Sun Means Smiles

Everyone is smiling today. The reappearance of the sun seems to have elevated the moods of the many and removed the frowns caused by the rain and overcast skies. It’s good to see people smiling again because it helps us see that not everything in the world is bad, it also shows that a smile can hide a thousand problems and allow you to once again continue living.

This morning my path crossed with a face I’ve not seen in a very long time, but his hatred for me was still as prevalent as it ever was. His pride was so badly damaged by the fictional story he had created in his own head that there was no chance of it ever recovering, at least not from the look he gave me. The funniest part is the only version of the events that played out he cared for were those of his own creation, the truth was of no consequence.

To allow your own mind to make you bitter with events created in your own head is unfortunate, but then again it has little effect on my life so I don’t really care because the less I worry the happier I am. As selfish as it sounds you can only help people so far before you then need to let go of the handle bars and let them ride alone, unsupported, independently and alone. Nothing else springs to mind for a better analogy of life.

What is it I am supposed to feel I do wonder… Guilt, remorse or maybe even fear and desperation?

I am sure that the path my life is currently on is the one I deserve, with just the right amount of elation and despair that is fitting for my choices thus far.

Led under a silver birch that bends with the breeze all I have to do is look down to be reminded of the despair that I live with everyday. There is no cure, no magic pill or potion, there is only acceptance and the option to carry on as normal, or the option to be carved up like a helpless cadaver to remove it. The former sounds far more appealing. That is not to say I have ruled out this option entirely, more so that I have not yet succumb to that level of desperation yet…

The only place we can’t escape is the one we create in our own head.

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One Click Wonder

Just one click is all it takes these days to become famous.

That simple sharing of a post, video, GIF or blog and you become a star overnight. Long gone are the days of the self made millionaire, now is the reign of electronic epiphany.

I wonder how many struggle each day to get themselves noticed on sites such as Instagram,
You Tube, Twitter, Vine, Facebook and countless more. Their numbers must be in hundreds, thousands or millions I would guess.

The fate for many of those wanting hopefuls is only to become a star in their own universe. To be revered by their following but nothing more than a leave caught on the wind in the eyes of the world, largely unnoticed but always there in the background.

Is that so bad though?

Just think of all the people who have become a sensation, they have broken the natural law of progression and achieve their 15min of fame but just like a match their light only lasts so long. Shortly after the mob has had its fill they seek something better and more spectacular, therefore the short lived internet star is cast aside like an unwanted toy and forgotten.

True enough some hold the attention of the sheep a little longer than their predecessors, but eventually they too lose their shine and fade away in to the background.

Many of the short lived sensations try desperately to get back even a fraction of their fame, but sadly they never do. Years pass and they struggle to see why they couldn’t have made it like one of the Kardashians, or found fame like Bieber. They just can’t understand they WHY, but I do.

Would you like me to tell you what the ominous WHY is?

Ok, I will.

The reason why some will always stay in the limelight is down to one simple fact; they have as many people hate as the do adore them, this is why they sustain their fame. This is how they become immortal for lack of a better word.

It is true that there are many people in the world that are loved far more than they are hated, but those are the people who have built fame over time and hard work. The secret to the sustained internet success is hate. The fans will start the initial tsunami, but it is the haters that will continue to make waves long after the initial impact has dissipated.

So for all those who want to know, the secret to fame isn’t friends, it’s enemies.

Lost Feeling

“Flowers bloom creating beauty for all to see yet once the bloom has ended all that is left is decay”

Recent days have been filled with good times, laughter and memories. Life seemed to be moving forwards again the repercussions of past actions seemed to have ceased, many people had asked me what really happened and without a care I was happy to explain and those who wanted to know more got to read some very interesting things I had in my possession and to their shock the soon realised I was not the one in the wrong and something wasn’t right. They all asked why I had not given these items to specific people and my answer was always the same “they are not worth it” although what I meant to say was “it’s not the right time” to be able to change people opinion at a whim is a rare form of power that can become intoxicating and also corrupting it was because of this I had decided to destroy “Aprils” letter.

