Selflessly Selfish

We may not try to be selfish, it’s just an unavoidable part of the human condition. While a great many people will disagree with me it’s the truth, not just from my perspective either. It’s just the truth.

Think about it for a second. Why do we, humans, do anything if not to earn validation or appease ourselves in some way? Even having children is done because it’s something we WANT. True you will protect your child at any const and do for them what every you can, perhaps that is the one selfless act… or  maybe we do it because we want to look back when we are on our death bed and think “I did that for them, I gave them everything. I was a good parent.” So is devoting our life to another really selfless when considered from a different perspective?

I believe we don’t need a reason to help people, I always have. Yet there is a subtle sense of irony in that because helping others makes us feel better.

What has prompted this train of thought? A friend wanted to do something for another friend, yet all of their actions are based on what they themselves want and not what the other person does. While the intention is good, it screams a deep sense of internal instability and that insatiable need to seek approval. Well, in my eyes anyway.

We all want something and we will always give to get it, consciously or not.

Lower

The sun is out, the skies are clear and the temperature is rising, it’s such a beautiful day. It’s just a shame that when I woke up this morning for me it was nothing more than another unpredictably low day.

My moods undulate on a constant basis, it’s becoming quite draining. Maybe I feel this way today because I have nothing to distract my mind from the inevitable wandering, thus I can overthink and sink to new lows. I hate this feeling.

Looking around I see lots of faces meandering along and I can’t help but think to myself ‘what is the point?’ why struggle against the tide, or at least pretend too. I can see their auras, each one of them a uniform yellow, they are all happy but for what reason?

Oh how I envy them so.

I am in a very sad and destructive mood today. I think it best I simply start walking and see where my feet take me.

Control…

Self awareness is not always present in people, it’s one of those skills that takes time to learn and often comes with the wisdom of maturity, but when we are self aware what we see isn’t always what we want to believe.

I am sure that from my writings that one of my largest character traits if the fact that I like to be in control, not only of my own life but also of everything around me. I have a nasty trait that takes great offence when people won’t do what I want, though the reasons I have are not selfish, they are for the benefit of said person.

Controlling others with good intentions might seem like a large contradiction in itself, but it’s the only way I can explain who I feel. For the most part I see where people will go wrong and want so desperately for them to avoid the impending disaster, but I can’t always avert people from their choices. Using influence, persuasion and empathy to my advantage in an attempt to get my desired outcome could be called manipulative, but I would accept that label if it meant I could help someone.

Having a firm grasp on the helm is a safety barrier, it not only allows me to help but also keep myself as safe as possible while taking what I consider a risk. It can be forgotten that to have influence on people and their thoughts you have to allow them in to your own mind, luckily for me very few ever realise the impact they could have on me, nor the intellect to take action.

This is the extent of my self awareness so far, there is more to learn, more to reveal and accept because being able to accept every part of your soul can be a frightening thing indeed. To be honest and to not lie to ones self, these mental realisations take a great deal of strength and the ability to relinquish the ego, the ego that fights to protect our self professed image that we would have people believe is the truth.

To my friends, I will surround you and protect with everything I have to give and do so until I can no longer move, but to those who do not sit on this side of the wall, you should heed my words:

I slither across the floor
My tongue forks and searches for my prey
With skin and blood cold to the touch
Eyes darker than night
Be aware or I will strike
For I am a snake.

Undulating Disgust

Undulating moods, broken thoughts and no coherence, this is what I suffer on a daily basis and it is getting unbearable. To not know if you will wake up to the warm rays of the sun or the bitter chill of the frost is no way to live, it drains ones patiences but it is unrelenting in its pursuit of control.

The physical alignments and disfigurements I see are magnified in my eyes. Those closes to me try hard to convince me that nothing is wrong, but I know they can see them too, even if they won’t openly admit it I can see the unconscious looks and movements to touch what makes me flinch.

My mental instability has gotten to the point of physical discomfort. I can’t be touched in certain ways without feeling sick and recoiling as if I was about to be struck.

On top of the mounting pressures of maintaining a poker face my external commitments are mounting up, they demand I do things there way, even though the methods are outdated and redundant. Anxiety has truly set in for the coming tasks…

The spotlight is nothing I have every shied away from, but with all the uncontrollable emotions spinning through my head it will be like playing Russian Roulette. I will either hold it together as I always have to break through, or I will be swallowed by the madness.

The Unruly Child:

It screams could shatter glass is there was any left to shatter, yet the parent does nothing to prevent it’s terror spreading throughout the shop.

I do detest children such as this.

The worst part is that there’s more than one, 7 in fact, all to the same mother… I wonder if they re all from the same father. Probably not, but I could be wrong, but it’s doubtful.

