Same Old Same Old

The surroundings are different, the people are the same.

Young woman enviously looking at ‘young mums’ wishing they had a child of their own. The question I would ask though is do they want a child because they are excited at the thought of being a parent or is it  because of social pressure? Perhaps they simply want something to love them unconditionally, something that will always need them and depend on them even in to its adult days, or maybe I’m just being cynical.

I can only judge based on my experiences and they all lead to mentally unstable people wanting something they can call their own. Wanting a sense of propriety and purpose because without theca child they have nothing.

Over the years I’ve watch many people greedily have children, after all there is no true selfless acts in the world.

On the other side of that coin I see the elderly who have had their children and watched them grow and have babies of their own. I can see the look in their eyes as they reminisce the good times and all their  memories come flooding back from times when they themselves were new to the world of parenting. Their stories aren’t all sunshine and rainbows though. I’ve taken he time to speak to elderly couples and elderly people on many an occasion, they’ve all said the same things all be it in different ways. None have any regrets about having their kids, but none of them would choose to have them if they have their life a second time over… Such statements speak volumes to me.

To me when people say they wouldn’t choose to have children again if they had their time again says that while they have lots of happy memories they lost something far more important in the trade. Maybe this is why our parents and grandparents will always say “Travel while you’re young, don’t waste your life.” they know what it means to sacrifice what they could have.

As we grow up we literally have nothing stopping us doing anything, but we choose to but up barriers. We choose to make excuses and find reasons why not to do something. I see children in the same light.

If i ask someone why they want children there is never a definitive answer, maybe the don’t but feel they should. After all, isn’t that our very purpose on this earth to reproduce and ensure the survival of our race?

Who really knows any more.

The surroundings are different, the people the same. All with forgotten dreams and a life that they settled for.

Advertisements

Undulating Disgust

Undulating moods, broken thoughts and no coherence, this is what I suffer on a daily basis and it is getting unbearable. To not know if you will wake up to the warm rays of the sun or the bitter chill of the frost is no way to live, it drains ones patiences but it is unrelenting in its pursuit of control.

The physical alignments and disfigurements I see are magnified in my eyes. Those closes to me try hard to convince me that nothing is wrong, but I know they can see them too, even if they won’t openly admit it I can see the unconscious looks and movements to touch what makes me flinch.

My mental instability has gotten to the point of physical discomfort. I can’t be touched in certain ways without feeling sick and recoiling as if I was about to be struck.

On top of the mounting pressures of maintaining a poker face my external commitments are mounting up, they demand I do things there way, even though the methods are outdated and redundant. Anxiety has truly set in for the coming tasks…

The spotlight is nothing I have every shied away from, but with all the uncontrollable emotions spinning through my head it will be like playing Russian Roulette. I will either hold it together as I always have to break through, or I will be swallowed by the madness.

The Unruly Child:

It screams could shatter glass is there was any left to shatter, yet the parent does nothing to prevent it’s terror spreading throughout the shop.

I do detest children such as this.

The worst part is that there’s more than one, 7 in fact, all to the same mother… I wonder if they re all from the same father. Probably not, but I could be wrong, but it’s doubtful.

As I listen in to the conversation she is boasting about how much she gets on benefits and how everything is paid for. The part that made my blood boil exceptionally was when she announced that she was being moved to a 6 bedroom house in what can only be described as an affluent area. This is something some of the hardest working people will never achieve in their lifetimes and yet she has been given this gift for nothing of any consequence, it’s all because she has lots of kids and is too morbidly obese to work.

It disgusts me.

Gratifying

It was somewhat gratifying to receive silence as a response when they didn’t get their own way.

What once started out as friendship has turned very bitter, but the funny part is there was no need for things to go this way, as a result I now have no sense of loyalty to them and feel no need to extend them any curtsy.

I know there will be more onslaught in the future days to come, but trying to upset my balance will only serve to fortify it.

Considering I have nothing to lose, I have no limits to hold me back.

Freedom came at a steep price, a long time ago.

Opened Eyes

People fear that which they do not understand, that fear turns to anger and that anger turns to hatred, leaving the world filled with a prejudice that is not understood yet accepted because the alternative is to hard for simple minds to comprehend.

What is the alternative? Acceptance.

We grow up with prejudice thrust on top of us, if we do not conform we will also suffer the same fate and be cast aside like a broken toy.

This morning I saw two acts one of benevolence and the other was so malevolent it made me burn with rage.

A young man was with his daughter who suffered an affliction leaving her debilitated, and unfortunately not long for this world. His eyes held a look of love for his daughter that I have not seen before, so pure and unwavering as if he would sacrifice anything for her, such emotion is rare in this age. We began speaking and he told his story and his views before he had his child, he was frightened and unsure of how he would cope, it would mean giving up his life for this little girl.

He explained when the choice came he made it without hesitation for this very reason.

“No matter what life has been given to you good, bad or indifferent, it is life and it is precious. Everyone deserves the chance for the best life they can have, if I can make this a reality for my daughter then I will because making her as happy as she can be will be the most rewarding and perfect life for me that I could everever ask for. If I can do this for her with the time she has left then I have no regrets, no matter the sacrifice.”

This moved me to the point of tears, such a selfless act was rare and warmed my heart, what followed took me to the very edge of my control.

What can only be described as a vile creature of a man walked past with his equally devolved partner glaring at the pair because the man’s daughter was becoming restless uttering words so cruel and spiteful I cannot bring myself to repeat them. I felt an anger overcome me and I burned with rage leaving my table I was on the verge of losing control, I felt a gentle touch on my arm and as I turned the man said toto me, “let it go, they are not worth the effort and if you drop to their level they have already won.”.

His words calmed me enough to let the walk away, he truly did not care what people said Because in the end it didn’t matter. Shortly after he left with his daughter, It’s fair to say that seeing all of this has opened my eyes to just how narrow minded we really are and if one day we can all have a ounce of the humility that this made had the world would be a much better place.