An Eye For An Eye.

The soft angelic voice of hope cries.

“You’re writing is so depressing lately.”

Words spoken with nothing but truth that cannot be denied. She was right, my writing has become very lost, steeped in the darkness that clouds me every thought and there is little I can do to pull myself out of this black hole because it’s me… The problem has always been within me and my inability to accept the truth.

“You were becoming very emotional this morning.”

Spoke the strong and steady pillar of experience and logic. His concern can be seen through his eyes, but there is nothing he can do except watch and wait until the resolution of it all.

It’s easy for me to see the frustration in both their faces as they want so desperately to help me, but my internal reaction is to distance myself and be alone, not to wallow in self pity but to control my inner demons and crush them as they try to take over. So far I have done this, but it’s getting harder, the cracks are becoming more evident the longer I am forced to wait. Knowledge is a dangerous thing, especially when you know the only logical solution.

I guess the only way to help people understand is to explain to them, though it will be hard to accept because it’s not everyday you meet one of ‘those’ people who are the logical fallacy, the what if, the exception to the rule that is ahead of the curve, but it’s what I am and people can accept it or not. Admittedly I never actually thought I would ever be this person, but life has a funny way to playing out and as many say “there must be a reason.” and there is… I did this to myself.

The last few years took a heavy toll indeed and although I did not break and held on to what remained of my sanity my body broke under the immense strain of it all. Now I know what the elders mean when they say “It isn’t worth it.” because it will always cost you something in the end.

A lesson with pain is meaningless, but once you recover from that pain and heal you can take on more etna you could before, you’re stronger than you were, you’ve gained so much from that lesson but remember there is always a price too. You must always pay for your lessons one way or another. It’s the law of equivalent exchange, to create something you must lose something of equal value.

I gained unimaginable strength but it cost me my pride.

Perfect Imperfections

“To see the world and its people all they are and accept everything, to accept every situation you cannot change, yet change every situation you can and have the wisdom to know the difference.”

No one is perfect, least of all me. I have lied, cheated and stolen in this life and it has taken me years to realise what is truly important.

I burn with rage that is buried deep within; countless thoughts fill my head and leave me spinning.

Some days all I want is to destroy, maim and punish those who have tormented me but I never do, I push all the rage, anger and spite deep down into a place darker than the oceans bed. We all have a side we fear in ourselves because once we let go and succumb to its feral intentions there is no stopping it.

I have opened my heart only three times in my life, only three times have I truly opened my heart.

Each time I was hurt, the first was a young love, impetuous and immature a love that was never destined to be true. The second was a love of lust, a woman who was already with another and yet said all that I wanted to hear only to leave both him and me for another. The third was a love that caused unbelievable hurt, to believe you have found the one, to believe you have it all, only to be but a piece in a game soon to be discarded.

Each day I feel I move forwards, leaving all the pain and memories in the shadows where they belong… “I wish it was that easy” I was asked why I still mention the third, in speech and writing, the reason? I want to understand the reasons why, to know what was real and what was fake.

Answers I will never have, each day it gets easier and I know one day I will forget, one day I will find someone else to love, someone who will love me in return.

You may ask about others I have written about, what about them? They will always play apart in my life, they all have choices to make and those who confessed feeling for me did not know how to say this one simple truth that shadows us all “they are in love with the idea of me, not me” this is why people settle for an idea and ideal situation that will provide more positives than negatives, even if the happiness is not quite as much as they desire.

I speak of losing my faith, I have lost my faith not in people but in my own ability to let them in and trust them.

I trusted too much in the past, I always give people trust until it is broken. Even if I trust them I do not trust myself to give them everything I have, because I have been hurt in the past. People are filled with good intentions at the start of any venture, yet in the end eventually these intentions fade and they look for something more, in the end I am not enough. Not yet.

One day I will find someone who is enough and to her I will also be enough, when this happens I believe my faith will be restored.

“I am as I have always been and will always be, filled with perfect imperfections”