On Your Own 

Sometimes I think the world would be too lonely on your own

Then I stumble across a place with picturesque views, serenity and no people 

Suddenly being on your own in the world doesn’t seem so bad. 

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More Tears

It hurt to see her cry like that.

All she wants is to love me, but even after all the times I have told her what I need recently she still fails to listen.
It leaves me in a precarious position. Give in out of guilt and pity to have myself feel worse as each day goes by or stay the course and pray she finds her feet on her own… I don’t want the added stress.
To explain what is happening to my body and my mind everyday is hard and largely pointless, because unless the listener has been in this situation or lived with similar they won’t understand.
No one understands.
Doctors are paid to listen and help yet they are always reluctant, the fools. I wonder if they even know how to help an individual such as myself who isn’t sick or dying but degrading long before his time is due, I guess as the most recent one said, i will just have to sit and wait.
It would be so easy to make a physical cry for help. I’ve tried voicing the psychological issues but they have been brushed off. Maybe a physical cry is the only way to really get their attention, but to do that I would have to prepare for the hurt that it would cause as I made all those around me feel helpless to help.
I think this is the problem with people. They want to be enough to help yet can’t fathom why they fail when their help isn’t wants needed. Calling out words of agony “Why am I not enough?!” the answer to that is simple, because you’re not. You’re not enough of what I need right now, none of my family are… but that does not mean that I don’t care, I just want to be alone to get through these troubled times.
We need what we need, we need what we want but very rarely do we need anything else.

Truth

To find that which can’t yet be found you must first be lost.

Nothing is discovered by knowing where you’re going, otherwise you wouldn’t be discovering anything new. You would merely be confirming that which you already knew to be true.

But when you find what wasn’t there you soon come to realise that it was there all along, you just didn’t know about it yet. So really there is nothing new to discover, instead there is only truth and honestly that’s all there ever is. You can believe what you like, but regardless of what it is the truth will always be the truth, no matter how much you might want to believe otherwise.

To find that which can’t yet be found you must first be lost, then you must accept you’ve always been lost. Trust me, that’s the truth.

Fallen From Grace

I bumped in to an old friend today, while the experience was pleasant I could see there were a lot of troubles swirling in the depths of her eyes. She had fallen from the pedestal she once pitched proudly on and was now nothing more than a common gutter snipe… It was a shame to see.

As we reminisce the days of old I encourage her to open up and explain what path her life is now on, she reluctantly begins to open the gates and lower her defences, not long after this the tears began to fill her eyes and she let it all out. Sharing each and every story of misfortune in great detail I learned that she hadn’t broken free from the desolate past she once had, in fact she had now become consumed by it.

Now this is not the first time I have seen a person succumb to the overpowering despair of drugs, but it was one of the saddest. To watch someone who had it all, to be secure and somewhat comfortable lose it all and be rendered a smoking husk of her former self made me question the path I currently tread and how it’s a very dangerous road. While not drug induced, it’s still not a good road to follow.

Parting company I take a stroll along the river by the cathedral.

With nowhere to be and time to spare I find a grassy bank and plonk myself down by the river. As I watch the leaves, twigs and debris flowing along I am reminded that we are all rivers (metaphorically speaking) and our flow will always lead to one place in the end. Nothing can stop it from happening, but plenty of things can change it or even make it come to a halt for a period of time.

There was a family of ducks quietly swimming without a care in the world, surrounded by their natural habitat. I do envy these simple creatures, free of the burden of higher thought and able to live according to their instincts and nothing else.

For all our triumphs, creations, wealth and knowledge Humans are set to be the sentient beings on the planet for decades to come, but we are far from the happiest… That honour is reserved for the animals who we took this world from, yet they’re not bitter, jealous or greedy, they take only what they need to survive and eventually give it back when they depart.

I guess the secret to being happy is to accept it all.

Alone

Alone:

Why do I align with the solitude is a question harbouring in the mind of my inner circle, the answer is simple… It’s what I want. It’s my choice.

This choice, it will be met with anger because not everyone understands why a person would want to go it alone but eventually that will subside, eventually they will understand. My moods have become erratic, so erratic that I want to be alone because I will have no need to contain, restrain or control my emotions. I will be able to let the seamless transition happen without having to worry about who will be effected apart from myself.

My default has always been to retreat away from the crowds of people. There is very little I care about and I don’t want it caught in the black hole that is my thoughts, it’s not fair to lean on people when they don’t deserve the brunt of my moods. While it is true that they would be there for me, I can’t bring myself to rely on anyone else.

History has taught me one lesson repeatedly; Being alone is not a bad thing.

Burning the bridges that ascend the clouds to the peaks of friendship and love is not my intention but it will be taken in that regard, luckily I am a good climber. I will do what I need to do to get myself through this first, then I shall begin the climb.

