Social Inept Media

Considering we live in a world where everyone is connected 24/7, it amazes me that people freak out if you speak to them physically.

Anxiety is through the roof because of our addiction to this technological terror that we’ve created. It’s almost like people have forgotten how to interact and be around other people.

So many are too comfortable behind the protection of their screens because if something they don’t like is present they can simple block it and pretend it’s not there, that’s not healthy. I’m all for ignoring people being ass-hats however to ignore everything that you disagree with or that ‘offends’ you is just going to make you soft and weak.

I’ve seen people forget sometimes that they’re not behind a screen when they’ve said certain things and gotten a smack in the chops for their troubles. The look of shock on their face always amuses me because of the literal hit of reality. Now it’s true no one should have to be subjected to violence, however if they instigate it, then more fool them.

Personally I’d much rather sit and speak with someone, even if that someone was a person I had conflict with because you can see the measure of a person when you’re face to face, where as behind a screen, you can’t tell shit.

Our lack of people skills is effecting everything; work, play, love, life….

Social media is making us socially inept.

What a world to live in.

 

Not all is even.

She loves me….

She really really loves me and yet I can’t seem to feel anything on that level for her and it tears me apart because she doesn’t deserve anything less. Not all is even and it never will be and that breaks me in two.

I know how much that will hurt and yet I can’t force myself to feel anything past what I do. While there is no question of love, I am not ‘In love’ and there is a big difference between the two.

I’ve seen countless people who love each other live out their lives with something always being missing. They will often now refer to the couple of old who stuck it out because back in ‘their day’ they fixed what was broken rather than throwing it out. While this is true there was also as much if not more infidelity between these old couples because even though they got the emotional support and comfort of the home life they were missing that quintessential part of any relationship that makes the difference, passion.

Years have gone by and I’ve watched so many fires burn out because they only last so long. No this isn’t always the case as some have flames as bright as the day they met and it’s those people I envy the most because that’s how it should be, well, to me that’s how it should be. Yes they will have ups and downs but the fire, the passion will always be there and I don’t see the point in settling for anything less than that because in my heart I know I wouldn’t be faithful because something would always be missing. Harsh but true and even if people say they would never do such things I can tell you from bitter experience that no matter how much you claim to love someone the moment you find the difference between loving someone and being ‘in love’ with someone, nothing else comes close.

Am I Cruel? Probably

Am I Heartless? Possibly

Am I Honest? Every time.

Subtleties & Nuances

It’s not often the girl behind the counter wears make up, even if it is only subtle foundation that is offset by cherry lips and smoky eyes. The funny thing is the apple of her eye hasn’t even noticed the minor effort she has made.

As I watch her eyes subtly glance over hoping to catch his it make me smile. The young dance of a woman trying desperately to catch any attention she can, while as always, her counterpart is completely oblivious to it all.

Is it any wonder people stay alone when they are either obvious to the obvious body language or too scared to simply say the words “I like you.”. The human condition is a simple one, most people want to find another person to do human things with, perhaps they may even love them in time too.

Such a shame that everyone always misses the subtitles and nuances.

Always a Fool

I am quite thehypocrite really.

Even now, after everything that’s happened I still can’t bring myself to not love her. To think, I still feel as strongly now as I did back then, what a pitiful creature I am.

It’s hard to admit that you went through Hell and back for someone who did nothing but lie to you, yet given the same choice I would do it all again for her.

Woman think that men don’t suffer emotional trauma, but this simply isn’t true. They suffer just as much as the next person, they just hide it well.

While it seems true my feelings were unique and I fell for the clever ruse they were still real to me. They are still real now and that is what holds me back, truth be told they will always hold me back because to me I had found that one person who I could truly say I loved more than myself and I would have given my life to protect her. Sadly that was just the dream of a fool caught in the spiders web, it’s doubtful any of it was real for her. I was nothing more than a plaything that could be disposed of when not needed.

Yet being the fool I walked straight in to it.

Oh well. Time to bury it all once more an continue with life. 

A Word of Caution

I found myself giving words of warning to someone who is playing a game I’m all to familiar with. While the choice is theirs alone I know from experience that there are never any winners in the end.

The game is a lot like chess. Some sacrifices are welcome, others are necessary but there will come a time where you eventually lose something precious and that is when you realise the mistake you’ve made.

Life is a game, however in the end the only real winner is time because no one has yet bested it. Therefore why waste the limited moves you have one the games that do nothing but cost you your future because once you lose time you can win it back.

2 Years Already

It’s been two years now…

Two years ago I started this blog as a place where I could come and leave my memories, thoughts, feelings and stories.

Over that time it has changed a lot. There has been a great deal of emotion, most of it falling on the side of melancholy, but despite that people still seem to read what I write.

Why?

There could be any number of reasons I guess. Perhaps it’s out of pity, maybe even curiosity to watch a mind and life slowly fall apart but regardless of what he reasons actually are, I want to say thank you for reading the simple ramblings of a fool.

I know I am not the most gifted writer, nor am I anything that even comes close to a diamond in the rough but at least I can say I always write from the heart, even if mine is damaged at least what I write is what I feel.

Today has been an interesting day, but the second I opened my eyes I just felt sad for no real reason. If I’m honest I still don’t know why I feel sad, but I could quite happily close my eyes and leave it at that today.

I was asked an interesting question by someone who adores me earlier – “Have you been in contact with…” – My answer was no, but I did find a subtle joy in the very real irony that shortly after the mention of her name and being asked that question I saw a man from my past who now hates me with all his soul, along with the obligatory ‘Happy Anniversary’ pop up in my blog notifications as a reminder of where I was on this day all those years ago. It seems there is such a thing as sequential coincidence.

