Not all is even.

She loves me….

She really really loves me and yet I can’t seem to feel anything on that level for her and it tears me apart because she doesn’t deserve anything less. Not all is even and it never will be and that breaks me in two.

I know how much that will hurt and yet I can’t force myself to feel anything past what I do. While there is no question of love, I am not ‘In love’ and there is a big difference between the two.

I’ve seen countless people who love each other live out their lives with something always being missing. They will often now refer to the couple of old who stuck it out because back in ‘their day’ they fixed what was broken rather than throwing it out. While this is true there was also as much if not more infidelity between these old couples because even though they got the emotional support and comfort of the home life they were missing that quintessential part of any relationship that makes the difference, passion.

Years have gone by and I’ve watched so many fires burn out because they only last so long. No this isn’t always the case as some have flames as bright as the day they met and it’s those people I envy the most because that’s how it should be, well, to me that’s how it should be. Yes they will have ups and downs but the fire, the passion will always be there and I don’t see the point in settling for anything less than that because in my heart I know I wouldn’t be faithful because something would always be missing. Harsh but true and even if people say they would never do such things I can tell you from bitter experience that no matter how much you claim to love someone the moment you find the difference between loving someone and being ‘in love’ with someone, nothing else comes close.

Am I Cruel? Probably

Am I Heartless? Possibly

Am I Honest? Every time.

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Encounter

I wasn’t prepared for that encounter.

Buried emotion has hit my harder than a train and let me sat here struggling to keep a straight face. Why do we do it to ourselves? It’s just not worth it, the pain is not worth the pleasure that precedes it.

It’s clear to me that I still feel as strongly as I ever did but she, as before, seems me as nothing more than an ongoing inconvenience.

I should not have admitted that there was always so much I wanted to say whenever our paths crossed. I knew I wouldn’t get the answer I wanted, but I did it to myself anyway. To see her knee jerk reaction was still run bolt int he other direction cut as deep as it did the first time.

Before she ran she told me to make a mental bank of all the things I wanted to say to her, it was at that point I stupidly uttered these words… “If I say what I want it would only make life harder for me.” and at that point the conversation was over. Although I was honest with my words to  her I wouldn’t dare tell her what I really wanted because I know full well I am not strong enough to take her reaction. A blow of that magnitude would only serve to send me backwards.

Instead I will leave those words here, that way they will not haunt me and can be lost in the ether of webspace.

“If I say what I want it would only make life harder for me, but…. That still does not stop he fact I want to throw my arms around you to hold you close and never let go because I am sadly, undeniably still in love with you, but you already know that.”

How pitiful. I am ashamed of myself for still being this weak around her. At this point I would give anything to be free of this pain. I would gladly cut off a piece of myself if it meant I could finally move forwards and away from this, leaving it to fade in to a forgotten memory.

Chance would be a fine thing.

I’m Totally Lost

It’s become easy to see why people struggle to understand… It’s something they couldn’t ever understand because for the they would need to know me and I don’t know who I am anymore.

A sad truth, yet it’s the only one I know at the moment.

To hide behind the image of what you were is a stress.

I lost everything I valued. Trust, feeling happy, content with myself, my identity, it’s all gone and even if I was to take the necessary steps to potentially regain some aspects the bits that really matter are still gone. I gave them willingly and in return I was gifted with nothing back suffering. Perhaps it was my penance, or maybe even what I deserved.

Even when everything stacked against me in the past I could easily keep going, but now all I want to do is close my eyes and never need to open them again. A man out of time, lost among the false visage of sanity…

“There was once all. It was Love, Joy, Happiness and more… Now there is silence where there was laughter, darkness instead of light and no matter how much I want to, I’ve given up the fight.”

I feel totally lost in this world now.

 

2 Years Already

It’s been two years now…

Two years ago I started this blog as a place where I could come and leave my memories, thoughts, feelings and stories.

Over that time it has changed a lot. There has been a great deal of emotion, most of it falling on the side of melancholy, but despite that people still seem to read what I write.

Why?

There could be any number of reasons I guess. Perhaps it’s out of pity, maybe even curiosity to watch a mind and life slowly fall apart but regardless of what he reasons actually are, I want to say thank you for reading the simple ramblings of a fool.

I know I am not the most gifted writer, nor am I anything that even comes close to a diamond in the rough but at least I can say I always write from the heart, even if mine is damaged at least what I write is what I feel.

