Taste

Once you have the taste, you only want more,
Its lust is insatiable,
Once you have the taste, you will rot to the core,
Its lust is all consuming,
Once you have the taste, you will hurt those you adore,
Its lust is destructive,
Once you have the taste, you will feel like never before,
Its lust is beautiful,
Once you have the taste, you will only want more.

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Staring at the Stars

This blog is filled with emotion. I can’t write without emotion. It shows how unstable I really am, and behind all of the strength I claim to have I am nothing more than a mere human. A person who feels, who cares, who hurts.

I sit and stare at the stars often. I’m always wondering who else is looking up at them too.

What are they thinking?
Are they alone?
Are they like me?
Is that person watching them also…

Looking at the stars provides no answers, it only gives me more questions.

There are times I want to break down and just let go of the restraint I have, and let go of all control. I want to act with only instinct but I fear this would be catastrophic.

The hole never becomes whole, it only fills the gaps it can.

A Lonely Look

A girl surrounded by sadness, her eyes hold a deep inner sorrow and a feeling of unworthiness.

She smiles with held back tears, confusion is set in her mind, and yet all she really wants is to be understood.

All some people want is to talk where others just want someone there, even if they sit in silence just having a fellow soul to share their pain with is enough.

The look this girl had took me back, I wanted to ask what was wrong yet I knew I would not get a coherent answer, it must be very lonely for her being surrounded by people who cannot see she is crying out for help.

How is it everywhere I look I can see struggles behind the masks many wear and yet others cannot? Am I seeing a cast reflection of myself or perhaps it is because when I was in that place I wanted the same thing….

Understanding.

I shall take a step back and offer a hand that can be taken if she wants, I shall not unlock her emotions as I have done with people in the past. This time I shall wait.

An Acquired Taste

“Something so simple can take you away from your problems for a brief moment… but can you accept the repercussions?”

A crowded room filled with people drinking, dancing and people being social simply forgetting their problems and enjoying the release granted to them by alcohol is all to common.

Watching close friends resort to this course of action was reminiscent of what I had been through my ordeal in the past, I had noticed myself start slipping into a habit of a “social drink” each and every week and acquiring the taste for the elation that alcohol granted, after seeing people fall into a vicious circle that leads down a dangerous path.

Reading back through my writings I saw something, a change in my very person along with a distinct scar that has been left on my emotions and as a result I knew what it was I wanted…. to trust someone.

Trust is so easily broken and never truly regained but to take the risk to open up that much exposes your very essence, with all the people I had opened up to there is still no one I would entrust with everything yet it seems people can easily trust me in this way. When I think why the answer is simple “I listen” true what I tell people is not what they want to hear but at least it’s the truth and perhaps this is why they trust me because I am not afraid to hurt their feelings for the right reasons.

Being able to tell people what they need to hear and not what they want to hear is why I now realise so many turn to drink, they don’t turn for a release but an underlying reason “alcohol makes you tell the truth” so many time people say they have a fight she they are drunk and it would seem it is all because the lose the fear of being honest and let it all out.

It’s a sad world that we resort to this course of action.

There are three kinds of people in the world who will tell you the absolute truth Childern, anyone who is extremely angry or a drunk person. After something is said people will soon reply with “oh I didn’t mean it” wrong you knew what you were saying otherwise you would not say it. Emotion causes us to recoil it seems people are ruled by fear of the truth.

Reawakening of Pain

“Help all who need it but recognise those who don’t want it”

Standing by friends who have needed support and being someone to listen and understand how they feel has been a gift granted to me only recently, it has allowed me to help many people by connecting with them and sharing their pain, fear, sorrow and uncertainty allowing them to let go saying what they really feel so that it provides clarity to their minds that panic so frantically.

The common fear is being alone I have said it before and it still remains true, compromise should be made on both sides of a relationship yet the more I look the more I see it is all one sided because inevitably one person always breaks under the pressure and fear casting off all they are just to satisfy another.

As I watch “Mia’s” torment I offer all the advice I can she has said to me “I won’t go back to the place I was in, I won’t let it happen” strong words but is her will strong enough to follow them through? I fear not because I know how much she cares for “Simon”. The biggest problem is for them to be together he wants her in a place of submission, obedience & worship replacing her will and all that makes her who she is with what would be an extension of his will. I have no malice towards him but a growing deal of concern that the more he keeps chipping away at “Mia” eventually she will begin to crack and finally lose herself.

We can help people with all our heart and bring them almost all the way out of their darkness but they have to make the final step.

I had been the consistent variable in many peoples life, I wonder if they would even notice if I was no longer there?

Spending the day alone I hear from no one, friends and family fall silent leaving me with a strange feeling that those who have said they love & care for me do so out of utility, I serve my purpose in helping them in whichever way I can soon to be cast away with the subtle winds of change. Had I been giving all my strength to others for nothing I began to wonder…  I could not say where these thoughts came from but the pieces lined up and formed a picture that I did not like, I once again was playing the fool.

As one foot passes the other I look into the river as see the leaves following its path the coming to rest on the banks leaving the river to continue on its path always consistent, always alone. Suddenly I find myself unable to move, it was as if the world had stopped and all I could do was listen to the words of a song I never knew existed, where did it come from? How did it get onto my phone? It mattered not because in my weakened state I felt each word cutting through me like a knife through warm butter, fighting to hold back a rush of emotion from the depths of the darkness which had replaced my heart this opened my eyes to more truths that I had been denying myself, I was still in a place I thought long dead, I was still….

Funny thing is a much as I try to help others it serves as a distraction from my own hurt and my own need for help, sadly I have to fight this battle alone.

“Keep your friends close because one day you will turn to them for help and you will see you’re alone when you need them most”