Perfectly Human

You claimed to live your life for others. Giving up your dreams, your path for someone else as you were all they had.

A beautiful lie you told yourself so many times that you actually believe it.

The truth though, that is something very different.

You didn’t stay for another, you stayed because you were scared of having nothing, of being nothing. It was easier to claim self sacrifice for another happiness then to face your own fragility.

This is why you hold on, spinning a web of lies as you steal time with your sins all while wearing a mask of altruism. It is this denial, this lie that causes the pain you can’t seem to run from.

To use others as the excuse for your lack of meaning, or the reason why you sacrificed your true purpose is nothing short of cowardice.

Worry not though, it doesn’t make you anything other than perfectly human.

Lair Liar

Lies, deceit and other such things are common practice, and as you know many will say that this is wrong, yet I have yet to meet someone who hasn’t lied to further their own agenda or preserve an image.

Funny, is it not?

You shouldn’t lie, yet it’s okay to lie if your intentions are noble.

What absolute tripe.

We are so flawed to believe our own magnanimity, delusion is more prevalent than we’d care to admit.

This world is maddening, it truly is.

The hypocrisy, it’s everywhere and no matter where you look you will find cracks in the stories, tears in the fibres of peoples beings for honestly is never the best policy and people will only reveal all once it’s already been found out. Usually in a last ditch attempt to atone, regardless of if it’s too late.

I was honest once, truly.

It was at the crux of a situation and caused my world to implode at an alarming rate because such honesty was seen as madness.

A hefty lesson was learnt.

As such I have no problems with saying that you my friend are a liar, be it for a nobel and just cause or not, you’re still a liar, it is because of this we corrupt ourselves, our lives, our happiness.

We destroy ourselves with our lies, yet we will even lie about the truth in that.

A Vendetta

Time grows short as the sun does set
We are hurtling towards the end
Each moment that passed since we first met

No length of time will allow the split to mend
We showed our true colours both you and I
It’s a distant memory.. that word known as ‘friend’

No truth was spread it was only lies
We forgot our pasts
A character revealed both bitter and flawed you kept hidden inside

This story was never meant to last
I pity you
Now vendetta is you chosen task

I wanted to be civil just friends honest and true
It’s a shame you didn’t want that too

So Much…

“So much pain, so much suffering, so much anger! So much Hate! So much love…”

Reading the lies written so long ago, they tear through my heart, the pain is unbearable.. my silent screams of anguish are masked by my exuberant confidence and strength.

“Even the strongest fall to a knee when the weight becomes too great”

Why did I read it? I don’t know. I had forgotten of its existence yet reading through it I feel angry for allowing myself to believe the lies. For a person to conceive such a letter, with words speaking of “True Love” memory and heart can only come from a sick mind, a mind that is so damaged it cannot comprehend they effects of its actions.

“The way you smile at me, it’s the same every time, the same with your eyes the way you look at me never changes”… The torment of reading that line is immense, she knew how I had fallen, and she knew just how to control me.

Why would she write such a letter?

She speaks of how embarrassed and ashamed she is of her actions, yet she still even now continues to manipulate her pawns on the board.

“When you love someone, when you truly love someone, that person becomes a part of you, they become your life regardless whether they’re in it or not”… Such contrite lies, I am sure I alone was not the only one to hear these words.

This line in particular causes an unparalleled rage “You must be reading this now thinking, why I have given this to you? It’s simple, I can’t give up on you, on us, I never will”… such nonsense, I still wonder what the repercussions would be if I made the last copy of this public.

“I miss you more and more every day, the pain was supposed to subside, not get even worse. You re in my every thought” “I find myself getting completely lost in thoughts about us , I reminisce and think about what could have been. How things should have been. I create stories and fantasies in my head”… How could someone write such things that hold no meaning. Each person wants to hear such words, dreams of hearing such words. A love that truly yearns for their lost partner. It takes a special kind of evil to write such lie knowing full well someone’s feelings.

The deception only fuels the pains and anger, unable to discern fact from fallacy I find my head spinning. Even after my last act of “Helping” I cannot explain the reason why I did it, Love? Or perhaps what I really want is to expose the cruel harlequin for what she really is.

Knowing full well you have read my blog makes me question, why you decided to comment on an older post. Why can you not speak to me face to face? Are you too afraid of your master who punishes you? Or is the real reason you’re too ashamed because everyone knows that you have been playing games and trying to manipulate everyone at every turn?

You say “we’ve broken each other, I’ve broken you” Broken? No fractured yes, unlike you I do not need to hide behind everyone else, I will stand alone and accept the consequences for my actions because I am not a coward.

“I beg you not to hate me, please don’t hate me. I’m not evil, I’m not manipulative, I’m not in control, I’m out of control. Everything I have ever said to you has been from my heart. You will always the only one that will ever know and see me for who I really am. Remember the pain behind my smile is the exact same as the pain behind yours”…nonsensical dribble, if you meant any of that you would never have acted the way you have, at the time of this letter you would never have let me become the one who took the fall for your pathetic preservation of reputation.

