My World

Around and around we go…

It all falls back on me again. Me being the one who has ‘broken’ someone. Tsk….

I wish I had such power that is attributed to me, but in reality I am just a person like everyone else who is flawed and perhaps lets things happen that they shouldn’t, perhaps that is the price for caring. Maybe that’s the Almighty’s cruel little joke, that we can make everyone we touch elated for a short time and reciprocate the feelings until the candle has burnt out and we are once again left cold and wondering what went wrong.

Where we went wrong.

The faults lay with me. I have tried to let people in but there is still that place they cannot see, there is still so much they have yet to learn about me and why I act the way I do.

I knew a long time ago the eventuality of this outcome, but I never dreamt it would be this soon though I wasn’t prepared for such extra mental strain. Holding that overhead requires my focus, everything else is secondary. My avarice demands it.

I don’t want to hurt people, I hate seeing them cry yet it’s all I make them do.

In the end being alone is the only way I can keep people from getting dragged in to my world of hurt.

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More Tears

It hurt to see her cry like that.

All she wants is to love me, but even after all the times I have told her what I need recently she still fails to listen.
It leaves me in a precarious position. Give in out of guilt and pity to have myself feel worse as each day goes by or stay the course and pray she finds her feet on her own… I don’t want the added stress.
To explain what is happening to my body and my mind everyday is hard and largely pointless, because unless the listener has been in this situation or lived with similar they won’t understand.
No one understands.
Doctors are paid to listen and help yet they are always reluctant, the fools. I wonder if they even know how to help an individual such as myself who isn’t sick or dying but degrading long before his time is due, I guess as the most recent one said, i will just have to sit and wait.
It would be so easy to make a physical cry for help. I’ve tried voicing the psychological issues but they have been brushed off. Maybe a physical cry is the only way to really get their attention, but to do that I would have to prepare for the hurt that it would cause as I made all those around me feel helpless to help.
I think this is the problem with people. They want to be enough to help yet can’t fathom why they fail when their help isn’t wants needed. Calling out words of agony “Why am I not enough?!” the answer to that is simple, because you’re not. You’re not enough of what I need right now, none of my family are… but that does not mean that I don’t care, I just want to be alone to get through these troubled times.
We need what we need, we need what we want but very rarely do we need anything else.

Guilt of a Girl

“The sheer amount of hurt you have caused me is measured only by the guilt you feel from the lies you have spread in your tangled web”

Sleepless nights with broken dreams keep me in this perpetual torment dreams are uncontrollable and always end up in the same place causing even more pain to resurface, as I lay in bed after waking from another short sleep I just want it all to cease but this is a pain that has embedded itself in my very soul to become a part of my being until the end of my days.

Arriving at work the air is still and the winds are calm the presence of sadness lurking around me, as I approach my place of work it was as if I was walking towards purgatory itself a darkened hole in which broken dreams were laid for all to see.

Taking off my battered coat I turn to see a ghost of my past approaching me with haste to utter these words “can I have a minute of your time, that’s all I want” against all my better judgement I let “April” into the office… her hand shaking with almost incoherent speech from the borderline of hyperventilation and fear she says to me “I don’t know what you have heard or who has told you but its not true” her words fell on deaf ears as I could hardly look at her but when I did I saw a broken mess trying desperately to claw back some of the dignity that she used to have “I am sorry for what I have done and how I have lied” more and more she spoke… rambled as if she was trying to justify her actions to me.

As sincere and brave as her confession might have seemed all I saw was more lies spouted in an effort to protect herself and excuse the indescribable amount of pain she has caused me… a pain she is still causing me. “I have to live with what I have done” more idealistic dribble to sooth her own guilt and anguish. She seems to forget people talk and one way or another what she has said about me behind closed doors will always find its way to my ears because of peoples curiosity because clearly I was a disturbed and malicious individual to have made up all the feelings that we had for each other.

Even all those seconds she was stood in front of me apologising her words and use of language were not of sadness for the hurt she has caused me but for her own self pity trying once again to convince an audience of the purity of her heart such acts were now wasted on me I thought I knew her…. I was wrong.

Waiting for her silence I open the door and say only this “get out” I could feel myself holding back every emotion I had trying to force its way out, I felt the tears filling my eyes and the pain that resided so deep in me splitting me in two for all the time she was stood in front of me it was clear that she did not care about me only herself she had unwittingly given me more proof that she was not the person I once thought Kind, caring, compassionate, empathetic and loving no she was a selfish, spiteful, malicious individual who would use any means she saw fit to achieve her desired outcome be that words of concern, guilt, regret or even love as long as she achieved what she wanted it did not matter on her choice of weapon.

I would have loved this woman until time itself ceased to exist because I truly believed she was the one and fought so hard to prove this to her and even went as far as opening up completely which I have only ever done for her but instead of being the king that would have stood beside her queen through the game of life I was instead a pawn disposable and easy to sacrifice.

“If you only knew what it was like to wake up everyday and have no reason to get up you might understand a fraction of the pain I suffer”   

I Hate the way…

I hate the way you’ve made me feel

I hate the way you lied

I hate the way you drew me in when you looked deep into my eyes

I hate the way you made me smile and brought happiness to life

I hate the way I opened up for you to pass me by

I hate you made me laugh and think that you were mine

Now all I do is hate all the time

To hold you close and not let go used to be my dream

dreams haunt us all and we ask why

There’s nothing left for me to say except for goodbye

No hopeful words or wandering thoughts

All that’s left is pain

No Love no feelings no more to say

Just what you left to die

I hope your happy with your life so mine can carry on

But I won’t forget that once in time I thought you were the one

Heart Wrenching Words

“You think you are protected from all that can hurt you from all that can bring you down but all it takes is a few simple to bring the walls crashing down”

Enjoying the comfort of my brother “Dante” helped ease my troubled mind and provided a release from both of our own personal hells, I could still see the broken look behind his eyes just as he could see mine neither of us said a word but we knew.

