An Obvious Observation

“Greed, this sin can bewitch even the strongest of us, remember not all treasure is silver and gold”

As the problems at work continue I find myself fighting an uphill battle, a battle that I do not feel I can win. The change in our contracts has minimal effect on my colleague but is crippling for me, the extra financial strain would not be sustainable.

Thinking about the reason for this sudden change from the establishment I work in made me see yet another side of the dice, greed. Understandably profit has to be made but the simple fact was they now wanted to charge my colleague and I more to help cover part of their losses. Our contracts had proven no problem in the past so this sudden change was easy to see through.

After again Spending time in my local coffee shop I started think more about the greed of people in this world. Greed seems to trap everyone in some form be it possession, wealth or even affection there seems to always be something people want more and more.

The noblest of men and women fall victim to greed, like a poison that slowly courses through our veins we are unaware of its influence until it has consumed us, leaving nothing but ruin in its wake.

What is it that you want most? What would you do to attain it? What would you sacrifice… 

The complexities of  human psyche are fascinating.

Too cherish something is to be selfless and accept everything that comes with that you love, too fall victim to greed is to want more, not matter the cost.

“Beware of greed, I fell victim too it’s influence once… It’s a long road back”

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Inner Struggle

“The hardest battle we ever too fight is that between our own head and heart”

Wandering thoughts keep me awake throughout the night refusing to let me sleep, refusing to let me forget, refusing to give me silence and freedom from the pain that had burrowed so deep. 

It would seem opening my very heart and soul to take the leap of faith has not only caused me to become more than what I once was but also expose me to the darker side of my thoughts and allow a seething hate to take its grip. 

Seeing only lies and a shadow of a person I try desperately to break free from this path I am on. 

The events of the past few days have caused a turmoil that I did not expect and brought with it a burning desire of curiosity, a question “why say what you have said, Is the truth so hard for you to speak…Are you that weak? just tell me the truth” My insatiable lust for knowledge and understanding that had protected me with logic was now starting to cause cracks in my armour. 

“It’s funny really, that which keeps us safe can eventually turn against us without warning”

Fighting the temptation to send a message asking that one simple question required more strength than climbing the highest mountain in the eye of a storm. 

Do I take the risk to find my answers?

 

An Acquired Taste

“Something so simple can take you away from your problems for a brief moment… but can you accept the repercussions?”

A crowded room filled with people drinking, dancing and people being social simply forgetting their problems and enjoying the release granted to them by alcohol is all to common.

Watching close friends resort to this course of action was reminiscent of what I had been through my ordeal in the past, I had noticed myself start slipping into a habit of a “social drink” each and every week and acquiring the taste for the elation that alcohol granted, after seeing people fall into a vicious circle that leads down a dangerous path.

Reading back through my writings I saw something, a change in my very person along with a distinct scar that has been left on my emotions and as a result I knew what it was I wanted…. to trust someone.

Trust is so easily broken and never truly regained but to take the risk to open up that much exposes your very essence, with all the people I had opened up to there is still no one I would entrust with everything yet it seems people can easily trust me in this way. When I think why the answer is simple “I listen” true what I tell people is not what they want to hear but at least it’s the truth and perhaps this is why they trust me because I am not afraid to hurt their feelings for the right reasons.

Being able to tell people what they need to hear and not what they want to hear is why I now realise so many turn to drink, they don’t turn for a release but an underlying reason “alcohol makes you tell the truth” so many time people say they have a fight she they are drunk and it would seem it is all because the lose the fear of being honest and let it all out.

It’s a sad world that we resort to this course of action.

There are three kinds of people in the world who will tell you the absolute truth Childern, anyone who is extremely angry or a drunk person. After something is said people will soon reply with “oh I didn’t mean it” wrong you knew what you were saying otherwise you would not say it. Emotion causes us to recoil it seems people are ruled by fear of the truth.

Calm Before the Storm

“The calm sea and clear skies are soon to be broken by the Storm that approaches”

Quelling thoughts that had been creeping upon my mind I found a balance between serenity and insanity that had begun to restore the pillars that had been corrupted so long ago, it was time to take a new risk.

“Mia” had been suffering an internal torment that was all to familiar and a silence had claim her, a silence that screamed agreement and renouncement which worried me. The temptation for people to let go of their free will seemed all to common, taking he easy option rather than the stronger option.. a choice to become moulded into what someone else perceives as acceptable, I had a bad feeling that something was bad was coming. I had seen this happen several times in my life and each time I lost a good friend because I chose to walk away from them and to leave them without someone to confide in all because I was to stubborn to accept their choice.

“Sandy” and old close friend had made the same choice years ago which resulted in us growing ever more distant, from talking g to “Mia” thoughts of her reappeared in my mind I decide to send a message on social media because I began to realise as a friend I should have been there for her more and supported choice even if I didn’t agree wit it. I meet her only to find a broken person unable to relax, my past warnings had failed but looking back I should have stayed a friend, now not only had she been mentally damaged she was on the brink of breaking because she was now pregnant.