You are a liar.

“I will never love another for as long as I live. All my love April”

I applaud you, why? Because Unlike you I really did mean everything I wrote in my letter to you, Unlike you I cannot say things to people unless I mean them. Unlike you I will never use people’s emotions to my advantage not when the result could be so destructive.

I have a question for you now.

Am I right or am I wrong?….

Secrets & Lies

To keep a secret we must tell a lie,
To protect ourselves,
Yet each day we sigh.
Our eyes don’t meet,
It’s better that way,
We ignore each other,
Day after day.

The ignorance is bliss it keeps us safe,
Turning Away from truth,
Restoring our faith,
Faith once lost from the lies and the sleuth,
We forget what we knew,
I carry on my life and so do you.

why?

They question you so to protect their pride,

You wonder why they need to know,

The answers you hide because you have lied,

To lay yourself bare with your feelings on show,

One question they ask for an answer they know.

The answer you give is your choice to make,

So what will it be,

Real or fake?

 

 

Inner Struggle

“The hardest battle we ever too fight is that between our own head and heart”

Wandering thoughts keep me awake throughout the night refusing to let me sleep, refusing to let me forget, refusing to give me silence and freedom from the pain that had burrowed so deep. 

It would seem opening my very heart and soul to take the leap of faith has not only caused me to become more than what I once was but also expose me to the darker side of my thoughts and allow a seething hate to take its grip. 

Seeing only lies and a shadow of a person I try desperately to break free from this path I am on. 

The events of the past few days have caused a turmoil that I did not expect and brought with it a burning desire of curiosity, a question “why say what you have said, Is the truth so hard for you to speak…Are you that weak? just tell me the truth” My insatiable lust for knowledge and understanding that had protected me with logic was now starting to cause cracks in my armour. 

“It’s funny really, that which keeps us safe can eventually turn against us without warning”

Fighting the temptation to send a message asking that one simple question required more strength than climbing the highest mountain in the eye of a storm. 

Do I take the risk to find my answers?

 

Guilt of a Girl

“The sheer amount of hurt you have caused me is measured only by the guilt you feel from the lies you have spread in your tangled web”

Sleepless nights with broken dreams keep me in this perpetual torment dreams are uncontrollable and always end up in the same place causing even more pain to resurface, as I lay in bed after waking from another short sleep I just want it all to cease but this is a pain that has embedded itself in my very soul to become a part of my being until the end of my days.

Arriving at work the air is still and the winds are calm the presence of sadness lurking around me, as I approach my place of work it was as if I was walking towards purgatory itself a darkened hole in which broken dreams were laid for all to see.

Taking off my battered coat I turn to see a ghost of my past approaching me with haste to utter these words “can I have a minute of your time, that’s all I want” against all my better judgement I let “April” into the office… her hand shaking with almost incoherent speech from the borderline of hyperventilation and fear she says to me “I don’t know what you have heard or who has told you but its not true” her words fell on deaf ears as I could hardly look at her but when I did I saw a broken mess trying desperately to claw back some of the dignity that she used to have “I am sorry for what I have done and how I have lied” more and more she spoke… rambled as if she was trying to justify her actions to me.

As sincere and brave as her confession might have seemed all I saw was more lies spouted in an effort to protect herself and excuse the indescribable amount of pain she has caused me… a pain she is still causing me. “I have to live with what I have done” more idealistic dribble to sooth her own guilt and anguish. She seems to forget people talk and one way or another what she has said about me behind closed doors will always find its way to my ears because of peoples curiosity because clearly I was a disturbed and malicious individual to have made up all the feelings that we had for each other.

Even all those seconds she was stood in front of me apologising her words and use of language were not of sadness for the hurt she has caused me but for her own self pity trying once again to convince an audience of the purity of her heart such acts were now wasted on me I thought I knew her…. I was wrong.

Waiting for her silence I open the door and say only this “get out” I could feel myself holding back every emotion I had trying to force its way out, I felt the tears filling my eyes and the pain that resided so deep in me splitting me in two for all the time she was stood in front of me it was clear that she did not care about me only herself she had unwittingly given me more proof that she was not the person I once thought Kind, caring, compassionate, empathetic and loving no she was a selfish, spiteful, malicious individual who would use any means she saw fit to achieve her desired outcome be that words of concern, guilt, regret or even love as long as she achieved what she wanted it did not matter on her choice of weapon.

I would have loved this woman until time itself ceased to exist because I truly believed she was the one and fought so hard to prove this to her and even went as far as opening up completely which I have only ever done for her but instead of being the king that would have stood beside her queen through the game of life I was instead a pawn disposable and easy to sacrifice.

“If you only knew what it was like to wake up everyday and have no reason to get up you might understand a fraction of the pain I suffer”