Today has been an interesting day, but the second I opened my eyes I just felt sad for no real reason. If I’m honest I still don’t know why I feel sad, but I could quite happily close my eyes and leave it at that today.

I was asked an interesting question by someone who adores me earlier – “Have you been in contact with…” – My answer was no, but I did find a subtle joy in the very real irony that shortly after the mention of her name and being asked that question I saw a man from my past who now hates me with all his soul, along with the obligatory ‘Happy Anniversary’ pop up in my blog notifications as a reminder of where I was on this day all those years ago. It seems there is such a thing as sequential coincidence.

My friend the fates are cruel. They pull the strings and move the pieces in the game that makes up our lives, but in the end I’m sure it will all make sense.

Two years huh…. That’s a long time to ignore something that is with you everyday.

Subtle Couple

The sit in the same place everyday.

Drinking the same order of coffee.

Talking about the same things.

They look like a normal pair of friends, both with different wedding rings, but it’s not what you can hear of what you can see that really tell their story.

If you really look you will see their subtle glances, not making direct eye contact for longer than a second but it’s long enough to see what they really think of each other. They may be friends externally, but behind their eyes and buried deep in their souls they are so much more. Their body language says comfortable rapport, but the nuances say a great deal more.

Passion, lust, desire… All their emotions that can’t be spoken rage like an uncontrolled fire.

Even they way they hug is different from what you wold expect from ‘friends’. They gently put one arm around the other but it’s that split second before contact that the rush to make contact, pull each other close, but not too close. If it wasn’t for the glimmer of white knuckles you wouldn’t be wrong in seeing nothing more than a gentle good bye hug, but there is so much more.

The rush of colour to her cheeks as they connect. The flaring of his nostrils as he basks in her scent. The widening of their eyes and dilation of their pupils as they break from the embrace. It’s all there.

They are more than friends.

They are more than lovers.

They are the envy of the world.

They are one soul.

But both are married… Each walks to their respective partner and their children with open arms, but the contact is not the same. The look is different, the connection isn’t there yet they stay out of loyalty. They stay because they make the other happy, even though the last glance you will see as they look over the shoulder of their spouse at one another, every time.

I do wonder how long each marriage will last, because even though their souls seem to be joined on a much deeper level that many will understand or see they will never be together.

They missed their chance.

All they have now is the weekly meeting outside the coffee shop and their unspoken look of love that endures.

I guess there really are selfless acts in this world after all.

It’s All About Time

It’s all in the timing.

The situations we are confronted with in life, who we turn to, who we see as the hero or the villain, is all largely dependent on the timing. This is an inconvenient truth that people will deny because it doesn’t suit them to believe it, even though it’s true.

I have been in various situations with skewed vision, but when you sit and look back it becomes very clear what was really going on.

One of those ‘kinda friends’ is in a situation where she is scared of being alone. Reading her messages I can see confusion, a lost little girls searching for the yellow brick road that’s buried under the muddy leaves. She will not admit it, she defends her views ferociously, it’s something she isn’t ready to accept yet but in time she will see that she doesn’t miss the person, she missing the feeling.

Feelings can be recreated, all it takes is the right conditions at the right time and the person who you thought was your one true love becomes nothing but a distant memory.

One thing I’ve learnt is that life is one giant experiment, like a science project in a lab all it takes is an accident to create a miracle or a disaster. Too many people try to force the conditions, but life just doesn’t work that way.

Life will either fall in to place or fall apart, you don’t get the choice of which. You’re merely swept along, caught in the current. The river might be straight and uneventful, or it might be filled rocks, jagged edges and danger at every turn, just sit back and see what comes your way and deal with it when it happens.

The young and naive views of the inexperienced is like looking in a mirror.

When I was 18 I knew far more than I do now. At 18 I had it all figured out, the world, life, relationships, simply everything and then I ‘fell in love’ well, for the first time anyway and it all changed. I built a business, I worked several jobs, I grew up and the cruel irony of it all is the more I learnt the more I didn’t know, nor would I ever know.

We were all young once, but we didn’t understand what it meant.
Do I sound condescending?

Probably. I’m sure there are people far younger than me who know far more and have had far more life experience, but does it matter?

No.

All that matters in the end is you realised your own ignorance, your own mortality and you don’t know what you think you know and you never will.

In the end, it’s all about time.