According to folk law of old, we all have a twin somewhere in the world and while the person I saw was not my twin it certainly made me look twice.
The resemblance was uncanny, the only difference was the look of déjà vu that spread across her face. However the biggest surprise was when she spoke to me and asked if we had met before, it was quite funny really because I always thought that sort of thing only happened in the movies.
After a brief interlude we shared a parting smile.
If history does indeed repeat itself then this one is best avoided. Watching a familiar face with no knowledge of me walk way was a strange feeling, but it was a much nicer way to part than the last time.
Today was a day like all the others
When will I get the resolution I so desperately seek?
When will I be free of it all…
There was no reason for it, suddenly though I just began to feel incredibly overwhelmed by sadness.
Could this be a simple mood fluctuation or perhaps something more…
I could sit and think of three people I share close bonds with that could have influenced this feeling, even though they are not in my immediate company. It’s strange but it feels almost like loss. I dislike feelings like this, but it seems I have no choice until, I will have to sit in silence with it until I lose consciousness.
What a waste of life this has become.
Life moves on
So do people too
But we will always carry the pain deep down inside.
It would seem today that the seas are calm
There is only thoughtless rivers
This is one of the good days…
I had a thought.
Over the years spent trying to help people as not only a form of distraction, but also validation too I’ve noticed something.
The reason I’m struggling so much now is because the help I want is being refused and I guess I just feel it’s not fair.
I know, pathetic right?
The issues of the last year, no… 3 years are nothing in comparison to what some people face but in the minds eye they can all be sorted easily, yet I am made to wait and jump through hoops to get what I need. While I appreciate the people who are trying o support me it doesn’t make any difference because they can’t give me what I need, the worst part is the longer this goes on the more mental damage is being done and that’s the hardest part to live with.
I wish I wasn’t such a coward. i wish I could do it but my head stops me because logically I know it’s a fools errand and no good will come of it, but the thought of relieving the sheer mental strain is so tempting it can drive one in to madness. This is why isolation is my friend, it keeps me safe.
It seems that on a daily basis I want to turn to alcohol, not as a crutch but to wash away my logic and act on pure instinct and emotion. I know I would do what needs to be done under it’s influence, but I also know it would be a stupid thing to do. What other choice do I have though.
On top of all of this I have picked up some for of strange anxiety. It feels like I am being watched, but by who I don’t know. It’s like their eyes are burning in to the back of my head and their presence draws ever closer, each time I turn round though there is no one there, it’s only my imagination playing tricks on me again.
Penance is an interesting thing.
I want to live in a time where survival is more important than creature comforts
Where the worth of a person is decided by their actions and not their possessions
Oh how I yearn to be free of the mediocrity, to be free of it all.