Failing Rage

Blood boils
Teeth grid
Fists clench
I lose my mind

The wall is my enemy
My hand does collide
Bones and plaster break
My rage subsides

Black and red
The colour of my hand
Broken
Punishment. Punishment for my failure I did demand.

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One and Nothing

The days merge in to one is it Monday, Thursday… Perhaps a Sunday?

Living and existing are two very different things by definition. As I live in this now merged world I ponder many thoughts about what actually matters and what doesn’t, but I always end up coming to the same conclusion – Nothing matters unless we choose so.

Is this the deeper meaning of meanings?

After all, if we choose not to care about something would it still matter in the grand scheme of things? I guess depending on what you consider to have true value that answer is no.

To have control of your mind, nay, your emotional mind is what can make the difference between strength and weakness, love and hate, fear and courage, maybe, just maybe this is what is missing from it all.

Control over what nothing else can control, unless you choose it too. Is that the real meaning of it all…

Control

We worry so much about all the ‘things’ we can’t control.

The trains, the planes, the people and even the world…

Perhaps we are looking at this things called life all wrong, maybe, just maybe we should be looking not for control, but for those magical moments that happen because we are out of control?

We only have a short time on this earth. Many fill it with worry and doubt, thoughts of “How will I cope?” or “What will I do?”. When you reach the end of your story do you want to look back and see nothing but worry and a life filled with caution, or would you want to see a life full of risk, chance and all the rewards that come with that lack of control you so fear?

I know what I would prefer.

Do you?

Living dreams.

I was asleep, and fully awake.

I have had the ability to control my dreams for many years, all it takes is a simple tell, a small inconsistency and that’s it, I know I’m dreaming.

The mental fatigue I suffer the next day is a small price to pay for the freedom of a living dream.

Over the years I’ve mastered my control of scenes, setting and even what people are in my dreams. My most favoured skill is the ability to fly, with it I travel the world and feel truly free.

Flying feels pretty good.

Mirror Mirror

“When you look in the mirror what do you see?”  

Attending yet another wedding I once again find myself amongst people that have made a choice and taken a certain road in their journey of life, it was surprising to me how many couple had one who was blissfully happy unaware of the others emotions of uncertainty. Its all in the look these couple give each other one of pure devotion the other of reluctance, speaking with one young couple they had been married for just one year, together the happy façade was maintained for the purpose of an audience I had the opportunity to speak to the young wife alone as her husband went to the bar.

“are you ok?” I asked a brief pause followed by the words “I’m fine, why do you ask” was her answer being curious to her hesitation even though only brief I decided to delve a little deeper “you just have a very serious look, almost as if you are in deep thought” “Mary” looked at me with shock unable to answer, mere seconds passed and she began to open up “I am happy I just want to say that but it seems like my life has just been a blur recently, I feel as if I have no control lately” it seems I had asked the right question.

After talking more with “Mary” I found that she wanted to travel the world and learn of the joys different cultures had to offer but her partner wanted to stay and settle within the next few years. “Mary” went on to say she didn’t know how to talk to “Rob” her husband, I found it hard to understand that you could marry someone and not feel comfortable to open up to them and trust them fully, common as whirlwind romance is in our modern times it seems we miss learning about the small things that really matter.

Eventually “Rob” returned with the drinks he had set out to get half an hour ago, I stood to go and join my other friends on the dance floor leaving the couple to their own company. I felt sorry for “Mary” it seemed she was living a life she was unhappy in yet the funny thing is she had a choice to be in that position or to live life how she wanted it, it seems people need for companionship and fear of being alone holds people back from living a life the desire… constantly justifying their reasons for their choices and convincing not only people but themselves they are happy, but that is their choice so who am I too judge.

The night ended on a high with great music and various amount of drunken dancing, after leaving and arriving home I began to think more and more about how fragile human emotions really are, people are happy to procrastinate and avoid the root of their problems seemingly unwilling to tackle them unless the have another partner ready to fall back on because of their insecurities.

No one want to be alone, it is human nature to live in groups, it is human nature to seek attention and social interaction yet people will deny themselves these basic instincts for a single person out of moral obligations and excuses such as “when we are together its good” incorrect when your partner gets their own way its good “I’m just working myself up, I’m being stupid” really? you were not like this before you so what has changed?

Fear of being unwanted pushes people into relationships they do not want or need, it only satisfies them for  mere months before they feel controlled, lost and alone, unable to talk to anyone without permission from their self appointed master.. So many of my close friends speak of the same problems yet none are willing to do anything about it, they all claim to be helpless but here is the truth…

People are not born helpless, people learn helplessness and in doing so allow themselves to depend on another, bit by bit relinquishing  control over their own lives until its too late and the free will that they once possessed is all but gone. All of this for what? the search for what society calls the perfect life? for what you think should be the perfect life?

Do you stand looking at yourself in the mirror asking that one question “I used to be…” thinking about everything you have missed, the chances you could have taken and the life you could have lead of things had been different.

“We make our own life, no one else has the power to control our life unless we let them. Live the life you want not the life you think others want you to live. Life is not meant to be perfect, life is meant to be lived so that when you look back at the end of your days you can do so with joy for the life you lived not regret for the life you missed”