Fallen From Grace

I bumped in to an old friend today, while the experience was pleasant I could see there were a lot of troubles swirling in the depths of her eyes. She had fallen from the pedestal she once pitched proudly on and was now nothing more than a common gutter snipe… It was a shame to see.

As we reminisce the days of old I encourage her to open up and explain what path her life is now on, she reluctantly begins to open the gates and lower her defences, not long after this the tears began to fill her eyes and she let it all out. Sharing each and every story of misfortune in great detail I learned that she hadn’t broken free from the desolate past she once had, in fact she had now become consumed by it.

Now this is not the first time I have seen a person succumb to the overpowering despair of drugs, but it was one of the saddest. To watch someone who had it all, to be secure and somewhat comfortable lose it all and be rendered a smoking husk of her former self made me question the path I currently tread and how it’s a very dangerous road. While not drug induced, it’s still not a good road to follow.

Parting company I take a stroll along the river by the cathedral.

With nowhere to be and time to spare I find a grassy bank and plonk myself down by the river. As I watch the leaves, twigs and debris flowing along I am reminded that we are all rivers (metaphorically speaking) and our flow will always lead to one place in the end. Nothing can stop it from happening, but plenty of things can change it or even make it come to a halt for a period of time.

There was a family of ducks quietly swimming without a care in the world, surrounded by their natural habitat. I do envy these simple creatures, free of the burden of higher thought and able to live according to their instincts and nothing else.

For all our triumphs, creations, wealth and knowledge Humans are set to be the sentient beings on the planet for decades to come, but we are far from the happiest… That honour is reserved for the animals who we took this world from, yet they’re not bitter, jealous or greedy, they take only what they need to survive and eventually give it back when they depart.

I guess the secret to being happy is to accept it all.

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People of Irony

These people… You know them.

We all know them.

One day the world will be at their mercy, cowering because of their rise; or so they would have you think.

They scorn without hesitation and then persist to be overcome by guilt when the opportunity they sought has passed, for them to become the martyr and not the tyrant. Soon after the passing of the tides they wish all that was said could be taken back, all the injustice could be wiped away and everything that’s now seen can be banished form existence.

I loath such people.

After the veils fall away you can see them, the moment is only brief but once you have seen you can never un-see. You will always know.

I say to those people make peace with yourself and let go of your guilt, it’s not worth holding on too, it will only destroy you from the inside out… slowly but surely, everyday and forever.

The most ironic part of it all is I too am one of those people.

What Lay Beneath.

Though I am not the strongest, fastest, smartest, most selfless or benevolent, I am honest to a fault and it causes me no end of troubles.

Honesty have never been the best policy. Who really wants the truth when it’s far easier to believe a convenient lie?

No one.

I was sat listening to a conversation today between two feminists. While both had fiery passion in their voices, the conversation was one of discrimination and prejudice, I fond the irony quite amusing.

It struck me that people want you to believe they’re as pure as freshly laid snow, but they forget that although the snow may portray a perfect image, it is what lies beneath that provides the substance and support of that image. Thus, the image can only be supported for so long before it melts away and we are able to see the truth.

Having an opinion is not wrong, nor is having a different opinion for that of your acquaintances, friends and even family. This is what gives us our individuality, our character, both good and bad. So why do so many try to hide what they are?

Fear is the only answer I can find, but perhaps I can’t see past the history of my life for anything else.

I believe we all live in fear to some form or lesser degree.

The fear of failure
The fear of achievement
The fear of persecution
The fear of loss
The fear of judgement
The fear of letting those in need down
The fear of not being what we pretend to be…

When the world around us is in flames and the black ash covers the ground for miles to see, this is when we will truly know what scares us. Will we fear the raging inferno and the life it will take from us, or do we fear surviving the blaze and having nothing to live for.

Death or Life.

Which will you fear?

Butterflies Wings

Trust is like a butterflies wings, Beautifuly strong yet fragile, Easily damaged and even easier to break. A butterfly cannot survive without its wings just as people without trust.

Some seem surprised at my ability to simply cut off those closest to me.

How can you do that?” Is the question asked by many, the answer is simple. Experience. We all have ethics, principles and beliefs yet when something conflicts with one of these it has the potential to escalate into something much worse… something that I do not wish people to see.

A deep underlying flaw in my character that stems from troubled times, times of violence.

