Twins

Apparently everyone has a twin.

From what I saw today there is certainly some truth to that statement.

Her face, it had the same lines, each time I traced them over and over again in my mind they become harder to forget and who ever this was toady, hers matched in a near effect fit.

Those eyes, how two people can have those same eyes. Strong yet vulnerable, coy but filled with passionate desire, no two people should have eyes like that.

It’s a strange feeling, I thought it was her, staring at me link she never even knew me, what told me it wasn’t her was the voice that replied when I said hello, this girls was much softer, more innocent and not yet jaded.

I smiled, one of those smiles of solace and wished her farewell and to have a pleasant day.

All she did was smile back as she left.

Makes you wonder how many more doppelgängers are out there. .

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Twins

They say everyone has a twin. A doppelgänger.

Today I saw a woman much like someone I used to be very close to. Her face was the same, her smile, her eyes, even the way she laughed, everything…

While this is not the twin of who many would think it would be it was the one after. The one who I felt was a guiding light. Someone who seemed to understand, someone who I thought was on the same level but that was just wishful thinking. She was a good person, it seemed that a future for us was just not written in the stars.

As I sit and glance over at this reflection of her the only real difference is the colour of her hair. I wonder if that is the only difference? Maybe she has the same traits, the same loves, same hopes, same dreams, oh how I wonder. It would be easy to simply walk over and stake up a conversation, that is if I wasn’t trapped in my own head.

I wonder what other twins of people I will see in my life.

‘People you may know…’

‘People you may know’

That friendly prompt that pops up on social media. Normally I ignore it and scroll past but today my eye was caught by someone I have tried to hard to forget, though I’m sure it’s obvious that I fail at that endeavour quite frequently.

Why did I do it to myself? Why did I click through and once again pear in to the proverbial Pandoras Box of hopelessness? Because for all the pain there is still a feeling of euphoria that never changes. It never lessens, it never goes away and even though it is brief it allows the slightest moment of that feeling I once felt, that is before the crushing weight of sorrow lands on my shoulders.

I made it no secret of the struggle. No secret of the feelings. No secrets at all.

Of all the people in the world who spoke of a similar story to me when I was younger, I never knew what that look was they had. Behind the eyes, deep in their very soul. That look of living each day just because they had no other choice, I could see it but I didn’t understand it. While there were only a few of these people, I would always notice that they smiled, laughed and made the most effort they could and that they often followed a good deed by finding a quite place just to sit or stand and just stare in to the distance.

I often used to wonder what people would think of when they did this, I guess now I know as I find myself doing the same.

Those eyes, that smile, the sound of their voice… It’s as if it was only yesterday that we lay next to each other when in fact it has been years. The bad memories far outweighs the good in their numbers, yet that does not stop me holding on to that one small ray of light amongst all of my darker thoughts. It’s the one thing I suspect I will always hold on to, even until the end.

A pathetic truth, but it’s mine.

Sun Means Smiles

Everyone is smiling today. The reappearance of the sun seems to have elevated the moods of the many and removed the frowns caused by the rain and overcast skies. It’s good to see people smiling again because it helps us see that not everything in the world is bad, it also shows that a smile can hide a thousand problems and allow you to once again continue living.

This morning my path crossed with a face I’ve not seen in a very long time, but his hatred for me was still as prevalent as it ever was. His pride was so badly damaged by the fictional story he had created in his own head that there was no chance of it ever recovering, at least not from the look he gave me. The funniest part is the only version of the events that played out he cared for were those of his own creation, the truth was of no consequence.

To allow your own mind to make you bitter with events created in your own head is unfortunate, but then again it has little effect on my life so I don’t really care because the less I worry the happier I am. As selfish as it sounds you can only help people so far before you then need to let go of the handle bars and let them ride alone, unsupported, independently and alone. Nothing else springs to mind for a better analogy of life.

What is it I am supposed to feel I do wonder… Guilt, remorse or maybe even fear and desperation?

