Subtle Smiles & Hungry Eyes

“Order up”

Bellows the manager.

With a thunderous slam the tray is placed down, the coffee nearly spilt and the customer ushered away.

“Next please…”

The barista mutters with a sultry tone.

She looks so depressed. I can feel myself being drawn in by it and no amount of friendly smiles from any customer seems to change the look on her face, she refused to make any form of eye contact. I guess the wind must have changed at the wrong time.

Through all of the noise, rushing people and rowdy children I spot the pair who have been sent out into the war zone to clear the tables.

They both rush in different directions to make space as fast at they can, all while the beady eyes of unimpressed seniors glare at them. The way they move is so hypnotic, it is as if they are dancing with the cups and trays in hand, around and around they go, missing everything and everyone; it was then I saw it….

As they brush past one another their eyes meet for but a mere moment, the pressure that emanated from them was overwhelming. Their smiles were subtle but as I looked deeper I could see their eyes were filled with lust, passion and love.

Less than a second passes, their contact is broken and their dances continued.

Though my sight is fixed on the two, my ears catch the manager once again barking orders.

“You’ve got a face like a smacked ass girl! Go and help Kevin wash the dishes”

The miserable girl behind the till suddenly left.

“Kerry! Back behind the till please.”

Kerry, so that was her name. She didn’t look like a Kerry, I thought she was more of a Rachel, but I guess I was wrong.

Kerry scuttles across the floor and through the staff door, she was in such a hurry the trays and cups she carried almost went flying.

The young man still gliding across the shop floor smiles at all of the customers, it’s like he is walking on air after that brief glance at the apple of his eye. Minutes pass and eventually everything is cleared, then he too returns to the till.

I look across to see their playful flirting and it makes me smile.

It’s a much nicer sight than the washed out look of the previous girl. She was so lifeless, so miserable, so pathetic.

“Luke, you can go”

Luke eh… Luke and Kerry, what a nice couple they made.

As he disappears from my sight I feel a dark cloud appear to my left. It was the morbid one herself, with heavy steps and careless awareness she bumps into me.

‘Stupid girl’ I thought.



She lacked the energy and grace of Luke and Kerry, but it was at that exact second she made eye contact with me, what I saw and came to realise will never leave me.

She wasn’t depressed, she was hurt. Their were tears in her eyes and a stare that cried out for help.

‘Why could she be so sad?’

A voice reaches over my shoulder to grab her attention.

“Ok babe, lets go then.”

A tall and slender man passes me and puts his arm around her. She responds by looking up and saying;

“Ok….”
“I love you Luke”

His response, while looking over his shoulder towards the till at Kerry.

“uh huh. Come on.”

Suddenly, it all became painfully clear.

The dance I witnessed between the two I thought was one of passion and love was nothing more than a sordid affair, but worst of all, they did it right in front of her eyes…

I can only imagine how much it hurts to see the one you love loving someone else.

Crying Without Tears

Sometimes sitting alone is the worst thing you can do.

Being left alone with your thoughts can be a dangerous thing, especially with a mind as broken as my own. 

Today I suffered not only a disappointment, but worst of all a grave injustice and deprivation to my character.

False truths and sullied stories with no proof or evidence, spiteful hearsay and hurtful slander spouted from times long ago.

Of all the stories that could have been told, this one hurts the most.

I didn’t ask for the memories to be dragged up, nor did I want them to be. Considering the version I’ve just heard makes me sound like an obsessed madman fuelled by jealousy and lust, I can honestly say I want to sit in a corner separated from all that is real and just cry.

Apparently it came from a letter that was sent to certain people. Incredibly descriptive in it’s nature, it served to be a noose that will now forever haunt me.

How could such things have been said when they were simply not true?

Did I get it all so wrong?

Was I that naive… That foolish… That in love that I couldn’t see what was really going on?

I believed all the lies and cries for help. 

I tried again and again to help but never made the slightest bit of difference, sadly now I know why. 

People are vindictive, cruel and ruled by their ego. 

Being selfless has no place in this world. It will only lead to a place of solitude and ridicule.

I’ve not felt a hurt this immense before. To feel truly worthless is something I wouldn’t wish upon my greatest enemy, so why would they wish it on me…

Funny thing is I can’t even cry. There are no tears, only pain and sadness.

Worst of all this very post will cause only more hurt.

Perhaps I am destined to walk the path alone. Crying without tears.

Perhaps ‘they’ were right all along.

What a fool I am. 

A Lesson in Pain

The greatest works of the world come from the most fractured minds, the most wounded souls, the one with broken hearts.

Why?

They see the world for what it is.

They see people for who they are.

They know the value of lessons and the pain from those lessons.

A lesson without pain is meaningless, but one with great pain will make you grow stronger, wiser & kinder. 

If you can struggle through the pain of the lesson you will have the strength to endure, you will have all the strength you ever need to know this one truth:

No matter how painful the lesson, you will be ok. 

Never

Never run from your pain. Embrace it. Make it a part of your pride. It becomes a path towards your future.

Never hide from your pain. Learn from it. Don’t look for someone to blame. The fault lies with you and only you.

Never cower from your pain. Use it. You are the saviour you need. You are worth everything you desire.

Remember, you’re, you.

Tainted Love

It’s sad to think if what could have happened or might have been, and what will never be.

We rebuild our walls and fortify them, nothing gets through. No emotion or feeling is strong enough, we become cold, distant; recluse.

Time heals that which was broken, almost yet not quiet the same. Life goes on; our walls stay strong. Then, just like that, the simplest of words raze the walls we had created to protect ourselves.

We are once again exposed, we are once again at the mercy of tainted love.

Fires ignite, our strength drains. All we can do I watch as our hearts open once again. Like an avalanche, this is unstoppable.

