Inner Turmoil

On the outset I seem like a normal person.

Young, carefree, slightly vain and ever so confident, but there are  voices clashing in my head.

The rage uncontrollably.

That blank stare across my face with dead eyes hides a storm.

“You never LISTEN!”

He takes a stance with open hands.

“SHUT UP”

Screamed with open arms and clenched fists.

“Why can you not understand. Why can you not see what you have. Why won’t you listen.”

Preparing… waiting… watching.

“I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!”

“Why must you break everything you touch.”

“I’M GOING TO BREAK YOU. NOW GET OUT OF MY WAY!”

Charging forwards in a fit of rage with one arm drawn back ready to strike, he comes charging in head first.

“It seems you still don’t understand.”

Gracefully avoiding every rage filled attempt at striking, melancholy begins to lose patience.

“If this is what you want then fine. I will make you listen with these two hands.”

All it took was one swift strike it splits rage in two with ease. This battle had been won by the lesser of two evils for now.

This is what goes on in my head every minute of everyday.

Melancholy is my champion. So far it has kept rage, desperation, paranoia and oblivion at bay. For how much longer it will win is not known, there have been times he has faltered and another emotion has taken control but my champion always regains the edge, for now at least.

Now, if you look at me with a blank expressionless face you will know what goes on in that head of mine.

Bloodlust

It was then he realised.

His oldest friend and most trusted allie had nothing but hate for this world, it poured from the gaping wound that never healed after the loss of his love. He had only contempt for the people left and sought no longer to protect the weak and oppose the unjust, all he wanted now was absolute rule over all.

Staring in to his eyes, reaching out in the hope to find the man he once knew is not gone only buried deep in the pain of loss, he calls to him.

“Brother, it doesn’t have to be this way. It doesn’t have to end in blood!”

Clutching his sword in eager anticipation he waits for a reply but is instead met with deafening silence and a stare as cold as ice. The silence continued to roll in like dust carried across a stormy sky, the man stood before him bathed in the blood of his kinsman was now a king who had it all, but less of a man than he ever was as a solider.

“You are fool Talyn. You fight against the world and what it has become, refusing to embrace the change. This is why I was crowned, because you lack the necessary strength to spill the blood of the innocent for the needs of the future!”

Bone chilling words softly said with vicious intent broke the silence and left Talyn in disarray. Drawing his sword and taking a stance he prepares for the inevitable. Tears filling the void in his heart and drown the fires of their kinship.

“So then you are truly lost… Consumed by the power bestowed upon you by the people. I will stop you, no matter the cost!

Now take up your sword and fight me with whatever honour you have left.”

Smirking as he steps over the fresh corpses beneath his feet he draws the blade that won so many wars with a single swing. Gracefully avoiding the puddles of blood with a murderous rage in his eye and a bloodlust in his heart he charges at full force and screams.

“You blasphemous SCUM!”

Here he comes… his blade feels dull, it has lost the terrifying presence it once had.

Now’s my chance!

Blood sprays in to the sky and falls to the ground like gentle rain on a summers day. Shards of a broken blade scatter to the wind and as before all it took was single swing of his sword.

Crumbling Walls

The rain has come, it decimates the cracked and crumbled walls that survived the wrath of the sun. They fall apart piece by piece, there was only so much they could take before they broke down and all I’m doing is simply sitting under my protective canvass and watching it happen.

Standing from the chair steps are taken towards the wall that is dissolving before my eyes. Each step closer is matched with a piece of the wall breaking away from the whole, some large, some small, but still pieces of the same wall.

Memories flood back of times when the wall was first erected all those years ago. The times filled with fun, games and joyful smile, the times filled with tears, bloody knees and bandages, the times where it was strong, the times where it was more than a fragile an  crumbling shell.

More than have way in to the rain it’s barely able to stand anymore… I waited too long to act, the damage was done… the damage was permanent.