Early Bird

As the world sleeps I am awake, finding peace in solitude and comfort in the silence. The early hours of the night welcome me with open arms, like a mother reaching out for her child.

Finally, I feel like I belong once more.

Half of my day has already passed, my work is almost done, all I have left is to put pen to paper or rather fingers to keys and write these simple 400 words.

It’s getting easier.

Perched in a familiar coffee shop I am still largely unknown, the men and woman who reside here in the early hours of the morning are those of high business class, or at least that is what they would have you believe. However their desperate attempt to jumpstart their bodies as what I can only assume was night of broken sleep shows me differently.

Among the zombies dragging their heels there are a few who are awake and walking powerfully with purpose. Each one of these rare people notices me watching the flock, they give a polite nod as a gesture of their appreciation for a fellow person welcomed by the abyss.

There is a focus in their eyes, a determination in their spiritual presence and an unrelenting desire to achieve.

Presumptuous it might be for me to assume all of that from nothing more than a simple pacing glance, but I know enough to trust my gut and it never steers me wrong in such things. That is why I have decided to follow my instincts once more, to cast aside the voices of the others in my head and make each step because I choose to, not because I’m told.

I had become mired in the mud, but now I have pulled myself out.

Time alone, time to plan, time to create, time to grow. I never realised how much I enjoy being a shadow, a nameless face that smiles because he can, not because he should. It’s so easy to get caught up in everything that we start to get dragged down. I have a long way to go, there are still issues that need to be resolved but I will tackle them head on as I always have.

The colour grey still resonates around me, the cloud has not lifted but at least it has broken enough so that I can see the radiant blue sky that await on the other side.

This is another part of my journey, no doubt one of many more to come.

Will you join me through writing and verse?

Subtle Smiles & Hungry Eyes

“Order up”

Bellows the manager.

With a thunderous slam the tray is placed down, the coffee nearly spilt and the customer ushered away.

“Next please…”

The barista mutters with a sultry tone.

She looks so depressed. I can feel myself being drawn in by it and no amount of friendly smiles from any customer seems to change the look on her face, she refused to make any form of eye contact. I guess the wind must have changed at the wrong time.

Through all of the noise, rushing people and rowdy children I spot the pair who have been sent out into the war zone to clear the tables.

They both rush in different directions to make space as fast at they can, all while the beady eyes of unimpressed seniors glare at them. The way they move is so hypnotic, it is as if they are dancing with the cups and trays in hand, around and around they go, missing everything and everyone; it was then I saw it….

As they brush past one another their eyes meet for but a mere moment, the pressure that emanated from them was overwhelming. Their smiles were subtle but as I looked deeper I could see their eyes were filled with lust, passion and love.

Less than a second passes, their contact is broken and their dances continued.

Though my sight is fixed on the two, my ears catch the manager once again barking orders.

“You’ve got a face like a smacked ass girl! Go and help Kevin wash the dishes”

The miserable girl behind the till suddenly left.

“Kerry! Back behind the till please.”

Kerry, so that was her name. She didn’t look like a Kerry, I thought she was more of a Rachel, but I guess I was wrong.

Kerry scuttles across the floor and through the staff door, she was in such a hurry the trays and cups she carried almost went flying.

The young man still gliding across the shop floor smiles at all of the customers, it’s like he is walking on air after that brief glance at the apple of his eye. Minutes pass and eventually everything is cleared, then he too returns to the till.

I look across to see their playful flirting and it makes me smile.

It’s a much nicer sight than the washed out look of the previous girl. She was so lifeless, so miserable, so pathetic.

“Luke, you can go”

Luke eh… Luke and Kerry, what a nice couple they made.

As he disappears from my sight I feel a dark cloud appear to my left. It was the morbid one herself, with heavy steps and careless awareness she bumps into me.

‘Stupid girl’ I thought.



She lacked the energy and grace of Luke and Kerry, but it was at that exact second she made eye contact with me, what I saw and came to realise will never leave me.

She wasn’t depressed, she was hurt. Their were tears in her eyes and a stare that cried out for help.

‘Why could she be so sad?’

A voice reaches over my shoulder to grab her attention.

“Ok babe, lets go then.”

A tall and slender man passes me and puts his arm around her. She responds by looking up and saying;

“Ok….”
“I love you Luke”

His response, while looking over his shoulder towards the till at Kerry.

“uh huh. Come on.”

Suddenly, it all became painfully clear.

The dance I witnessed between the two I thought was one of passion and love was nothing more than a sordid affair, but worst of all, they did it right in front of her eyes…

I can only imagine how much it hurts to see the one you love loving someone else.