Reading it one last time the words meant nothing; lies in written form that is all they were. Lighting the fire and watching the flames escalate in dance of uncontrollable chaos and it was glorious, the flames died and all that was left was warm glowing embers and a memory, the only memory I chose to keep because it was from a time when I was happy and that is all I needed.

It saddened me to think of the feelings I had for her had changed so much but after a constant barrage of betrayals, games, lies and pain it was only a matter of time, I had seen her at work and noticed her looking at me I offer a friendly smile and was greeted by only a cold remorseless stare almost vacant like that of someone who was lost and could no longer be found.

Various people have asked me why I am still writing, for me the answer is simple. I choose to continue because each time I write I learn more about myself and life is about learning and the only time we stop learning is when we die.

Every day I speak to people and listen to their problems be it emotional, physical or material and each time I do it unlocks a new pathway of thinking and understanding because I now have something I never had before Empathy. People feel so alone in the world even when they talk to friends they still feel truly alone and that a sad thought because in their own world they think that they are the only person who has gone through XYZ problem so helping them to realise that’s not true just seems like the right thing to do.

One thing that I see missing in the majority of people is knowing what they want, it’s not hard to know what you want in life if you just sit down and think for a moment. Often it seems to be the material things that drive our ambitions or at least the ambitions of the ego, will all of those things make us happy? Will being wanted or needed make us happy? For a while maybe but in the long term such things are meaningless.

The best bit of advice I can give is this;

 “you don’t think you are going to be happy, you know you’re going to be happy”

Written Farewell

“Sometimes the best way tog et something out is to write it down”

After countless hours of thinking I decided to write a final letter saying goodbye, this letter would never reach her because she did not deserve to read it. She was not deserving of any feelings from me even those of hate.

April,

I wish things would have played out differently in this tragic story of ours, that I would have been the one to have pulled you from your self imposed purgatory that you spoke of but instead of accepting my help and the help of other to confront what you yourself knew was wrong you chose to stay, for what reasons I will never know, weakness? pity? guilt? or maybe you are happy being treated badly and left feeling scared to even speak to your family and friends, who knows because I no longer care.

I opened up to you in a way I had never done before offering myself to you completely, my heart was yours and no you did not decide to break my heart, you decided to tear it out completely, leaving pain & sorrow as my only company.

When I met you I saw a beautiful woman who was full of compassion, humility, love & so much more, it is clear to me now that this was all an act because the person who I thought I knew would never have acted in the way you have. Cruel does not even begin describe what you truly are, In your letter you wrote to me “you know me” but this is clearly just another one of your lies created to deceive me.

If I truly knew you then that ill fated day when everything came to a head you would have been totally honest with everyone and told them everything you had told me, perhaps what you told me was all lies, maybe you have been telling everyone else how I was the villain in all of this and I played straight into your hands by literally offering myself as a sacrifice to try and help you, maybe you crave attention and external verification that much the sheer thought of being honest with me was something you could not do because it would mean I would be able to walk away with my feelings intact, so instead you chose to string everything out as long as possible to create maximal devastation to me. 

I have read and re-read your letter countless times trying to understand your words, you write “please don’t have me, I’m  not evil or manipulative” considering the events that have transpired I beg to differ. If anything in your letter was true I would not have received a death threat from your father; I cannot blame him for his reaction because it is clear he has been told one story, I have been told another and everyone else well who knows what you have said to them.

The reason I write this to you now is because I want you to know just how much you have hurt me by your actions and cowardice, I loved you will everything I had, what did I get in return for allowing myself to become more open and let you in? Suffering was what I was given in return for loving you.

I wanted you to know this, If I am perfectly honest words cannot describe the insurmountable amount of pain I am hiding from everyone I hold dear and I want you to know you are the cause of it, loving you has all but destroyed me, somehow I’ve still not snapped and gone insane. I loved you, you were enough, you were everything I could have hoped for in life, my chance to be truly happy; The mask has fallen away and now I see what I was blinded to, the lies, the deceit and more.

You will know that when you walk past me in the streets and look behind the smile on my face the pain you caused me, its true what they say about the line between love and hate being so fine because I held on to hope for so long that there is nothing left but hate for you.

I despise you.

Farewell.

 

This letter would never see the light of day.

“inside this chest beats a heart of chaos”