What should have been a pleasure to say only seemed to repulse her, my mind struggled to understand why so I pushed for her to open up and learnt something that filled me with rage.

“I didn’t want kids but he said that he loved me and this would make everything better so I did it for him, he has now told me to abort the baby because he is not ready… I don’t know what to do”  

This once intellectual, compassionate and confident person stood before me shaking with tears flooding her eyes, I hold her close and ask “what do you want?” She says nothing yet the look in her eyes says it all she wants him and I had a horrible feeling about her answer, she was no longer able to make choices of her own, fragile barley able to stand she answers me “I and going to terminate it” looking her in the eye “if that is your choice then please speak to a councillor as I’ve heard it can be very stressful” she tries to smile and pulls away from me.

As walk her back to her car I ask her to keep in touch, I see a glimpse of the smile she once had. Walking home the thoughts of that conversation fill me with anger that someone can change a person so much so that they always feel they are at fault and will do anything to gain acceptance, it’s a sad world we live in. I also thought of my own actions in allowing what was a close friendship to crumble, such a fool I was.

 

healing wounds

“Scars are living proof, memories for all to see but it is only those that are the deepest that hold memories we hold onto”

Delving into the farthest reaches of my mind I did not fathom the true power of knowledge, to know one’s self bestowed upon me visions of clarity and realisation for I knew what it meant to love. I am not the only one who suffers, millions of people from all walks of life are experiencing life just as I do… a life filled with pain for the loss of what I thought to be real, an illusion created by myself because I wanted it to be real.

“Ben” is a friend who I meat through my social circle seemed to be having problems, I don’t know why but I felt compelled to check and just offer words of comfort via a message “hope all is well” not long after this he approached me and asked to talk. 

Meeting with “Ben” I saw a very familiar look, a look sadness as if he was internally fighting to hold back his tears. The world is indeed a place of cruel fates, he was in an almost identical situation to mine with one exception, he was still in the early stages of his story where as I was at the end of mine.

“I know what you’re going through, I’m not going to tell you all the standard carp that a hundred other people will instead I will be honest. You will suffer and even greater amount of pain than you currently feel, the world and everything in it will lose all meaning because nothing will bring her back, all.You can do is accept it in your own way and grieve. Do not run from your pain or try to hide from it and what ever you do you must not bury it because I have done all three an  let me tell you now it drove me to the very edge of madness. I am here if you need to talk”

Looking into his eyes I could see memories blooming and disappearing as he tried to understand what I had told him. When all you can do is think about how much you live someone and would do anything for them it can be hard to accept that you have lost them.

Walking home and passing by the river something made me stop, a dissonance was emanating from the water. Looking down at the river I saw my reflection staring back at me with a released look, talking with “Ben” had showed me I was not alone and if others felt the same crushing pain I had then perhaps somewhere, someone was.going to make me feel complete again.

“A life without loss is a life without risk, risk is what makes the difference between existence and living”

Abject Humiliation

“Time passes by and we feel a deepening sense of humiliation, vae vicits”

Days had passed since the events that have caused so much anguish, I once again found myself alone with a million thoughts swamping my mind. I still struggled to understand how I seemed to the full force of the malice that had been gathered from the situation, the only answer or theory I had was a simple one. 

I had been lied to all along, everything I was told was to keep me in the picture but also in the dark, shrouded in mystery to satisfy someone’s lust for attention then to be cast off at a whim and portrayed as the catalyst for her suffering to protect what supposed false reality she had told me she was living, if that was even true?

Solitude allows one to expand your view and gain a larger perspective on the events that had transpired. I began to wonder if anything I had been told by “April” was true, her apparent unhappiness and spiralling decent into despair? her concerned mother calling her almost daily because of overwhelming feelings of worry? The depiction of “Jay” she had given being needy, insecure, controlling and aggressive? I was unable to discern true for fallacy.

According to “April” her mother knew the same story I did and was he was losing.her daughter and watching her change and degrade from the beautiful person she was into a shell.  I doubted the true in these supposed fact I was told, to have allowed myself to ignore my head and follow my heart so blindly has left me feeling humiliated and hurt.

Deciding to open up to someone and delve into feelings that I had long been afraid to accept due to the fear of getting hurt had taught me a valuable lessons, accepting all of your feelings is what you have to do to fall in love but also to know when your feelings are being toyed with so that you would be able to distinguish between those who love you and those who lust after you.

I felt no bitterness towards “April” or “Jay” and nothing towards “kain” even after his threats,  the feelings I had for her were real and they helped change me I to a better person and  allowed me to connect with people in a deeper way than I ever thought possible, a deeper understanding of a broken heart and the simple truth that all people want is to have someone listen and not judge.

Would I ever be absolved of these accusations I was hearing of? Probably not but I had based my choices on the wellbeing and concern for someone else, someone I loved. Was it a mistake in the place and time I chose enough was enough? Yes, at least I got a honest answer from it all and.I will always pray for her happiness.

The only thing that can truly change a person is a broken heart.