For the first time in a long time it crossed my path again. I had forgotten that I had made a copy just incase I needed one as contingency, holding it in my hand I feel nothing…
No spike anticipation
No increased pulse
No flurry of emotion
The sheer thought of reading it just one more before I burn it has crossed my mind frequently over the passing days since its return to me. To read the lies once again, to relive that fateful event to its fullest, to feel suffering again.
Why is it we feel the most when we’re suffering?
The fear of the unknown, the fear of death essentially.
This sends the electrical impulses through the brain, it stimulates are senses, it heightens our awareness of all surroundings, it becomes intoxicating, it becomes pure poison.
The truth though… I will not read it again. I will wait until the dark of night and go to a place that only I know. The place where it all began and the pace that it will all end.
How many years has it been now since that ill fateful day?
I have lost track, but I know there is one who hasn’t. I know the pains they will face upon reading anything I have written because for the most part, this was started all because of her. I wish I could cast her memory in to the pits of hell and be rid of, but that isn’t possible. While the memory will fade it will always be there, lingering in the shadows and while I can’t truly hate that memory I can choose to ignore it and build new memories upon it.
Try as I might to keep those I care for from harms way the more distant I become, because I know none of them want to here what I really want to say. The real words that sit in my heart would be met with hostility, anger, sadness and pain, emotion that those closest do not deserve to experience. Instead I shall keep these words under lock and key, removed from this existence because there is no need for me to say them.
Reading back through the endless scribe I cringe at how pathetic I sounded…
I cringe at how I became a pawn in her game
I cringe at how I was so wrong
I cringe at it all.
The flames will purge and purify my soul… Finally I will be free.