Pain and sadness fills the heart for this love we cannot have, what we should not have, because, it would destroy us.

The heart aches, it bleeds and cries out for it. This tainted love.

Each and Every Night

“Change can be beautiful or painful, often it’s both”

It is the same every night before I fall asleep, a memory always seems to surface and without fail cripples me.

Tonight was more painful than normal, when will it stop? A question I have not the answer.

Do you ever have those moments? That warm feeling of happiness, soon followed by a wrenching pain the sends us into recoil.

Torment can truly be continuous it would seem, I pray for the day the dull ache dissipates for the last time never to return.

Until then I just have to live with it.

“Memories are painful and leave our hearts crying out for more, sometimes the memory is worth the pain that follows.”

It’s Finally Gone

“Just like that the weight of a thousand ages had been lifted from my shoulders”

Countless thoughts, feelings, memories and stories have been written in the blog and after the revelations of the last few days my pain has finally gone…

Thinking back to the times I tried to help and failed, thinking back through all the pain I suffered without hesitation for her, I finally knew there was nothing more I could do. My last act was carried out only a couple of days ago and yet it feels like so much longer.

I was told by “Kain” that he and his son were trying desperately to pull “April” out of a destructive situation, Knowing that they are doing all they can was comforting yet sad.

Why was it sad? Because who I once knew was truly lost and there was no chance of her ever returning.

The person that was now left in her place I wished not ill towards, but with all my heart I prayed for her safety and happiness with  hope one day she has a chance to find love. I thought I could have given her all of this but that was written in the stars for us. I hope that one day she might be free of her own darkness that surrounds her.

Finally letting go of the memory of the girl I had held onto for so long was hard, to let go of everything, the hope, dreams, feelings and memories is not something you can plan it just happens when you’re ready, I shed no tears and felt no pain, there was nothing else left for me to do but continue my life.

I am sure I will have times where something will trigger a vagrant memory; it’s only human to remember someone who you loved with all of your heart.

Strange really, my eyes have been opened as has my heart.

It’s time to live, and who knows maybe one day I will meet someone worth letting in again and when I do I will not be afraid of getting hurt because if I have another chance to be as happy as I felt with her it will be worth the risk.

“She would always have been enough, always”

Clear Skies & Open Roads

“I was in love once, what happened? That person died along time ago”

In the wake of the unexpected apology from “Kain” close friends revel in this news that I have imparted onto them, those who sat and listened finally had a close to my story. Still though they had one last question to ask which was constant through all of my kin “would you take her back if she came to you?”

Their advice was also unanimous “don’t, you have pulled yourself out of Hell. Don’t fall back in.”

My answer remains the same to all who ask me that question “No” I could see behind their eyes they all had the same look, a look that thought I would do otherwise if that situation arose. Each of them knew of my feelings but only one asked why I would say no, and that person was “Freya”.

I loved her with all my heart and soul, I was willing to sacrifice anything for her even my own essence to see her safe. I might not have been able to offer wealth, security or a luxurious life style but what I would have given her was that one thing I never saw myself offering anyone else.

Me. All my trust, my love, my very soul. I would have loved her until the skies parted and the heavens called, never looking back because for me.she was enough and all I ever needed to do to know that in my heart was stare into her beautiful eyes and see the way she would look back at me… that was and always would have been enough.

Alas for her I was not enough and I never would have been because if I meant to her what she claimed, if she had the untold amount of love for me that she professed she would have been with me. It’s that simple.

Instead I was cast aside and stricken from her feelings and her life.

I was a rock that she was able to pick up and hold when it suited her and then thrown into the dark well of despair when she found a treasure that she wanted more. 

To offer your very essence to someone and have them cast it into darkness with no hesitation, remorse or regret filled my once pure heart with chaos and pain.

A chaos I fought to gain control of and a pain I had to purge from my life. 

If she was to have felt how she claimed I would not be sitting here alone with only the rays of the sun to restore the warmth of my heart. 

That is why my answer will always be no.

The woman I loved ceased to exist the person I see now I no longer recognise, it’s a sad story but it is my story.

“So ends this chapter in my life, full of so much promise only to end in pain, suffering and torment. It’s time to write the next chapter with a smile safe in the knowledge that for the right person I know I will be able to take that leap of faith and give myself to her.”

Echoes of the Past

“The future is the outcome of our choices in the past”

Deciding on a change of scenery I am talking with friends old & new when I hear footstep climbing the stairs, as I turn I am greeted by a face from the past “Kat” she immediately saw me and looked away, it was no more than I deserved.

My actions in the past and my choice had caused her so much pain, we did not speak a word to each other and went about our business, I caught glimpses of her briefly looking at me only to again turn away when I noticed. She did not deserve what I did to her but it was irrelevant now, what’s had been done could not be changed.

When I arrived home I thought about my choice to sleep with another woman and then leave “Kat” for this woman, even though I had told her of my discretions it did not change the fact that what I did was wrong but she was now with someone else and I prayed for her happiness.

“Kat” had spent so much time looking for “the one” all the time trying to make it happen I hoped this time she had found what she was looking for.

I began to think that people do not fall in love with each other; rather they fall in love with the idea of that person and the idea of being happy. All the time we spend looking for that someone special we forget to keep our eyes open and search blindly not really knowing what is that we want, love is strange because we cannot stop ourselves when it takes hold, our logic and reason vanish and we hope that this could be the perfect end that many are looking for.

I watch people go from relationship to relationship in an endless cycle of infatuation, comfort and finally hurt when they grow apart.

Sometimes being on your own is all you need to be happy and once you are happy with who you are then without warning or invite that special person will come into your life.

“Life is a short story, do not waste it looking for something only to turn back over the pages of your life and find them empty. Live each day and write a great novel filled with wonder and adventure.”