Green tea with a tree

Being sat under a tree to hide from the rain is something I’ve not done in a long time.

It beings back some rather vivid memories it has to be said.

Those ones in particular were akin to that of a movie scene, not the sort of thing to happen to the likes of me, I guess that’s why everything went the way it did. The movie wasn’t meant to be anything other than what it was, a tragedy.

I do enjoy reminiscing, it helps one understand the inner workings of the world that no one else sees but you and shows us just who we really are. The hard part from that is just accepting it.

So much distraction, so much to do, so much to reach for, it’s a worthy cause for my attention and also the reason that I will be content in just being.

There is only place for one in this world, where I have created and destroyed so much.

It’s a fitting place for me and I’m okay with that.

Are you okay with yours?

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Twins

Apparently everyone has a twin.

From what I saw today there is certainly some truth to that statement.

Her face, it had the same lines, each time I traced them over and over again in my mind they become harder to forget and who ever this was toady, hers matched in a near effect fit.

Those eyes, how two people can have those same eyes. Strong yet vulnerable, coy but filled with passionate desire, no two people should have eyes like that.

It’s a strange feeling, I thought it was her, staring at me link she never even knew me, what told me it wasn’t her was the voice that replied when I said hello, this girls was much softer, more innocent and not yet jaded.

I smiled, one of those smiles of solace and wished her farewell and to have a pleasant day.

All she did was smile back as she left.

Makes you wonder how many more doppelgängers are out there. .

‘People you may know…’

‘People you may know’

That friendly prompt that pops up on social media. Normally I ignore it and scroll past but today my eye was caught by someone I have tried to hard to forget, though I’m sure it’s obvious that I fail at that endeavour quite frequently.

Why did I do it to myself? Why did I click through and once again pear in to the proverbial Pandoras Box of hopelessness? Because for all the pain there is still a feeling of euphoria that never changes. It never lessens, it never goes away and even though it is brief it allows the slightest moment of that feeling I once felt, that is before the crushing weight of sorrow lands on my shoulders.

I made it no secret of the struggle. No secret of the feelings. No secrets at all.

Of all the people in the world who spoke of a similar story to me when I was younger, I never knew what that look was they had. Behind the eyes, deep in their very soul. That look of living each day just because they had no other choice, I could see it but I didn’t understand it. While there were only a few of these people, I would always notice that they smiled, laughed and made the most effort they could and that they often followed a good deed by finding a quite place just to sit or stand and just stare in to the distance.

I often used to wonder what people would think of when they did this, I guess now I know as I find myself doing the same.

Those eyes, that smile, the sound of their voice… It’s as if it was only yesterday that we lay next to each other when in fact it has been years. The bad memories far outweighs the good in their numbers, yet that does not stop me holding on to that one small ray of light amongst all of my darker thoughts. It’s the one thing I suspect I will always hold on to, even until the end.

A pathetic truth, but it’s mine.

One and Nothing

The days merge in to one is it Monday, Thursday… Perhaps a Sunday?

Living and existing are two very different things by definition. As I live in this now merged world I ponder many thoughts about what actually matters and what doesn’t, but I always end up coming to the same conclusion – Nothing matters unless we choose so.

Is this the deeper meaning of meanings?

After all, if we choose not to care about something would it still matter in the grand scheme of things? I guess depending on what you consider to have true value that answer is no.

To have control of your mind, nay, your emotional mind is what can make the difference between strength and weakness, love and hate, fear and courage, maybe, just maybe this is what is missing from it all.

Control over what nothing else can control, unless you choose it too. Is that the real meaning of it all…

The Devil Under My Bed

Rifling through some old papers I stumble across something I’ve not seen in a long time.

I dare not touch it, nor do I even entertain the thought of what’s inside, it seems there really are monsters under our beds…

Slowly I begin to feel numb as it sits and stares at me while I continue my search for specific documents.

It taunts me.

I can hear their laughter and slander, it echoes in my mind like a howling scream in a windy canyon. Nothing makes it stop, the louder I play the music the clearer I can hear all those voices. I can’t even close my eyes because each time I do I’m greeted by them, even after I removed every possible reminder there was still one I forgot.

It seems another bargain must be made…

I can only forget, but in exchange a memory is etched into our very soul.

Brief Moments

For the briefest of moments I was lost in the memory.

It felt so real.

Every time I looked at her I saw someone else’s eyes staring back at me.

The feeling lingered for but only a second, yet the disappointment will always last forever.

I regained my sense of self and came back to the world of the present.

Infrequent as these moments are, nothing has changed, it still hurts as much as it ever did. I can only hope that eventually such moments will be deprecated by decades rather than mere months.

Each and Every Night

“Change can be beautiful or painful, often it’s both”

It is the same every night before I fall asleep, a memory always seems to surface and without fail cripples me.

Tonight was more painful than normal, when will it stop? A question I have not the answer.

Do you ever have those moments? That warm feeling of happiness, soon followed by a wrenching pain the sends us into recoil.

Torment can truly be continuous it would seem, I pray for the day the dull ache dissipates for the last time never to return.

Until then I just have to live with it.

“Memories are painful and leave our hearts crying out for more, sometimes the memory is worth the pain that follows.”