I Survive

I have survived

by

Running from the end

Resisting its will and refusing to bend

Hiding from the shadows while avoiding the cages

  Fighting the the fears while embracing the changes

and

Escaping,

 the past.

In the end,

I survived.

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Faded Flowers

The seed sown in the past had grown and bloomed, all the leaves have fallen, all that remains; nothing.

Only darkened dust.

A faded memory from a shadow once cast by a beautiful flower that eclipsed the light.

All beauty fades, all light turns to dark, all memories remain as nothing more than memories.

Memories of Nobody

I was sat quietly with my thoughts, simply watching the world pass by, seeing everything and trying to see nothing; it was at this moment my gaze was caught by someone with a vacant smile.

A tall young woman with long yet thin rose coloured hair, skin so dry that it had cracked and dull blue eyes that could only see sadness. This is what I could see, although not outwardly apparent.

To my surprise she approached me, after some general conversation and a passing comment ‘considering how I’ve spotted you sat in the same place you must never work’ we laughed and I asked what made her say hello, it was a simple and gratifying answer ‘you just look very friendly and like a good listener’ this brought a slight smile to my face, it also brought with it questions of what she wanted to talk about and why.

This young woman seems lost in the past, a place I could understand she was in, any advise of wisdom I could impart onto her suddenly vanished from consciousness, I only had emotion left.

“It seems to me you keep looking back over your shoulder in the hope that things will go back to how the were, I’m sorry to say they won’t. The longer you hold on the longer it will hurt, it is never nice to be treated in such a way but unfortunately that’s often how life plays out. In time the cut will heal and then it will scar over then one day eventually fade away until the remnant memories are of a faceless, nameless shadow. All you need do is just keep moving forwards with your life.”

Shortly after we parted company and she thanked me for listening.

I guess that all anyone can do is keep moving forwards, away from those who hurt us, and in the end you are left with memories of nobody.

Something Forgotten

Looking back through some old documents I stumble across one titled “April” I should have just destroyed it and forgotten I ever saw it, coulda, woulda, shoulda….

It was the letter I had written for her all that time ago.

As I sat and read through it I felt a surge of emotion, a surge unlike any I had felt for a long time, Reading it back to myself I felt the tears stream down my face, I loved this girl so much it made me ache all over and there was nothing I could do to stop this feeling.

I think back to when “Jay” contacted me and told me she had shown him this letter that I had written, more feeling returned to my heart followed by the pain I had since forgotten, it seemed the two went hand in hand… I would not be granted one without the other.

As I continue to read I think to myself “How could I have gotten it so wrong? How could I have loved someone so much and taken such a risk for her? How could I ever feel that way again?” I’m not an emotional person by nature, I let people see parts of myself while cleverly hiding the rest, hiding the deeper parts of my personality because of the fear of getting hurt as I had in the past. I had never opened up like I did for her and in return all I was granted was betrayal and suffering.

To miss someone every day and yearn to just speak to them and make sure they are alright is crippling, still there was nothing left anymore, re-reading the letter drained me physically to the point of not being able to hold myself up.  

This is one of the reasons why I will never read through this blog.

Silence surrounds me, I have no more tears to shed and yet my heart still aches… every day. The pain had not disappeared, I had not forgotten who I thought she was, I had only become numb which had given me respite, even if only for a brief time..

The truth is, I will always remember who she was an apparition or not she was real to me, she will always be there, that one shining memory in an otherwise darkened heart.

Unrequited Silence

“Out of sight out of mind, such a fitting saying until you see that person again”

Just like that without any warning it hit me, I walked back into work with only thoughts of general importance and I catch a glimpse in my peripheral vision that draws me to double take and I see a face almost unrecognisable from what I once knew.

My chest tightens and my heart begins to race, a burning desire ignites with passion and curiosity to simply smile and say hello. I do nothing, I make no eye contact and keep walking.

Speaking to associates I find an almost uncontrolled urge to glance across the room, I do not. I can feel a presence watching me, I still struggle to keep my head turned and place the idea in my head “your probably just seeing it in your own head, carry on as normal and play not the fool any longer” moving to an old acquaintance for a friendly conversation I once again occupy my mind.

Choosing what could only have been the worst place to talk she walks past me get her belongings, she looks sad perhaps anxious and still I make no attempt at contact.

