The soft angelic voice of hope cries.
“You’re writing is so depressing lately.”
Words spoken with nothing but truth that cannot be denied. She was right, my writing has become very lost, steeped in the darkness that clouds me every thought and there is little I can do to pull myself out of this black hole because it’s me… The problem has always been within me and my inability to accept the truth.
“You were becoming very emotional this morning.”
Spoke the strong and steady pillar of experience and logic. His concern can be seen through his eyes, but there is nothing he can do except watch and wait until the resolution of it all.
It’s easy for me to see the frustration in both their faces as they want so desperately to help me, but my internal reaction is to distance myself and be alone, not to wallow in self pity but to control my inner demons and crush them as they try to take over. So far I have done this, but it’s getting harder, the cracks are becoming more evident the longer I am forced to wait. Knowledge is a dangerous thing, especially when you know the only logical solution.
I guess the only way to help people understand is to explain to them, though it will be hard to accept because it’s not everyday you meet one of ‘those’ people who are the logical fallacy, the what if, the exception to the rule that is ahead of the curve, but it’s what I am and people can accept it or not. Admittedly I never actually thought I would ever be this person, but life has a funny way to playing out and as many say “there must be a reason.” and there is… I did this to myself.
The last few years took a heavy toll indeed and although I did not break and held on to what remained of my sanity my body broke under the immense strain of it all. Now I know what the elders mean when they say “It isn’t worth it.” because it will always cost you something in the end.
A lesson with pain is meaningless, but once you recover from that pain and heal you can take on more etna you could before, you’re stronger than you were, you’ve gained so much from that lesson but remember there is always a price too. You must always pay for your lessons one way or another. It’s the law of equivalent exchange, to create something you must lose something of equal value.
I gained unimaginable strength but it cost me my pride.