It’s Finally Gone

“Just like that the weight of a thousand ages had been lifted from my shoulders”

Countless thoughts, feelings, memories and stories have been written in the blog and after the revelations of the last few days my pain has finally gone…

Thinking back to the times I tried to help and failed, thinking back through all the pain I suffered without hesitation for her, I finally knew there was nothing more I could do. My last act was carried out only a couple of days ago and yet it feels like so much longer.

I was told by “Kain” that he and his son were trying desperately to pull “April” out of a destructive situation, Knowing that they are doing all they can was comforting yet sad.

Why was it sad? Because who I once knew was truly lost and there was no chance of her ever returning.

The person that was now left in her place I wished not ill towards, but with all my heart I prayed for her safety and happiness with  hope one day she has a chance to find love. I thought I could have given her all of this but that was written in the stars for us. I hope that one day she might be free of her own darkness that surrounds her.

Finally letting go of the memory of the girl I had held onto for so long was hard, to let go of everything, the hope, dreams, feelings and memories is not something you can plan it just happens when you’re ready, I shed no tears and felt no pain, there was nothing else left for me to do but continue my life.

I am sure I will have times where something will trigger a vagrant memory; it’s only human to remember someone who you loved with all of your heart.

Strange really, my eyes have been opened as has my heart.

It’s time to live, and who knows maybe one day I will meet someone worth letting in again and when I do I will not be afraid of getting hurt because if I have another chance to be as happy as I felt with her it will be worth the risk.

“She would always have been enough, always”

Clear Skies & Open Roads

“I was in love once, what happened? That person died along time ago”

In the wake of the unexpected apology from “Kain” close friends revel in this news that I have imparted onto them, those who sat and listened finally had a close to my story. Still though they had one last question to ask which was constant through all of my kin “would you take her back if she came to you?”

Their advice was also unanimous “don’t, you have pulled yourself out of Hell. Don’t fall back in.”

My answer remains the same to all who ask me that question “No” I could see behind their eyes they all had the same look, a look that thought I would do otherwise if that situation arose. Each of them knew of my feelings but only one asked why I would say no, and that person was “Freya”.

I loved her with all my heart and soul, I was willing to sacrifice anything for her even my own essence to see her safe. I might not have been able to offer wealth, security or a luxurious life style but what I would have given her was that one thing I never saw myself offering anyone else.

Me. All my trust, my love, my very soul. I would have loved her until the skies parted and the heavens called, never looking back because for me.she was enough and all I ever needed to do to know that in my heart was stare into her beautiful eyes and see the way she would look back at me… that was and always would have been enough.

Alas for her I was not enough and I never would have been because if I meant to her what she claimed, if she had the untold amount of love for me that she professed she would have been with me. It’s that simple.

Instead I was cast aside and stricken from her feelings and her life.

I was a rock that she was able to pick up and hold when it suited her and then thrown into the dark well of despair when she found a treasure that she wanted more. 

To offer your very essence to someone and have them cast it into darkness with no hesitation, remorse or regret filled my once pure heart with chaos and pain.

A chaos I fought to gain control of and a pain I had to purge from my life. 

If she was to have felt how she claimed I would not be sitting here alone with only the rays of the sun to restore the warmth of my heart. 

That is why my answer will always be no.

The woman I loved ceased to exist the person I see now I no longer recognise, it’s a sad story but it is my story.

“So ends this chapter in my life, full of so much promise only to end in pain, suffering and torment. It’s time to write the next chapter with a smile safe in the knowledge that for the right person I know I will be able to take that leap of faith and give myself to her.”

Echoes of the Past

“The future is the outcome of our choices in the past”

Deciding on a change of scenery I am talking with friends old & new when I hear footstep climbing the stairs, as I turn I am greeted by a face from the past “Kat” she immediately saw me and looked away, it was no more than I deserved.

My actions in the past and my choice had caused her so much pain, we did not speak a word to each other and went about our business, I caught glimpses of her briefly looking at me only to again turn away when I noticed. She did not deserve what I did to her but it was irrelevant now, what’s had been done could not be changed.