The rain subsides and I fall to me knees next to what is left of the wall. It endured so much but it finally reached the tipping point and couldn’t hold together anymore. The lethal does has been exceeded, perhaps not by much but it was enough to bring it down regardless.

It is in this way armies fall, it is in this way empires end.

A ray of Sun breaks through the overshadowing clouds illuminating a shaft of dust in the air, drifting towards the sky and a place of rest. The remaining dust forms a memory in the air. Reaching out to touch it I was once again too slow and in the blink of an eye it becomes scattered by the winds.

The wall had always been there, unchanging, immovable, unbreakable, strong… now though, it was gone. By my own hand I had reached for a drink when the heavens opened and the tsunami was unleashed instead of reaching for something to protect it. It was by my hand the wall was allowed to crumble and all I did was sit and watch.

Without the wall to lean on I stand on my own, all the while not taking my eyes off the heap of rubble that lay at my feet and the knowledge of my choice. Struck with a sudden wave of emotion I feel a drop of rain roll down my cheek even though there were no clouds to be seen in the sky.

For me, it was still raining.

Knowing Hope

I told someone today that like myself she gets stuck in a loop, u like mine hers is one of unfinished business.

Her response was short and snappy;

“Says you, Mr I’ve gotten to my highest level in boxing or dance so I shall quit.”

I accept those comments, however I reached my desired goals. Once I reach my goal I become bored and seek a new challenge, but considering her slight outburst I am lead to believe her ego was in danger.

I pressed on and made more provoking statements, simply stating that some people make it work.

Her response;

“I’m not some people”

Words said with a sharp tongue.

I clearly hit a nerve and wounded her ego. While my intentions are not malicious, her response spoke more than words ever could.

Once again she is preparing to forgo her dream, from the outsiders perspective it appears that times have once again become tough and the knee jerk response is to give up.

The worst part is I have faith, but my words will mean little because it seems her mind is made up.

Alas, perhaps it will be different this time. Maybe she will become ‘some people’ rather than join the crowd of ‘everyone else’.

I enjoy watching people succeed, it just seems they lack the necessary faith and patience to stay the course. Though I suppose I have no real place to comment considering I’m not a parent.

I shall quietly stay in the background, watching from afar. Waiting in hope that she will break the loop of which she is ensnared.

Knowing:

To know how to handle another person is a skill few possess and even less can acquire.

Over time I have heard countless people cry. They all let it go and fall apart, with no hesitation or regret to show that side of themselves, a side so vulnerable, so fragile, so weak. The amount of trust I must amass in such a short time is clearly an honour, but until the realise life never really change, they will always end up back in the same situation.

I don’t want to remember the last time I let everything go, that feeling of complete helplessness is not anything I desire. Those who have been close tell me I am like stone when confronted with situations of emotion, cold, unmoving, emotionless and blank, those are but a few words to describe my detachment from situations of that ilk.

I’ve forgotten what it is to cry…

I forgotten what it is to feel anything anymore…

Anything other than nothing.

For You…

As the water poured down my back, time seemed to stop and I found myself thinking. Thinking about everything that’s happened over the past few years and the chronicles contained in this blog.

I also thought about all the people who have read what’s been written, along with all those kind enough to like, comment and even share some of the simple musings.

To all and everyone else still reading what gets left here, I just wanted to say one thing…

Thank You.

I am not the greatest writer, nor will I ever be, but if I can but reach even a few people it’s enough.

A Rare Sight

A rare sight that was to see
The look of happiness with a hint of more
It’s exactly the same when they look at me

They turn and smile walking out the door
Thoughts a clear as day
Memories stir of times before

Friends is what we stay
Long chosen in the times of old
A sensible choice to be that way

Reminiscing stories of being bold
I pray for her future, her happiness, for her to fall in love
Warming smiles ease the chilling cold

I hope she takes the chance given from above
I hope she doesn’t stay trapped like a caged dove