Dilly Dally

The choice you refuse to make will be made for you
Every time
Abstinence doesn’t mean freedom any more than closing your eyes to the rain

One and Nothing

The days merge in to one is it Monday, Thursday… Perhaps a Sunday?

Living and existing are two very different things by definition. As I live in this now merged world I ponder many thoughts about what actually matters and what doesn’t, but I always end up coming to the same conclusion – Nothing matters unless we choose so.

Is this the deeper meaning of meanings?

After all, if we choose not to care about something would it still matter in the grand scheme of things? I guess depending on what you consider to have true value that answer is no.

To have control of your mind, nay, your emotional mind is what can make the difference between strength and weakness, love and hate, fear and courage, maybe, just maybe this is what is missing from it all.

Control over what nothing else can control, unless you choose it too. Is that the real meaning of it all…

Coins…

Often we found ourselves under the burden of choice. Why is it all of our experience accounts for nothing when faced with a question we have been asked so many times before?

The simple answer: We want it all.

Do we delve into the rabbit hole and see how far we fall, or should we climb the vines to heights above the clouds?

After waiting so long, being unknowing of a persons emotions and unsure of their desires, to finally have them revealed was a welcome surprise, yet, it only adds to the complication.
The longer we wait the more we drift, each step we take closer down new avenues the further away from we move from our old destinations.

To have feelings for a person and yet feel hurt by their indicative nature is tormenting, to not know truly where you stand or how much longer you will have to wait before you’re allowed to understand that person further is maddening.
On the reverse of that coin is by and large their polar opposite, the antitheses of all they are. Fear seems to be nothing but an illusion, they act on impulse and raw emotion, like a volatile cocktail they’re ready to explode in to what could be passion beyond belief.

One will be something more, the other a mere memory in the vast expanse of time.

The question is which is which?

Maybe the only answer is to simply flip a coin and leave everything totally up to chance…

Mirror Mirror

“When you look in the mirror what do you see?”  

Attending yet another wedding I once again find myself amongst people that have made a choice and taken a certain road in their journey of life, it was surprising to me how many couple had one who was blissfully happy unaware of the others emotions of uncertainty. Its all in the look these couple give each other one of pure devotion the other of reluctance, speaking with one young couple they had been married for just one year, together the happy façade was maintained for the purpose of an audience I had the opportunity to speak to the young wife alone as her husband went to the bar.

“are you ok?” I asked a brief pause followed by the words “I’m fine, why do you ask” was her answer being curious to her hesitation even though only brief I decided to delve a little deeper “you just have a very serious look, almost as if you are in deep thought” “Mary” looked at me with shock unable to answer, mere seconds passed and she began to open up “I am happy I just want to say that but it seems like my life has just been a blur recently, I feel as if I have no control lately” it seems I had asked the right question.

After talking more with “Mary” I found that she wanted to travel the world and learn of the joys different cultures had to offer but her partner wanted to stay and settle within the next few years. “Mary” went on to say she didn’t know how to talk to “Rob” her husband, I found it hard to understand that you could marry someone and not feel comfortable to open up to them and trust them fully, common as whirlwind romance is in our modern times it seems we miss learning about the small things that really matter.

Eventually “Rob” returned with the drinks he had set out to get half an hour ago, I stood to go and join my other friends on the dance floor leaving the couple to their own company. I felt sorry for “Mary” it seemed she was living a life she was unhappy in yet the funny thing is she had a choice to be in that position or to live life how she wanted it, it seems people need for companionship and fear of being alone holds people back from living a life the desire… constantly justifying their reasons for their choices and convincing not only people but themselves they are happy, but that is their choice so who am I too judge.

The night ended on a high with great music and various amount of drunken dancing, after leaving and arriving home I began to think more and more about how fragile human emotions really are, people are happy to procrastinate and avoid the root of their problems seemingly unwilling to tackle them unless the have another partner ready to fall back on because of their insecurities.

No one want to be alone, it is human nature to live in groups, it is human nature to seek attention and social interaction yet people will deny themselves these basic instincts for a single person out of moral obligations and excuses such as “when we are together its good” incorrect when your partner gets their own way its good “I’m just working myself up, I’m being stupid” really? you were not like this before you so what has changed?

Fear of being unwanted pushes people into relationships they do not want or need, it only satisfies them for  mere months before they feel controlled, lost and alone, unable to talk to anyone without permission from their self appointed master.. So many of my close friends speak of the same problems yet none are willing to do anything about it, they all claim to be helpless but here is the truth…

People are not born helpless, people learn helplessness and in doing so allow themselves to depend on another, bit by bit relinquishing  control over their own lives until its too late and the free will that they once possessed is all but gone. All of this for what? the search for what society calls the perfect life? for what you think should be the perfect life?

Do you stand looking at yourself in the mirror asking that one question “I used to be…” thinking about everything you have missed, the chances you could have taken and the life you could have lead of things had been different.

“We make our own life, no one else has the power to control our life unless we let them. Live the life you want not the life you think others want you to live. Life is not meant to be perfect, life is meant to be lived so that when you look back at the end of your days you can do so with joy for the life you lived not regret for the life you missed”