When I arrived home I thought about my choice to sleep with another woman and then leave “Kat” for this woman, even though I had told her of my discretions it did not change the fact that what I did was wrong but she was now with someone else and I prayed for her happiness.

“Kat” had spent so much time looking for “the one” all the time trying to make it happen I hoped this time she had found what she was looking for.

I began to think that people do not fall in love with each other; rather they fall in love with the idea of that person and the idea of being happy. All the time we spend looking for that someone special we forget to keep our eyes open and search blindly not really knowing what is that we want, love is strange because we cannot stop ourselves when it takes hold, our logic and reason vanish and we hope that this could be the perfect end that many are looking for.

I watch people go from relationship to relationship in an endless cycle of infatuation, comfort and finally hurt when they grow apart.

Sometimes being on your own is all you need to be happy and once you are happy with who you are then without warning or invite that special person will come into your life.

“Life is a short story, do not waste it looking for something only to turn back over the pages of your life and find them empty. Live each day and write a great novel filled with wonder and adventure.”

A Random Memory

“Memories can hit us at the most unsuspecting times”

Walking in the dark and drizzling rain towards work I look out over the river and see it is close to overflowing, as I stand and just take a moment to listen to the flow of the water I am overcome with memories.

Rather than bury them I decide to just let them flow, much like the river I was stood over.

The most vivid part of the memories was that look, those eyes held so much and pierced through me… she had beautiful eyes.

Leaving the river and continuing the walk to work I occupied my mind with thoughts of work and what I needed to do, I was thinking about anything and everything to keep myself on the light side of myself. Working through the morning the memories returned to the abyss whence they came and I carried on with life as normal, sitting down after work for a green tea I began to read and get lost in a world of knowledge until I had a visit from an unexpected person, “Amelia”.

We began to talk and I explained more to her about past events as she had asked the right questions, I could see the way she was looking at me with such feeling and understanding because she had been in a similar situation in her past. I could have easily kept on seeing her and seen how things developed but I knew in my heart I was not right , I made no attempt to lead her into a false sense of my feelings because as sad as it might be I was still not ready.

Finishing our drinks we shared a hug and went about our own business, as I walked away I turn to wave and see the way she looks at me and like before without warning the memory that hit me by the river was in the centre of my mind’s eye.

Walking home I stopped by that same river and just bean to think about the look I see now when our eyes cross paths even if only briefly, we both make as little eye contact as possible since the events before Christmas but went I do see her I see a sad look behind her eyes and I can’t help but wonder what causes it. Guilt? Remorse? Maybe those are real eyes and what I saw not her but a reflection of myself staring back at me for I wanted to believe in something so pure are Love that I was blinded by my own ambition.. it doesn’t matter either way.

“She had beautiful eyes. Her gaze was full of passion, hope and that little bit more that captured my heart more and more every time I looked at her, it made me feel like nothing else mattered, I felt at peace as brief as that was. Thinking now about those eyes causes my heart to ache, it lingers for days the intensity remains the same, the pain, it remains the same.”

The Darkness of the Heart

“Born of pure light our hearts hold the key to breaking free of the darkness, will you choose the path of the light or be swallowed by the darkness that we all must face..”

My heart has been tied to the darkness the simple choice to let go and succumb is all to strong. Today it feel as if my strength is finally beginning to disappear, fighting back every dark impulse for so long has taken its toll.

Worn down by the constant emotional battles from within has left me tired and weary. 

Disgusting the worth of words unable to ascertain fact from fallacy I no longer can hold back the temptation to give myself to the darkness in my heart.

All I ever wanted was the truth.

Those words still echo in my mind the suffering is endless! 

Even if I meant nothing, to me you meant everything. Such a fool for falling to words I have longed to hear, when all along it was a trick yet try as I might something keeps me connected to the pain unable to let go.

“It’s time to step into the dark for what awaits can only be a release compared to what I have endured”

Behind my Eyes

“Behind my eyes you can see the pain if you look deep enough”

Only hours have passed since the attempt to appeal to my heart. It feels as if time has all but stopped and a weight is stopping me from moving in any direction it feels like I’m stuck paralyzed in limbo with only darkness as my companion.

She has dragged me too a place I thought I had left behind, once again I am stood on the edge of madness and for all the people I have seen today not one has seen it. 

