Small Moments

Every so often I have moments like this
They give a glimpse of it
Of that one thing
The first, bitter taste of that terrible illusion:

Hope.

Unexpected Apology

 

“In this world there does still exist good men after all”

Walking into work to see “Katie” who asked me for a friendly ear to listen to her problems I stand and listen, from what I heard it would seem that her relationship has run its course with her partner, as sad as this was she was calm and only needed to speak the words herself. Once she spoke these words it became real, I told her not to see it as the end but merely the start of a new beginning, parting with a smile I am approached by a face that once housed so much malice for me, “Kain”.

“Can I have a word with you” he asks, “certainly” I reply. We walk to a quiet corner and “kain” held out his hand to shake mine… what he said next stunned me, “I want to apologise for threatening you” taken back by his words I answered “It’s ok, I would have done the same if I was in your position” we converse more and it seemed that I had finally been vindicated from the villainous pedestal I was on.

Talking about our concern from “April” it seemed he finally realised why I acted as I did, the feeling was liberating. To see the look behind his eyes and a potential understanding of how much I once cared for “April” almost brought me to tears, out of everything that had happened all I ever wanted was for her to be happy and safe; at last it seemed that she was free of what web she was ensnared in.

This thought brought warmth to the place in which my heart used to reside, maybe now she could finally regain herself and recover what she had lost.

We part once again shaking hands, walking to the office I can feel my legs weaken. Sitting on the desk I replay the conversation again and again finding myself breathless with my head spinning, it felt like the dark storm that was following me had finally lifted and once again I could see the path back to the light.

Some of “Kain’s” words in particular lingered in my head “well in six months you two might have a small conversation and then you never know” try as I might to forget these words and the feeling they brought with them nothing seemed to work.

The feeling they brought was one I no longer wanted a feeling that would only hold me prisoner once again and re-forge the shackles I had fought so hard to shatter, I would not let myself fall again because I would not have the strength to survive the pain I have endured a second time.

“Maybe two souls destined to be together have to endure eternities of trial and strife before they have their chance at true happiness just missing that shooting star that streams across the sky that can grant their wish, maybe the next time we walk this world again we will have our chance to be truly happy and never feel lost again but until that day we must continue to walk alone stopping to look up at the stars and wait until the time is right once again.”

Echoes of the Past

“The future is the outcome of our choices in the past”

Deciding on a change of scenery I am talking with friends old & new when I hear footstep climbing the stairs, as I turn I am greeted by a face from the past “Kat” she immediately saw me and looked away, it was no more than I deserved.

My actions in the past and my choice had caused her so much pain, we did not speak a word to each other and went about our business, I caught glimpses of her briefly looking at me only to again turn away when I noticed. She did not deserve what I did to her but it was irrelevant now, what’s had been done could not be changed.

When I arrived home I thought about my choice to sleep with another woman and then leave “Kat” for this woman, even though I had told her of my discretions it did not change the fact that what I did was wrong but she was now with someone else and I prayed for her happiness.

“Kat” had spent so much time looking for “the one” all the time trying to make it happen I hoped this time she had found what she was looking for.

I began to think that people do not fall in love with each other; rather they fall in love with the idea of that person and the idea of being happy. All the time we spend looking for that someone special we forget to keep our eyes open and search blindly not really knowing what is that we want, love is strange because we cannot stop ourselves when it takes hold, our logic and reason vanish and we hope that this could be the perfect end that many are looking for.

I watch people go from relationship to relationship in an endless cycle of infatuation, comfort and finally hurt when they grow apart.

Sometimes being on your own is all you need to be happy and once you are happy with who you are then without warning or invite that special person will come into your life.

“Life is a short story, do not waste it looking for something only to turn back over the pages of your life and find them empty. Live each day and write a great novel filled with wonder and adventure.”

Weak Women & Possessive Men

 

“People only see what they want to believe”

We are living in a world of control; someone always has to be in control and have the upper hand. I have had to sit by and watch games of control happen time after time and I do not know why people will continue to live in a fated circle.

Among my friends it is often the independent young woman who succumb to a possessive man all because they tell them things they know they want to hear and throw them scraps off affection to subdue their natural instincts to approach with caution because of their need to be needed. Its sad to see it happen and the person who you knew grow weak, fragile, anxious and insecure always worrying that they are in the wrong, always worrying that they have angered their master and must seek his approval because they will not find “someone who care this much again”….

Bollocks is my answer to that statement.

If you allow yourself to become another person’s possession you are allowing yourself to have a value that they dictate to you and as a result you will lose yourself, and for what? A lifetime of convincing yourself you are happy and “he is just tired, stressed, or what every other justification you will create” My life has been filled with ill-conceived romance and I noticed one thing, If you truly care about someone you will be the reason they can handle the stress of life not the cause of their stress.

A possessive person will often take control by slowly removing parts of what makes you who you are like your social life “do you have to go out so much?”, “why don’t you stay at mine more”, “why don’t you can and work at my place” all seemingly harmless statements but all aimed at drawing you into their control so that you lose your self-confidence and feel you’re unable to live without them, even if you did so before they came into your life.

Amongst these small subversions of your own free will you will also find them sending you messages less and less, you will send two messages for one of theirs, you will always send the first and last message, finding yourself having to ask permission to live your life how you see fit and who you can see, when you may go and be social…. you will always be the one chasing and scratching at your new master’s heels from his affection, attention and love.

Is this the way you want to live your life?

The strongest people in this world are strong because of one common reason, Pain.

Each person who is that consistent pillar of strength has suffered indescribable amounts of pain and found a way to ease their suffering by helping others and being there for them when they are needed. These same people have a deepened sense of worthlessness because of that all to frightening question “why was I not enough” and this insecurity is what possessive people latch onto and use to drag you down to the depths of despair, they know that the attention and meaningless words they say to you will be enough to keep you their because of the fear of getting hurt and that one human trait that causes us to endure such a travesty… hope.

“Those who live in a false hope would rather this than face the truth, Hope is comforting, it allows us to accept fate, no matter how tragic it might be”

Lingering Memories

“When all is, when all has been we are left with only one thing, our memories”

Moonlight streaming through the darkness of the night welcomes me as my sleep is once again broken. Looking over at the window I find myself compelled to get up and just watch the stars as they fade away into the dawn much like memories out of sight for a time but always there, I must have been stood for hours with nothing but silence and the sadness of soul that resided as my companions.

Although the feelings of love had all but left so had the anger, hatred and malice only a sadness remained and try as I might to comprehend why my thoughts fell silent, it was clear I was  it ready to understand why this feeling was still manifested in my life when I had so much joy surrounding me from friends and the last of my family, All I could do was accept it and the reasons would become clear in time.

It had been almost a week since I had spent time with “Amelia” she had been becoming more open and it was clear she cared for me in a deeper way than she had admitted, the problem was as great a match as we are do each other I’m not in the right place emotionally and what I need if friends not lover’s. I felt ashamed because I can see what will happen and things won’t end well, I messaged her asking to speak, I could not play.with her feelings just because I’m not ready yet.

Various friends is mine had recently separated from.their partners and fell straight into a new relationship the underlying fear of being alone had gripped them, they had lost self worth and felt t be happy they must attach as soon as possible. I saw this happen far to often they operate and almost fall in love immediately all because someone gives them attention they never had or the comfort they sought after so desperately… it was sad to see friends who once had such vibrancy reduced to nervous wrecks clawing at any scraps they could find. 

I guess sometimes you nee to know yourself enough to say “this is infatuation not love, I need time to be alone, I need time to find myself before I look for anyone else”.