In times past I was not above seeking out the cause of the problem and eliminating it by any means, be those verbal or physical. Anything that threatened that which I held dear would be reduced to ashes in the wake of my anger. For many years I struggled to understand and learn ways in which to calm the fires of my soul, and in time I achieved this and now it takes exceptional circumstances to break this control I have over myself, as strong as it is it’s not absolute.

When these circumstances are met I can feel myself slipping, my thoughts become fractured and incoherent, random some may say. When this begins to happen I retreat and find comfort in isolation and meditation, if my thoughts continue to revert or are still disrupted I find myself with only two options both of which will end in loss.

One is to surrender to the side I keep locked away from the world and confront the problem, the second is to remove all that is intrinsically linked with the tormenting ethical clash and walk away.

I have walked away from people who I once could not imagine life without only to see them in years to come with a perfect sense of hindsight. That is why I walk away, experience has taught me it’s the best way.

If one chooses to step into quicksand knowing what it is and the potential dangers leave them be, they will be ok for a time, slowly sinking until there is no way out, that is unless they choose differently or have the strength to pull themselves out.

We are all saddened by loss, sometimes though, it’s inevitable.

Behind my Eyes

“Behind my eyes you can see the pain if you look deep enough”

Only hours have passed since the attempt to appeal to my heart. It feels as if time has all but stopped and a weight is stopping me from moving in any direction it feels like I’m stuck paralyzed in limbo with only darkness as my companion.

She has dragged me too a place I thought I had left behind, once again I am stood on the edge of madness and for all the people I have seen today not one has seen it. 

Struggling to control the flurry of emotion tearing me apart each second this day goes by the same question collides with the walls of my mind “why speak to me and act as if care when your actions and your words prove otherwise” the look of self pity and fear I saw causes me only more pain because it was an inward expression of concern because she now realises that someone truly hates her and sees her for the pathetic excuse of a human that she is.

My words are filled with anger an expression of the anguish I have suffered, even  here in this moment in time I can hear her voice “I’m not evil, I’m not a horrid person” try as I might to banish her plaguing presence from my mind it is tearing me apart. 

To be capable of treating someone who you once upon a time claimed love with such disregard such apathy because of a need for the self preservation of an image just shows how some people in this world are truly heartless.

I can feel my self being consumed by pure malice, I have not lead a perfect life I have hurt people in the past  but I always told them the truth despite the pain they would suffer the truth at least leaves reason, understanding that my feelings had changed but were real. From all I had heard these recent months all I had was lies, the words of yesterday caused my heart to scream in pain “there was nothing between us” still haunted by her phantom voice I can hear her say it…. it feels like reaper himself clutching my heart.

To believe everything i had been told to indulge my hearts desires only to discover it was meaningless was punishment that even I cannot endure, how I have not broken is beyond my own understanding.

Funny thing is no one could see any of this.

“Perhaps she was right and it is all in my head… maybe the way I she looked at me was never there, the love was never real and maybe I had gone mad”

A Moment of Sadness

“2am is the time it hits you, 2am is your deepest moment of thought 2am is when you think of everything someone meant to you and realise you still miss them”

The acceptance of pain is hard and our bodies fight it every step of the way, we look on the positive side of life’s challenges and all that we learn from them and all that they give us but sometimes but sometimes we are hit by that rush of emotion that reduces even the strongest of us to tears even if only briefly before we regain control.

Staring into the dark embrace of the night with only the whistling of the wind the rustling of the leaves and the silent sobbing that leaks from our hearts we remain silent keeping these feelings buried deep in the hope that one day they pain would reside and we would suffer torment no more.

Do we ever really let go of our memories that we hold so dear? The memories linked in song words, places, smells/scents  and more that cause us to remember a time of bliss and elation for at that time we thought we had everything. Do we let go of those same memories that make us smile but also hold a curse that pierces our hearts without warning or hesitation and brings us back to reality and the acceptance of choices made by ourselves and those who we thought we knew.

Days turn to weeks, weeks to month & months to years and life goes on….. people go on.

Looking into the eyes of our fellow man can give us the chance to see what is in their hearts but those few will have a look that says “I am strong, I can help you, I am always here” these are the same people who notice the small things, these people are the good friends who you can always depend on, there people are the ones who have been forever scared and find happiness in helping others because it gives them comfort to see others smile.

These are the people who lay away at 2am with thoughts that make them remember once they too were happy.

These are people that live in hope to find each other and be understood, to be accepted and not left asking that ominous question that resonates with pain each time it is asked “Why?”.

These are the people who for all their strength eventually succumb to their emotion at only one time 2am… are you one of those people?