As I listen in to the conversation she is boasting about how much she gets on benefits and how everything is paid for. The part that made my blood boil exceptionally was when she announced that she was being moved to a 6 bedroom house in what can only be described as an affluent area. This is something some of the hardest working people will never achieve in their lifetimes and yet she has been given this gift for nothing of any consequence, it’s all because she has lots of kids and is too morbidly obese to work.

It disgusts me.

Early Bird

As the world sleeps I am awake, finding peace in solitude and comfort in the silence. The early hours of the night welcome me with open arms, like a mother reaching out for her child.

Finally, I feel like I belong once more.

Half of my day has already passed, my work is almost done, all I have left is to put pen to paper or rather fingers to keys and write these simple 400 words.

It’s getting easier.

Perched in a familiar coffee shop I am still largely unknown, the men and woman who reside here in the early hours of the morning are those of high business class, or at least that is what they would have you believe. However their desperate attempt to jumpstart their bodies as what I can only assume was night of broken sleep shows me differently.

Among the zombies dragging their heels there are a few who are awake and walking powerfully with purpose. Each one of these rare people notices me watching the flock, they give a polite nod as a gesture of their appreciation for a fellow person welcomed by the abyss.

There is a focus in their eyes, a determination in their spiritual presence and an unrelenting desire to achieve.

Presumptuous it might be for me to assume all of that from nothing more than a simple pacing glance, but I know enough to trust my gut and it never steers me wrong in such things. That is why I have decided to follow my instincts once more, to cast aside the voices of the others in my head and make each step because I choose to, not because I’m told.

I had become mired in the mud, but now I have pulled myself out.

Time alone, time to plan, time to create, time to grow. I never realised how much I enjoy being a shadow, a nameless face that smiles because he can, not because he should. It’s so easy to get caught up in everything that we start to get dragged down. I have a long way to go, there are still issues that need to be resolved but I will tackle them head on as I always have.

The colour grey still resonates around me, the cloud has not lifted but at least it has broken enough so that I can see the radiant blue sky that await on the other side.

This is another part of my journey, no doubt one of many more to come.

Will you join me through writing and verse?

400 Words Getting Harder

You wold think that writing only 400 words a day would be easy, well I can assure you that you would be wrong. Half of the things you want to put down make absolutely no sense, they are just jumbled words and incomplete sentences, that is if you know how to write a sentence that is.

As I’m sure you can tell by the way I write, I have no grasp on the english language. I literally wing everything, but I guess it doesn’t really matter in the end.

I have found my life currently has become calm. There is no trouble, no hardship, no challenge, there is nothing to hold my attention anymore. the only slight obstacle I face is potential health issues, no doubt passed down lovingly through my families lineage, but apart from that the case of my depression is self induced because I’m bored.

Yep, bored.

What a selfish thing to say huh.

Don’t get me wrong, I am fully aware the world owes me no favours, after all, I haven’t cured cancer or won a Nobel Prize but surely there has to be more than just monotonous routine, doesn’t there?

You will have a great many people who say ‘life is what you make it’ and while I agree with this, they miss out one key piece of the puzzle when they make that statement. They forget to tell you that you have to WANT to make something out of life, you need to have an inner desire to become better and grow because without those little gems you will never really do anything.

I was on a course today, surrounded by a group of people with higher than average opinions of themselves, I lost interest in their academic masterbation quickly. As time slowly passed I occasionally listened as the stroked each others egos, none were willing to criticise for the fear of being outcast from the group, well, except for me that was.

It wasn’t long before I could feel them reaching for their pitchforks and burning torches ready to chase me out of the building like Frankensteins Monster. I did enjoy the anarchy for a brief moment.

I guess through all of this I have learnt a great deal about people who get trapped in the maze. No matter how far they run, what doors they open it doesn’t make a difference because they only ever end up going back on themselves. I can see why people struggle.

If I can’t get myself out of the labyrinth at least I can lend a hand to those who are also lost in it too.

Mind & Body

For all those with body confidence issues, I understand your pain.

The frustration of looking in the mirror and never being happy with what you see. In fact, I suspect most of you are disgusted, repulsed and deeply sad by the reflection because no matter how hard you try, nothing seems to change .

I suffer the same problem.

Body dysmorphia is too common in the modern world. Its affect are wide spread and its victims many.

I just want you to know that you’re not alone, lots of us exist and I also want to tell you that it is possible to become comfortable in your own skin. Granted it might takes years, maybe even decades, but it will happen.

For You…

As the water poured down my back, time seemed to stop and I found myself thinking. Thinking about everything that’s happened over the past few years and the chronicles contained in this blog.

I also thought about all the people who have read what’s been written, along with all those kind enough to like, comment and even share some of the simple musings.

To all and everyone else still reading what gets left here, I just wanted to say one thing…

Thank You.

I am not the greatest writer, nor will I ever be, but if I can but reach even a few people it’s enough.