My friend the fates are cruel. They pull the strings and move the pieces in the game that makes up our lives, but in the end I’m sure it will all make sense.

Two years huh…. That’s a long time to ignore something that is with you everyday.

Childish Ego

Is nothing sacred anymore?

Do I have no place let to call my own?

Even this has become tainted by imitation. Could it by I unknowingly impose parts of my soul on people?

I can see how they start to change, yet I, as always, remain the same. My growth seems to be purely selfish and internal, the outward changes very little but what goes on behind the facade couldn’t be more different from what is expected.

As was my fear she is falling apart at the seams. I knew it would happen. Now the blame for this lies at my feet. She will ask question after question, begging for a different answer, denying what she knows to be true but that was always going to be the case. Such is the price to be paid.

I chose to be with her on my own terms because I cared, but the more she tried to force change the colder I became, especially after the endless onslaught of mental strain I’ve muted this year. I made it clear from the first signs of these troubles that I wanted to deal with them alone and that to be near me would come with a risk, my warning fell on deaf ears because like many before the thoughts of her perceived reality and actual reality were very very different.

“Why won’t you touch me? All I wanted was a cuddle…”

Something so simple and easily dispensed, but the simple fact was that I had explained countless times I didn’t want to be touched or close to anyone was ignored, more so because of a lack of understanding than anything else.

So many times I’ve explained and no one has listened, I see no more point in talking anymore.

I will be asked how I can be so cold and my answer will be the same as it always has been; easily.

Why reach out for something that is no longer there?

I know how she is feeling, simply because of the words she has used…

“Why, after you know how much it hurt to hear did you say what she said to you to me?”

The echo of my past resonates in her voice. Comparing two entirely different types of love. I keep a lot held back because there is no need to upset the balance, especially when people already know answers to their own questions. Everyone wants to be the one that made the difference, the exception, the one to make it all better but in reality there is no such thing. There is only who was there at the time when you felt ready and if you’re lucky they were ready too, but if not then you will suffer what has been known throughout history as ‘heart break’ because at that moment in time one of you wasn’t ready.

While it is true you can try and make things work for the better, it won’t change the underlying facts.

Do I care? Of course I do.

Do I love her? Yes, it’s the kind of love from those days where people got married and worked at their relationship together, equally and on the same terms.

Am I in love with her? No… And that is the problem. She is in love with me and wants so desperately for me to feel the same and be the man she has pictured in her head, but sadly the reality is different from the dream.

Am I sad? Yes, things didn’t need to go this way. Hidden truths never needed to be made real and immortalised in spoken word, I would have stayed the course and allowed things to have grown naturally because those good moments outweighed the bad, until it started to consume her… until she let fear set it, and instead of trust there was only a lust for control.

I guess as far as people go I’m one of those who isn’t afraid to admit that they are the problem. After all, I’ve always been the one to walk away in the end because I’m not scared of being alone. What really scares me is being with someone and wasting their life when they will be better off without me. That look 20,30, 40 years from now that says ‘why’ and hold you responsible for their misfortune.

I can see why people choose to be alone, I can understand their plight and I can even understand why people stay together unhappily. It’s just not something I want, love should be equal though it rarely ever is. There have been many times have I hurt a good woman, someone who would have been a wife, friend and life long companion, none of them deserved to be hurt by me, but at least I can see them all now with new partners who gave them what they wanted. At least now I can see them happy because in the end I’ve always known I will end up alone for one simple reason… I choose it.

Before you can devote yourself to another you must first be able to let go of your childish ego and that is something I still haven’t done. We all want an ‘adult’ relationship but how can this be achieved when there are still some many like me who are still merely selfish children at heart.

To know ones self is a frightening thing, especially when you’re me.

Same Old Same Old

The surroundings are different, the people are the same.

Young woman enviously looking at ‘young mums’ wishing they had a child of their own. The question I would ask though is do they want a child because they are excited at the thought of being a parent or is it  because of social pressure? Perhaps they simply want something to love them unconditionally, something that will always need them and depend on them even in to its adult days, or maybe I’m just being cynical.

I can only judge based on my experiences and they all lead to mentally unstable people wanting something they can call their own. Wanting a sense of propriety and purpose because without theca child they have nothing.

Over the years I’ve watch many people greedily have children, after all there is no true selfless acts in the world.

On the other side of that coin I see the elderly who have had their children and watched them grow and have babies of their own. I can see the look in their eyes as they reminisce the good times and all their  memories come flooding back from times when they themselves were new to the world of parenting. Their stories aren’t all sunshine and rainbows though. I’ve taken he time to speak to elderly couples and elderly people on many an occasion, they’ve all said the same things all be it in different ways. None have any regrets about having their kids, but none of them would choose to have them if they have their life a second time over… Such statements speak volumes to me.

To me when people say they wouldn’t choose to have children again if they had their time again says that while they have lots of happy memories they lost something far more important in the trade. Maybe this is why our parents and grandparents will always say “Travel while you’re young, don’t waste your life.” they know what it means to sacrifice what they could have.

As we grow up we literally have nothing stopping us doing anything, but we choose to but up barriers. We choose to make excuses and find reasons why not to do something. I see children in the same light.

If i ask someone why they want children there is never a definitive answer, maybe the don’t but feel they should. After all, isn’t that our very purpose on this earth to reproduce and ensure the survival of our race?

Who really knows any more.

The surroundings are different, the people the same. All with forgotten dreams and a life that they settled for.