Why are you there?

Seeing you in a pace you’d never be
Watching you watching me
Then just before I leave you say something

“Don’t leave. Please don’t run away again.”

With sincerity in your eyes and a somber tone
You looked like you did that day
Even though this was only a dream
That look… It split me in half


The feeling is a strange one.

It’s like walking through a forest in the middle of the night, the light of the moon is unable to break through the thicket.

I am lost.

Confusion sets in, hope begins to fade. I thought I had clarity, I thought I knew the way, but now… Now it’s all been thrown in to question. My guilt is building, but I am not ready, no in the slightest.

What options do I have? Wander lost in the hope I’m never found or give up and let my demons find me. What options indeed.

The former calls to me, but the latter is more likely. I can only run for so long, eventually I will be found, life catches up. The failings of or past find a way to ruin the future, no matter how hard you try to overcome them.

I guess in truth, I am not lost. I am scared.

400 Words Getting Harder

You wold think that writing only 400 words a day would be easy, well I can assure you that you would be wrong. Half of the things you want to put down make absolutely no sense, they are just jumbled words and incomplete sentences, that is if you know how to write a sentence that is.

As I’m sure you can tell by the way I write, I have no grasp on the english language. I literally wing everything, but I guess it doesn’t really matter in the end.

I have found my life currently has become calm. There is no trouble, no hardship, no challenge, there is nothing to hold my attention anymore. the only slight obstacle I face is potential health issues, no doubt passed down lovingly through my families lineage, but apart from that the case of my depression is self induced because I’m bored.

Yep, bored.

What a selfish thing to say huh.

Don’t get me wrong, I am fully aware the world owes me no favours, after all, I haven’t cured cancer or won a Nobel Prize but surely there has to be more than just monotonous routine, doesn’t there?

You will have a great many people who say ‘life is what you make it’ and while I agree with this, they miss out one key piece of the puzzle when they make that statement. They forget to tell you that you have to WANT to make something out of life, you need to have an inner desire to become better and grow because without those little gems you will never really do anything.

I was on a course today, surrounded by a group of people with higher than average opinions of themselves, I lost interest in their academic masterbation quickly. As time slowly passed I occasionally listened as the stroked each others egos, none were willing to criticise for the fear of being outcast from the group, well, except for me that was.

It wasn’t long before I could feel them reaching for their pitchforks and burning torches ready to chase me out of the building like Frankensteins Monster. I did enjoy the anarchy for a brief moment.

I guess through all of this I have learnt a great deal about people who get trapped in the maze. No matter how far they run, what doors they open it doesn’t make a difference because they only ever end up going back on themselves. I can see why people struggle.

If I can’t get myself out of the labyrinth at least I can lend a hand to those who are also lost in it too.

The Grip of Envy

I find myself in the hands of arguably the deadliest sin… Envy.

Each day I become more jealous of what I am forced to bear witness too; it infuriates me!

While I believe that people deserve what they get for the most part, those lucky few seem to have everything land in their lap and parade their it about like the world owes them a debt of gratitude really anger me.

Those faceless many who copy, steal and replicate what isn’t theirs and achieve praise are no worth of the rewards life gives them.

They are IMITATIONS, carbon copies of the original, but they are accepted not scorned, loved not hated, welcomed not abandoned… why makes them any different?

Do they really deserve it?

Maybe… Maybe Not, but either way it doesn’t matter because they have it.

After much talk of the ‘Paying Their Dues’ it doesn’t take long to track back and find out all of what is claimed is false, yet people still flock to their cause.

The world truly is full of idiots.

I make no apologises for being jaded in the green allure. I wish the world was fair, I wish I could put right what I see is wrong but I can’t.

Then again, just because I feel it is wrong it doesn’t mean it actually is.

When did I become that guy?

When did it all go so wrong…

A Moment of Sadness

“2am is the time it hits you, 2am is your deepest moment of thought 2am is when you think of everything someone meant to you and realise you still miss them”

The acceptance of pain is hard and our bodies fight it every step of the way, we look on the positive side of life’s challenges and all that we learn from them and all that they give us but sometimes but sometimes we are hit by that rush of emotion that reduces even the strongest of us to tears even if only briefly before we regain control.

Staring into the dark embrace of the night with only the whistling of the wind the rustling of the leaves and the silent sobbing that leaks from our hearts we remain silent keeping these feelings buried deep in the hope that one day they pain would reside and we would suffer torment no more.

Do we ever really let go of our memories that we hold so dear? The memories linked in song words, places, smells/scents  and more that cause us to remember a time of bliss and elation for at that time we thought we had everything. Do we let go of those same memories that make us smile but also hold a curse that pierces our hearts without warning or hesitation and brings us back to reality and the acceptance of choices made by ourselves and those who we thought we knew.

Days turn to weeks, weeks to month & months to years and life goes on….. people go on.

Looking into the eyes of our fellow man can give us the chance to see what is in their hearts but those few will have a look that says “I am strong, I can help you, I am always here” these are the same people who notice the small things, these people are the good friends who you can always depend on, there people are the ones who have been forever scared and find happiness in helping others because it gives them comfort to see others smile.

These are the people who lay away at 2am with thoughts that make them remember once they too were happy.

These are people that live in hope to find each other and be understood, to be accepted and not left asking that ominous question that resonates with pain each time it is asked “Why?”.

These are the people who for all their strength eventually succumb to their emotion at only one time 2am… are you one of those people?