Another one

Another lie that could have been avoided
You simply had to say you couldn’t be bothered
That would have at least been the truth worthy of my respect
Now though you’ll find the rope bridge between us in cinders

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I don’t really like myself, you know?

I really am pathetic you know.

The murky sense of self loathing for which is deep inside just keeps growing.

I know the reason for it.

No nobel act of selfless good or martyrdom, it’s entirely based on self preservation because of what would happen, well, at least the fear of it.

Knowing the depths of your own depravity and what you’re capable of isn;t something I’d wish on anyone because while knowing yourself is meant to be something to aspire towards, people often only ever talk about it int he sense of good, they forget that we’re made up of many things, some of which are better left undisturbed.

One day, standing in front of me with rage & hurt in their eyes I will know true suffering.

A burden that is my accepted choice because of my actions, words will not account for anything in the end, yet if any more of that pain can be taken or laid on to me than it’s welcome.

Nothing will ever make up for this transgression, this abandonment.

A future I never wanted for myself due to my own fractured past, forced upon me because of my own ignorance and trust in people and the faith that they’re inherently good.

What a young fool I was.

Fool indeed.

Knock, Knock

Last night there was two definitive knocks at my door,
Behind the wood they stood.

I pause for but a mere second,
Softly I approach.

Unlatching, unbolting and unlocking,
There they stood in utter silence.

Naked, exposed without any barriers I stand locked eye to eye,
Here we remained, unmoving, never saying a word.

Too Real

That dream was far too real.

Indistinguishable from reality, for most of it I had no idea it was a dream.

This realisation only because apparent time slowed, it was like moving through treacle.

Snapping myself away there was a cold sweat present and for the first time in a long time I was physically disturbed by something that wasn’t even real, yet it could be.

Worst part about it all was that even though it was a dream violence was a central part.

Always a central part is one of the three.

The most in one has been two, fight & literal flight.

I wonder what will happen when all three appear, guess one day I will find out.