Struggling to control the flurry of emotion tearing me apart each second this day goes by the same question collides with the walls of my mind “why speak to me and act as if care when your actions and your words prove otherwise” the look of self pity and fear I saw causes me only more pain because it was an inward expression of concern because she now realises that someone truly hates her and sees her for the pathetic excuse of a human that she is.

My words are filled with anger an expression of the anguish I have suffered, even  here in this moment in time I can hear her voice “I’m not evil, I’m not a horrid person” try as I might to banish her plaguing presence from my mind it is tearing me apart. 

To be capable of treating someone who you once upon a time claimed love with such disregard such apathy because of a need for the self preservation of an image just shows how some people in this world are truly heartless.

I can feel my self being consumed by pure malice, I have not lead a perfect life I have hurt people in the past  but I always told them the truth despite the pain they would suffer the truth at least leaves reason, understanding that my feelings had changed but were real. From all I had heard these recent months all I had was lies, the words of yesterday caused my heart to scream in pain “there was nothing between us” still haunted by her phantom voice I can hear her say it…. it feels like reaper himself clutching my heart.

To believe everything i had been told to indulge my hearts desires only to discover it was meaningless was punishment that even I cannot endure, how I have not broken is beyond my own understanding.

Funny thing is no one could see any of this.

“Perhaps she was right and it is all in my head… maybe the way I she looked at me was never there, the love was never real and maybe I had gone mad”

Guilt of a Girl

“The sheer amount of hurt you have caused me is measured only by the guilt you feel from the lies you have spread in your tangled web”

Sleepless nights with broken dreams keep me in this perpetual torment dreams are uncontrollable and always end up in the same place causing even more pain to resurface, as I lay in bed after waking from another short sleep I just want it all to cease but this is a pain that has embedded itself in my very soul to become a part of my being until the end of my days.

Arriving at work the air is still and the winds are calm the presence of sadness lurking around me, as I approach my place of work it was as if I was walking towards purgatory itself a darkened hole in which broken dreams were laid for all to see.

Taking off my battered coat I turn to see a ghost of my past approaching me with haste to utter these words “can I have a minute of your time, that’s all I want” against all my better judgement I let “April” into the office… her hand shaking with almost incoherent speech from the borderline of hyperventilation and fear she says to me “I don’t know what you have heard or who has told you but its not true” her words fell on deaf ears as I could hardly look at her but when I did I saw a broken mess trying desperately to claw back some of the dignity that she used to have “I am sorry for what I have done and how I have lied” more and more she spoke… rambled as if she was trying to justify her actions to me.

As sincere and brave as her confession might have seemed all I saw was more lies spouted in an effort to protect herself and excuse the indescribable amount of pain she has caused me… a pain she is still causing me. “I have to live with what I have done” more idealistic dribble to sooth her own guilt and anguish. She seems to forget people talk and one way or another what she has said about me behind closed doors will always find its way to my ears because of peoples curiosity because clearly I was a disturbed and malicious individual to have made up all the feelings that we had for each other.

Even all those seconds she was stood in front of me apologising her words and use of language were not of sadness for the hurt she has caused me but for her own self pity trying once again to convince an audience of the purity of her heart such acts were now wasted on me I thought I knew her…. I was wrong.

Waiting for her silence I open the door and say only this “get out” I could feel myself holding back every emotion I had trying to force its way out, I felt the tears filling my eyes and the pain that resided so deep in me splitting me in two for all the time she was stood in front of me it was clear that she did not care about me only herself she had unwittingly given me more proof that she was not the person I once thought Kind, caring, compassionate, empathetic and loving no she was a selfish, spiteful, malicious individual who would use any means she saw fit to achieve her desired outcome be that words of concern, guilt, regret or even love as long as she achieved what she wanted it did not matter on her choice of weapon.

I would have loved this woman until time itself ceased to exist because I truly believed she was the one and fought so hard to prove this to her and even went as far as opening up completely which I have only ever done for her but instead of being the king that would have stood beside her queen through the game of life I was instead a pawn disposable and easy to sacrifice.

“If you only knew what it was like to wake up everyday and have no reason to get up you might understand a fraction of the pain I suffer”