this feeling. Eventually I will have the chance to make it stop. 


The trials of constantly having to prove ones self become tiring.

Each time the justification needs to be met the bigger the distance between us becomes, eventually there is no way to cross over anymore and we are left on separate sides of the chasm.

The ground was finally split be the vagrant thoughts of a random dream, it left a cut so deep in the group that mother earth could do no more. The fault is cast on to one side, as it always is.

Time and again I have shouldered the blame, repeatedly, always.

Nothing is ever enough, more is needed, more is wanted, more of my soul. They say to give yourselves to one another, yet they fail to mention the price you will pay.

Paranoia, jealousy, obsession and greed consume.

From another small journey I have learnt much about myself.

I lost a large part of me all those years ago. While there is no longer any feelings of love, remorse, anger or even hate I have come to realise that I am still damaged. Perhaps beyond repair.

The idea of my being seems to draw people in, much like a poisoned plant luring in helpless animals. They soon begin to understand what is beneath the colours and claim that I have changed, the sad truth being I’m the same as I was, but now they see everything.

None ever seeks to understand the fractured mind. Instead they try to fix it with pieces of their own, as if trying to fix gold with bronze.

Looking across the chasm before me I feel a slight twinge of sadness. It represents another failing in my short lived life. Alas I shall begin again to wander, one day it will all make sense I’m sure.

A Colour Blind World

“People say the world is not black or white but shades of grey, I say the world is black or white but made beautiful and unique for every individual by colour… by feelings”

The phrase “the world’s not black or white by shades of grey” is referring to compromise grey is the colour of compromise, this word holds a deeper meaning than many realise, not just meeting in the middle as people think but it seems to me that a compromise is only one sided and the weaker person in the battle of wills is often the first to say “we made a compromise” what they really want to say… “I gave in”.

“A relationship only works if you compromise because it helps you grow together” I have heard many statement’s like this and each is accompanied by a hollow look behind their eyes with this thought “if I didn’t do this I would lose them” fear emanates from the deepest depths of their hearts and each time they find a so called compromise they lose a small part of themselves because it’s not a compromise that is made but a submission.

The world is black & white it is that simple the choices are simple, to lead a life like this would be plain and unfulfilled, it is our feelings that help us see the word in colour and appreciate its beauty.

To hold back your feelings and lie to yourself will leave you colour-blind, two people will see the world in different colours seeing beauty in different things and being together will give them both new colours they never had so they can see more beauty than ever before.

When you find people who share a similar colour pallet with only small changes in shade or tone everything seems so easy but what happens when they have two opposing colours hat clash? You have the choice to accept your partners colour at the sacrifice of your own “compromise” or create a new colour together “acceptance of each other” think about this the next time you have made a compromise, have you both accepted each other’s colour to then create a new colour together? while all the time preserving your individual colours these individual parts of your personality? Or have you chosen to adopt your partners colour, their personality trait at the sacrifice of yours…

Your colours make you unique and the person they fell in love with; why compromise your colours and change who you are for someone else? If you both love each other you will never want to change each other only grow together adding more and more colours to each other’s pallet.

“See the world together and create new colours”