If the world was to end tomorrow what would be the one regret you admit in those last few futile seconds before total annihilation?
An unspoken love?
Losing connection with someone?
Not taking the chance life gave you?
Or would you be one of those who claim to have no regrets?
As for me… Well that would be an interesting regret, though it was not for money, riches, recognition or even power no one would ever understand the self imposed burden of my averous.
It feels as if I am losing my connecting with everything.
My innate sense of my surroundings and feeling the flow of the Qi around me is slowly diminishing. As I spoke to a friend I felt nothing from him, no joy, no sadness, no rage… nothing. I wasn’t even aware of his presence when he was behind me until just before he spoke.
What is happening to me?
Have I become so absorbed by meaningless follies that I am becoming just like everyone else? A drone following a path of nothingness existence. Or is it that I am just losing faith in it all?
My head is filled with questions that I will never have answered, they sear through my mind hour after hour, but the funniest part is no one will know.
Suddenly it became clear. Suddenly I understood what drives people to that place. Suddenly I understood why…
It is not weakness, nor is it cowardice, desperation or even a cry for help; it is and always will be the point that people reach where they have had enough. We grow tired of the mundane, the ever repeating cycle of stupidity.
Trapped we are, nay, ensnared in this wheel of perpetual torment. We hear the same cries day after day only in different voices.
We grow tired of it all.
I have seen terrible things, known terrible people, and done terrible things. Yet, I’m still here; why? For the briefest of moments as I lay in the dead of the night unforgivable thoughts crossed my mind, sinful thoughts. I did not realise, I have also grown tired.
What was mere seconds seemed to last an eternity and it showed me a place I never knew, it showed me tears I had never seen, cries I had never heard; it showed me what drives a person to end it all.
The allure of everlasting silence, it is beautiful.
Looking back, looking forwards, neither matter; all that matters is what we do in the moment. True, the moment can be governed by both the past and the future, if we let it.
Again another contradiction.
“The hardest battle we ever too fight is that between our own head and heart”
Wandering thoughts keep me awake throughout the night refusing to let me sleep, refusing to let me forget, refusing to give me silence and freedom from the pain that had burrowed so deep.
It would seem opening my very heart and soul to take the leap of faith has not only caused me to become more than what I once was but also expose me to the darker side of my thoughts and allow a seething hate to take its grip.
Seeing only lies and a shadow of a person I try desperately to break free from this path I am on.
The events of the past few days have caused a turmoil that I did not expect and brought with it a burning desire of curiosity, a question “why say what you have said, Is the truth so hard for you to speak…Are you that weak? just tell me the truth” My insatiable lust for knowledge and understanding that had protected me with logic was now starting to cause cracks in my armour.
“It’s funny really, that which keeps us safe can eventually turn against us without warning”
Fighting the temptation to send a message asking that one simple question required more strength than climbing the highest mountain in the eye of a storm.
Do I take the risk to find my answers?