I feel so torn.
To do what is ‘right’ or to do what is instinct.
One moment there is nothing but stillness or calm and the next I am steeped in what one would call sadness, such is the price of wandering thoughts.
It’s been 2 years and there has been a daily thought that I am now struggling to keep out of my mind. I never asked for any of if, but I know that one day it will be coming, I can’t stop it from happening and it terrifies me.
I am the living legacy of his failure, I fear that all of this will be the same as it was for me. Haunted by the inner guilt that I failed at the only thing that really matters in this world, being there.
The feeling is a strange one.
It’s like walking through a forest in the middle of the night, the light of the moon is unable to break through the thicket.
I am lost.
Confusion sets in, hope begins to fade. I thought I had clarity, I thought I knew the way, but now… Now it’s all been thrown in to question. My guilt is building, but I am not ready, no in the slightest.
What options do I have? Wander lost in the hope I’m never found or give up and let my demons find me. What options indeed.
The former calls to me, but the latter is more likely. I can only run for so long, eventually I will be found, life catches up. The failings of or past find a way to ruin the future, no matter how hard you try to overcome them.
I guess in truth, I am not lost. I am scared.
Was it my place to get involved? No.
Did it squash the situation quickly? Yes.
I do find myself losing faith in humans. A man who should have known better decided to threaten a boy who apparently drove in to the back of him, though considering his bike was still standing and he was unhurt I think this was an exaggeration.
Getting between the two I am met with animosity, a middle aged woman also came to reinforce my calm logic.
While his threats we empty I knew all he really wanted was to vent his frustration, so that’s what I let him do. Could I have verbally castrated him because he clearly hasn’t evolved much past that of a neanderthal, yes I could have but that would have solved nothing.
Shortly after he had vented his rage he subconsciously listed to me and moved his bike out of the way of the amassing traffic. I told the young boy to be more careful, but I don’t think this is a lesson he will soon forget.
What did amuse me about the angry man was how quickly he backed down to someone who stood up to him. I can understand he was angry, rightfully so because he could have indeed been hurt and his pride (bike) damaged, but neither happened. He was merely basing his anger on logical fallacy and ‘what ifs’ so he was acting on emotion, not logic.
In my younger days I would happily have fought with him and beaten him down with words and possibly force if needed, but those days are behind me now. After all, what is the point of senseless violence when the best was to deal with a bully is to simply have him calm himself down with a few cleverly laced words and suggestions.
Funny how people work.
I found myself giving words of warning to someone who is playing a game I’m all to familiar with. While the choice is theirs alone I know from experience that there are never any winners in the end.
The game is a lot like chess. Some sacrifices are welcome, others are necessary but there will come a time where you eventually lose something precious and that is when you realise the mistake you’ve made.
Life is a game, however in the end the only real winner is time because no one has yet bested it. Therefore why waste the limited moves you have one the games that do nothing but cost you your future because once you lose time you can win it back.
I thought that after the lights went out everything would be okay, I thought it would all go away and I could escape to my place of peace and serenity, but…
I was wrong.
It seems I am being followed to the realm of the ether by the waking nightmare now as well. There does not seem to be an off switch, I lay asleep but yet still fully conscious and aware of every agonising second the passes by, what a pain in the ass.
Life is ever decreasing. I block everything out, all the sounds, all the emotion and feeling, everything.
The presence of such dullard Qi’s was once tolerable but not anymore, not when so much concentration is used to keep a stable mind and bury the endless amount of frustration and the complete ineptitude of the people I am forced to wait on.
I see so many eyes that are screaming for connection but I can’t bring myself to even rise conversation anymore. I need to venture inward and kick my own ass out of this mindset, if I stay here much longer I won’t last much longer.
It was my choice
To forfeit my future
So they could have theirs
I gave them the only thing I had left
How did I end up here?
Stood so close but not close enough
I can’t remember
It’s been so long
I don’t know where I’m going, let alone where I’m from.
According to folk law of old, we all have a twin somewhere in the world and while the person I saw was not my twin it certainly made me look twice.
The resemblance was uncanny, the only difference was the look of déjà vu that spread across her face. However the biggest surprise was when she spoke to me and asked if we had met before, it was quite funny really because I always thought that sort of thing only happened in the movies.
After a brief interlude we shared a parting smile.
If history does indeed repeat itself then this one is best avoided. Watching a familiar face with no knowledge of me walk way was a strange feeling, but it was a much nicer way to part than the last time.
Today was a day like all the others
When will I get the resolution I so desperately seek?
When will I be free of it all…
There was no reason for it, suddenly though I just began to feel incredibly overwhelmed by sadness.
Could this be a simple mood fluctuation or perhaps something more…
I could sit and think of three people I share close bonds with that could have influenced this feeling, even though they are not in my immediate company. It’s strange but it feels almost like loss. I dislike feelings like this, but it seems I have no choice until, I will have to sit in silence with it until I lose consciousness.
What a waste of life this has become.