It’s sad to think that there are people in the world who once you would tell everything too, all you secrets, hopes and dreams without a second thought. 

All the time she was there today the only thing I desired was to look her in those eyes, smile and ask “how are you?”…..

It’s truly amazing how all it takes is something as simple as a crossing of paths to cause our hearts to ache once more, causing what had been buried to emerge from the depths again. 

This feeling would pass, each time it was drawn out of its chamber it required less and less time to pacify. 

“Sad really, even after we no longer want to feel for those who caused us so much pain we cannot help but still care, no matter if the feelings were one sided it mattered not. The people who care will remind us that those feelings from the other person were not real, the love was not real… Sad thing is it was real to me” 

A Random Memory

“Memories can hit us at the most unsuspecting times”

Walking in the dark and drizzling rain towards work I look out over the river and see it is close to overflowing, as I stand and just take a moment to listen to the flow of the water I am overcome with memories.

Rather than bury them I decide to just let them flow, much like the river I was stood over.

The most vivid part of the memories was that look, those eyes held so much and pierced through me… she had beautiful eyes.

Leaving the river and continuing the walk to work I occupied my mind with thoughts of work and what I needed to do, I was thinking about anything and everything to keep myself on the light side of myself. Working through the morning the memories returned to the abyss whence they came and I carried on with life as normal, sitting down after work for a green tea I began to read and get lost in a world of knowledge until I had a visit from an unexpected person, “Amelia”.

We began to talk and I explained more to her about past events as she had asked the right questions, I could see the way she was looking at me with such feeling and understanding because she had been in a similar situation in her past. I could have easily kept on seeing her and seen how things developed but I knew in my heart I was not right , I made no attempt to lead her into a false sense of my feelings because as sad as it might be I was still not ready.

Finishing our drinks we shared a hug and went about our own business, as I walked away I turn to wave and see the way she looks at me and like before without warning the memory that hit me by the river was in the centre of my mind’s eye.

Walking home I stopped by that same river and just bean to think about the look I see now when our eyes cross paths even if only briefly, we both make as little eye contact as possible since the events before Christmas but went I do see her I see a sad look behind her eyes and I can’t help but wonder what causes it. Guilt? Remorse? Maybe those are real eyes and what I saw not her but a reflection of myself staring back at me for I wanted to believe in something so pure are Love that I was blinded by my own ambition.. it doesn’t matter either way.

“She had beautiful eyes. Her gaze was full of passion, hope and that little bit more that captured my heart more and more every time I looked at her, it made me feel like nothing else mattered, I felt at peace as brief as that was. Thinking now about those eyes causes my heart to ache, it lingers for days the intensity remains the same, the pain, it remains the same.”

A Moment of Sadness

“2am is the time it hits you, 2am is your deepest moment of thought 2am is when you think of everything someone meant to you and realise you still miss them”

The acceptance of pain is hard and our bodies fight it every step of the way, we look on the positive side of life’s challenges and all that we learn from them and all that they give us but sometimes but sometimes we are hit by that rush of emotion that reduces even the strongest of us to tears even if only briefly before we regain control.

Staring into the dark embrace of the night with only the whistling of the wind the rustling of the leaves and the silent sobbing that leaks from our hearts we remain silent keeping these feelings buried deep in the hope that one day they pain would reside and we would suffer torment no more.

Do we ever really let go of our memories that we hold so dear? The memories linked in song words, places, smells/scents  and more that cause us to remember a time of bliss and elation for at that time we thought we had everything. Do we let go of those same memories that make us smile but also hold a curse that pierces our hearts without warning or hesitation and brings us back to reality and the acceptance of choices made by ourselves and those who we thought we knew.

Days turn to weeks, weeks to month & months to years and life goes on….. people go on.

Looking into the eyes of our fellow man can give us the chance to see what is in their hearts but those few will have a look that says “I am strong, I can help you, I am always here” these are the same people who notice the small things, these people are the good friends who you can always depend on, there people are the ones who have been forever scared and find happiness in helping others because it gives them comfort to see others smile.

These are the people who lay away at 2am with thoughts that make them remember once they too were happy.

These are people that live in hope to find each other and be understood, to be accepted and not left asking that ominous question that resonates with pain each time it is asked “Why?”.

These are the people who for all their strength eventually succumb to their emotion at only one time 2am… are you one of those people?