I am sure that the path my life is currently on is the one I deserve, with just the right amount of elation and despair that is fitting for my choices thus far.

Led under a silver birch that bends with the breeze all I have to do is look down to be reminded of the despair that I live with everyday. There is no cure, no magic pill or potion, there is only acceptance and the option to carry on as normal, or the option to be carved up like a helpless cadaver to remove it. The former sounds far more appealing. That is not to say I have ruled out this option entirely, more so that I have not yet succumb to that level of desperation yet…

The only place we can’t escape is the one we create in our own head.

An Eye For An Eye.

The soft angelic voice of hope cries.

“You’re writing is so depressing lately.”

Words spoken with nothing but truth that cannot be denied. She was right, my writing has become very lost, steeped in the darkness that clouds me every thought and there is little I can do to pull myself out of this black hole because it’s me… The problem has always been within me and my inability to accept the truth.

“You were becoming very emotional this morning.”

Spoke the strong and steady pillar of experience and logic. His concern can be seen through his eyes, but there is nothing he can do except watch and wait until the resolution of it all.

It’s easy for me to see the frustration in both their faces as they want so desperately to help me, but my internal reaction is to distance myself and be alone, not to wallow in self pity but to control my inner demons and crush them as they try to take over. So far I have done this, but it’s getting harder, the cracks are becoming more evident the longer I am forced to wait. Knowledge is a dangerous thing, especially when you know the only logical solution.

I guess the only way to help people understand is to explain to them, though it will be hard to accept because it’s not everyday you meet one of ‘those’ people who are the logical fallacy, the what if, the exception to the rule that is ahead of the curve, but it’s what I am and people can accept it or not. Admittedly I never actually thought I would ever be this person, but life has a funny way to playing out and as many say “there must be a reason.” and there is… I did this to myself.

The last few years took a heavy toll indeed and although I did not break and held on to what remained of my sanity my body broke under the immense strain of it all. Now I know what the elders mean when they say “It isn’t worth it.” because it will always cost you something in the end.

A lesson with pain is meaningless, but once you recover from that pain and heal you can take on more etna you could before, you’re stronger than you were, you’ve gained so much from that lesson but remember there is always a price too. You must always pay for your lessons one way or another. It’s the law of equivalent exchange, to create something you must lose something of equal value.

I gained unimaginable strength but it cost me my pride.

Burn Before Reading

For the first time in a long time it crossed my path again. I had forgotten that I had made a copy just incase I needed one as contingency, holding it in my hand I feel nothing…

No spike anticipation
No increased pulse
No flurry of emotion
Nothing…

The sheer thought of reading it just one more before I burn it has crossed my mind frequently over the passing days since its return to me. To read the lies once again, to relive that fateful event to its fullest, to feel suffering again.

Why is it we feel the most when we’re suffering?

The fear of the unknown, the fear of death essentially.

This sends the electrical impulses through the brain, it stimulates are senses, it heightens our awareness of all surroundings, it becomes intoxicating, it becomes pure poison.

The truth though… I will not read it again. I will wait until the dark of night and go to a place that only I know. The place where it all began and the pace that it will all end.

How many years has it been now since that ill fateful day?

I have lost track, but I know there is one who hasn’t. I know the pains they will face upon reading anything I have written because for the most part, this was started all because of her. I wish I could cast her memory in to the pits of hell and be rid of, but that isn’t possible. While the memory will fade it will always be there, lingering in the shadows and while I can’t truly hate that memory I can choose to ignore it and build new memories upon it.

Try as I might to keep those I care for from harms way the more distant I become, because I know none of them want to here what I really want to say. The real words that sit in my heart would be met with hostility, anger, sadness and pain, emotion that those closest do not deserve to experience. Instead I shall keep these words under lock and key, removed from this existence because there is no need for me to say them.

Reading back through the endless scribe I cringe at how pathetic I sounded…

I cringe at how I became a pawn in her game
I cringe at how I was so wrong
I cringe at it all.

The flames will purge and purify my soul… Finally I will be free.