Finishing our activities we descend into the local coffee shop and we are greeted by a friend of mine “Julia” sharing a smile we all sit together and begin to put the worlds to rights the turn in the conversation that approached me was unseen and nothing could have prepared me for it. As we spoke more about my place of work “Julia” mentioned about the web of lies that had been spun regarding my situation as she knew a large part of the early story, she had been speaking to a close friend of “Kains” and this is what she told me “Matt told me that she has to Kain that there was never anything between you two and she did not know where you got your ideas from and that she never cared for me in the way I described, there was nothing between us to quote her”.

I fell silent upon those words “there was nothing between us” my eyes burned as if hit with white hot fire my heart felt a searing pain that would have crippled me if I had not been sat down, the pain of these words I had heard was greater than any I had experienced so far. It seemed that I had been made out to be the one who just created a world in my own head that was not real, I created the way she felt about me because I was seemingly so twisted I needed to be loved, I had been portrayed as a psycho for the recent months that have past…

How could someone I felt so strongly for be so cruel…. So spiteful…. So Evil.

Fighting back a typhoon of raw emotion I bid “Julia” farewell and sat with “Dante” his face stunned by what he had heard and a look of sorrow filled his face. We continued to talk about various subjects and all the time I was holding back the tears.

As I write this staring out of the window watching the rain I think to myself, People are cruel and seem to enjoy the tormenting others purely for their own personal satisfaction in an attempt to lower their victims self-esteem to a level as low as theirs so they no longer feel alone.

“I loved once, now there is only a continuing hurt that keeps me awake at night”

A Moment of Sadness

“2am is the time it hits you, 2am is your deepest moment of thought 2am is when you think of everything someone meant to you and realise you still miss them”

The acceptance of pain is hard and our bodies fight it every step of the way, we look on the positive side of life’s challenges and all that we learn from them and all that they give us but sometimes but sometimes we are hit by that rush of emotion that reduces even the strongest of us to tears even if only briefly before we regain control.

Staring into the dark embrace of the night with only the whistling of the wind the rustling of the leaves and the silent sobbing that leaks from our hearts we remain silent keeping these feelings buried deep in the hope that one day they pain would reside and we would suffer torment no more.

Do we ever really let go of our memories that we hold so dear? The memories linked in song words, places, smells/scents  and more that cause us to remember a time of bliss and elation for at that time we thought we had everything. Do we let go of those same memories that make us smile but also hold a curse that pierces our hearts without warning or hesitation and brings us back to reality and the acceptance of choices made by ourselves and those who we thought we knew.

Days turn to weeks, weeks to month & months to years and life goes on….. people go on.

Looking into the eyes of our fellow man can give us the chance to see what is in their hearts but those few will have a look that says “I am strong, I can help you, I am always here” these are the same people who notice the small things, these people are the good friends who you can always depend on, there people are the ones who have been forever scared and find happiness in helping others because it gives them comfort to see others smile.

These are the people who lay away at 2am with thoughts that make them remember once they too were happy.

These are people that live in hope to find each other and be understood, to be accepted and not left asking that ominous question that resonates with pain each time it is asked “Why?”.

These are the people who for all their strength eventually succumb to their emotion at only one time 2am… are you one of those people?

Reawakening of Pain

“Help all who need it but recognise those who don’t want it”

Standing by friends who have needed support and being someone to listen and understand how they feel has been a gift granted to me only recently, it has allowed me to help many people by connecting with them and sharing their pain, fear, sorrow and uncertainty allowing them to let go saying what they really feel so that it provides clarity to their minds that panic so frantically.

The common fear is being alone I have said it before and it still remains true, compromise should be made on both sides of a relationship yet the more I look the more I see it is all one sided because inevitably one person always breaks under the pressure and fear casting off all they are just to satisfy another.

As I watch “Mia’s” torment I offer all the advice I can she has said to me “I won’t go back to the place I was in, I won’t let it happen” strong words but is her will strong enough to follow them through? I fear not because I know how much she cares for “Simon”. The biggest problem is for them to be together he wants her in a place of submission, obedience & worship replacing her will and all that makes her who she is with what would be an extension of his will. I have no malice towards him but a growing deal of concern that the more he keeps chipping away at “Mia” eventually she will begin to crack and finally lose herself.

We can help people with all our heart and bring them almost all the way out of their darkness but they have to make the final step.

I had been the consistent variable in many peoples life, I wonder if they would even notice if I was no longer there?

Spending the day alone I hear from no one, friends and family fall silent leaving me with a strange feeling that those who have said they love & care for me do so out of utility, I serve my purpose in helping them in whichever way I can soon to be cast away with the subtle winds of change. Had I been giving all my strength to others for nothing I began to wonder…  I could not say where these thoughts came from but the pieces lined up and formed a picture that I did not like, I once again was playing the fool.

As one foot passes the other I look into the river as see the leaves following its path the coming to rest on the banks leaving the river to continue on its path always consistent, always alone. Suddenly I find myself unable to move, it was as if the world had stopped and all I could do was listen to the words of a song I never knew existed, where did it come from? How did it get onto my phone? It mattered not because in my weakened state I felt each word cutting through me like a knife through warm butter, fighting to hold back a rush of emotion from the depths of the darkness which had replaced my heart this opened my eyes to more truths that I had been denying myself, I was still in a place I thought long dead, I was still….

Funny thing is a much as I try to help others it serves as a distraction from my own hurt and my own need for help, sadly I have to fight this battle alone.

“Keep your friends close because one day you will turn to them for help and you will see you’re alone when you need them most”