Sleeping Look

It looks like she is sleeping.

So peaceful, with skin is as soft a silk to touch, hair as golden as the sun and a smell is that akin to freshly cut roses. 

It looks like she is sleeping.

These arms now holding her close, they won’t let go, even though they must.

It looks like she is sleeping.

A tear runs down my cheek. I don’t say a word. 

It looks like she is sleeping.

If only that was true…

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It’s Finally Gone

“Just like that the weight of a thousand ages had been lifted from my shoulders”

Countless thoughts, feelings, memories and stories have been written in the blog and after the revelations of the last few days my pain has finally gone…

Thinking back to the times I tried to help and failed, thinking back through all the pain I suffered without hesitation for her, I finally knew there was nothing more I could do. My last act was carried out only a couple of days ago and yet it feels like so much longer.

I was told by “Kain” that he and his son were trying desperately to pull “April” out of a destructive situation, Knowing that they are doing all they can was comforting yet sad.

Why was it sad? Because who I once knew was truly lost and there was no chance of her ever returning.

The person that was now left in her place I wished not ill towards, but with all my heart I prayed for her safety and happiness with  hope one day she has a chance to find love. I thought I could have given her all of this but that was written in the stars for us. I hope that one day she might be free of her own darkness that surrounds her.

Finally letting go of the memory of the girl I had held onto for so long was hard, to let go of everything, the hope, dreams, feelings and memories is not something you can plan it just happens when you’re ready, I shed no tears and felt no pain, there was nothing else left for me to do but continue my life.

I am sure I will have times where something will trigger a vagrant memory; it’s only human to remember someone who you loved with all of your heart.

Strange really, my eyes have been opened as has my heart.

It’s time to live, and who knows maybe one day I will meet someone worth letting in again and when I do I will not be afraid of getting hurt because if I have another chance to be as happy as I felt with her it will be worth the risk.

“She would always have been enough, always”

Unrequited Silence

“Out of sight out of mind, such a fitting saying until you see that person again”

Just like that without any warning it hit me, I walked back into work with only thoughts of general importance and I catch a glimpse in my peripheral vision that draws me to double take and I see a face almost unrecognisable from what I once knew.

My chest tightens and my heart begins to race, a burning desire ignites with passion and curiosity to simply smile and say hello. I do nothing, I make no eye contact and keep walking.

Speaking to associates I find an almost uncontrolled urge to glance across the room, I do not. I can feel a presence watching me, I still struggle to keep my head turned and place the idea in my head “your probably just seeing it in your own head, carry on as normal and play not the fool any longer” moving to an old acquaintance for a friendly conversation I once again occupy my mind.

Choosing what could only have been the worst place to talk she walks past me get her belongings, she looks sad perhaps anxious and still I make no attempt at contact.

It’s sad to think that there are people in the world who once you would tell everything too, all you secrets, hopes and dreams without a second thought. 

All the time she was there today the only thing I desired was to look her in those eyes, smile and ask “how are you?”…..

It’s truly amazing how all it takes is something as simple as a crossing of paths to cause our hearts to ache once more, causing what had been buried to emerge from the depths again. 

This feeling would pass, each time it was drawn out of its chamber it required less and less time to pacify. 

“Sad really, even after we no longer want to feel for those who caused us so much pain we cannot help but still care, no matter if the feelings were one sided it mattered not. The people who care will remind us that those feelings from the other person were not real, the love was not real… Sad thing is it was real to me” 

Tempestuous Thoughts

“A raging storm of emotion crashes through the confides of my mind, unrelenting and unstoppable”

Spending the weekend at a wedding I was confronted by an overwhelming flood of happiness form the guests who could see only happiness in the future of this young family, smile as I might I was filled with a deep sorrow. My gaze was caught by couples spread throughout the room and I noticed one thing in particular a vacant look with an empty smile as these couple held each other in a “Loving Embrace” saddest things was I saw this even in the bride and groom… on a day that should have filled them with elation and emotion so powerful it could stop time itself all I saw was these couple were missing something, that deeper look that affected the whole face showing true emotion not just a plastered fallacy.

I began to think inwardly “Maybe I only want to see others pain to easy my own suffering?” I continued to look for these small moments that if captured on camera would echo through the ages and have people looking upon them in awe with a hope that they would one day be that happy.

Hours pass and the night draws to an end and the last dance is announced, asking a friend to get up and dance I slowly walk her to the floor and begin to dance “I didn’t know you could dance” she said, this made me smile “well I’m full of surprises” listening to the words of the song an elderly couple catch my eye slowly pacing in the corner of the room holding one another closer than all others I had seen before them as the song ended I watch this illustrious old couple and see the first genuine sign of happiness I had seen all day, a look that made my heart ache because once I had someone who looked at me like that.

The old couple gave me hope that one day I might find a person with eyes so beautiful I could get lost in them just as I did hers all that time ago.

A Moment of Sadness

“2am is the time it hits you, 2am is your deepest moment of thought 2am is when you think of everything someone meant to you and realise you still miss them”

The acceptance of pain is hard and our bodies fight it every step of the way, we look on the positive side of life’s challenges and all that we learn from them and all that they give us but sometimes but sometimes we are hit by that rush of emotion that reduces even the strongest of us to tears even if only briefly before we regain control.

Staring into the dark embrace of the night with only the whistling of the wind the rustling of the leaves and the silent sobbing that leaks from our hearts we remain silent keeping these feelings buried deep in the hope that one day they pain would reside and we would suffer torment no more.

Do we ever really let go of our memories that we hold so dear? The memories linked in song words, places, smells/scents  and more that cause us to remember a time of bliss and elation for at that time we thought we had everything. Do we let go of those same memories that make us smile but also hold a curse that pierces our hearts without warning or hesitation and brings us back to reality and the acceptance of choices made by ourselves and those who we thought we knew.

Days turn to weeks, weeks to month & months to years and life goes on….. people go on.

Looking into the eyes of our fellow man can give us the chance to see what is in their hearts but those few will have a look that says “I am strong, I can help you, I am always here” these are the same people who notice the small things, these people are the good friends who you can always depend on, there people are the ones who have been forever scared and find happiness in helping others because it gives them comfort to see others smile.

These are the people who lay away at 2am with thoughts that make them remember once they too were happy.

These are people that live in hope to find each other and be understood, to be accepted and not left asking that ominous question that resonates with pain each time it is asked “Why?”.

These are the people who for all their strength eventually succumb to their emotion at only one time 2am… are you one of those people?