Why are you there?

Seeing you in a pace you’d never be
Watching you watching me
Then just before I leave you say something

“Don’t leave. Please don’t run away again.”

With sincerity in your eyes and a somber tone
You looked like you did that day
Even though this was only a dream
That look… It split me in half
Again

Accidental Third Wheel

Sat alone, peaceful and still
A pair sit near, of all the space they have to choose from
Why here?

They giggle
Flirt, fumble and fall over each others words
Not once taking their eyes off each other

I had forgotten this
The subtle moments
I had forgotten it all

I’m invisible to them they are locked in the others embrace
Quietly I can split away
Wishing they find what it is they don’t even know they’re looking for

Because believe it or not, they’ve just found it

Those two, they made me smile
It seems not all love is lost
Those two, they made me smile

2AM

Have you ever completely given your entire being to someone else?

Loved them more than you could ever love yourself?

I have.

It almost destroyed me, yet there is no regret, only that slight sadness in reminiscent memories with the knowledge that now such a thing has been tasted nothing else compares.

The feeling, it was truly something to bask in, to let consume you and relinquish your very soul as the fair for such an experience.

If you’re someone like me then you’ll not easily open to others.

While it for the most part may seem like a lonely place to be you are content with it because of the safety it provides. After a time you’re often presented with a choice to let someone in and you hesitate. Do you know why? I do.

You hesitate because while it may be everything on paper, there is just something missing. Not the essence gained from time, it’s something different, impalpable, incorporeal, ethereal even. What ever it is you know it because you give everything you have to it.

Now this isn’t like the good old first love, lust or any other axiom that people will claim and those that do haven’t crossed that threshold yet, simply as once you do there is never any way you can come back from it.

Ever wonder what people mean what they say “Those who know”, well that’s what they mean, in what ever the context of it’s use. You can’t explain to those who don’t know, nor can you converse with those that do, all there is to behold is that sense that ‘they get it’.

This is of course both relieving and simultaneously frustrating.

The next time you wake up at 2AM, if you know, this will all make sense.

You’ll never be good enough

There are some people in this word that you will never be good enough for

Regardless of the changes you make

Of what you do to please them and gain their affection

You’re just never going to be enough

Yet all the time you chase the idea of who you love

The further away you get from the physical equivalent of it

Waste not your precious time

Because you’ll never be good enough for them

Well,

Until you’re no longer available to them that is

Then watch them come crawling back to you

With love in their eyes

Words of the sweetest tune you’ve ever heard

They’re finally yours to have

Now ask yourself, are they, were they ever really good enough for you?

 

Not all is even.

She loves me….

She really really loves me and yet I can’t seem to feel anything on that level for her and it tears me apart because she doesn’t deserve anything less. Not all is even and it never will be and that breaks me in two.

I know how much that will hurt and yet I can’t force myself to feel anything past what I do. While there is no question of love, I am not ‘In love’ and there is a big difference between the two.

I’ve seen countless people who love each other live out their lives with something always being missing. They will often now refer to the couple of old who stuck it out because back in ‘their day’ they fixed what was broken rather than throwing it out. While this is true there was also as much if not more infidelity between these old couples because even though they got the emotional support and comfort of the home life they were missing that quintessential part of any relationship that makes the difference, passion.

Years have gone by and I’ve watched so many fires burn out because they only last so long. No this isn’t always the case as some have flames as bright as the day they met and it’s those people I envy the most because that’s how it should be, well, to me that’s how it should be. Yes they will have ups and downs but the fire, the passion will always be there and I don’t see the point in settling for anything less than that because in my heart I know I wouldn’t be faithful because something would always be missing. Harsh but true and even if people say they would never do such things I can tell you from bitter experience that no matter how much you claim to love someone the moment you find the difference between loving someone and being ‘in love’ with someone, nothing else comes close.

Am I Cruel? Probably

Am I Heartless? Possibly

Am I Honest? Every time.

Encounter

I wasn’t prepared for that encounter.

Buried emotion has hit my harder than a train and let me sat here struggling to keep a straight face. Why do we do it to ourselves? It’s just not worth it, the pain is not worth the pleasure that precedes it.

It’s clear to me that I still feel as strongly as I ever did but she, as before, seems me as nothing more than an ongoing inconvenience.

I should not have admitted that there was always so much I wanted to say whenever our paths crossed. I knew I wouldn’t get the answer I wanted, but I did it to myself anyway. To see her knee jerk reaction was still run bolt int he other direction cut as deep as it did the first time.

Before she ran she told me to make a mental bank of all the things I wanted to say to her, it was at that point I stupidly uttered these words… “If I say what I want it would only make life harder for me.” and at that point the conversation was over. Although I was honest with my words to  her I wouldn’t dare tell her what I really wanted because I know full well I am not strong enough to take her reaction. A blow of that magnitude would only serve to send me backwards.

Instead I will leave those words here, that way they will not haunt me and can be lost in the ether of webspace.

“If I say what I want it would only make life harder for me, but…. That still does not stop he fact I want to throw my arms around you to hold you close and never let go because I am sadly, undeniably still in love with you, but you already know that.”

How pitiful. I am ashamed of myself for still being this weak around her. At this point I would give anything to be free of this pain. I would gladly cut off a piece of myself if it meant I could finally move forwards and away from this, leaving it to fade in to a forgotten memory.

Chance would be a fine thing.

I’m Totally Lost

It’s become easy to see why people struggle to understand… It’s something they couldn’t ever understand because for the they would need to know me and I don’t know who I am anymore.

A sad truth, yet it’s the only one I know at the moment.

To hide behind the image of what you were is a stress.

I lost everything I valued. Trust, feeling happy, content with myself, my identity, it’s all gone and even if I was to take the necessary steps to potentially regain some aspects the bits that really matter are still gone. I gave them willingly and in return I was gifted with nothing back suffering. Perhaps it was my penance, or maybe even what I deserved.

Even when everything stacked against me in the past I could easily keep going, but now all I want to do is close my eyes and never need to open them again. A man out of time, lost among the false visage of sanity…

“There was once all. It was Love, Joy, Happiness and more… Now there is silence where there was laughter, darkness instead of light and no matter how much I want to, I’ve given up the fight.”

I feel totally lost in this world now.