I was in the cinema one my own as per the norm and once again I found myself torn apart by internal conflict. Until today I wasn’t able to fully understand why I kept feeling this way every time I sat down to watch a film, now however it is all too clear.
I never really accepted that of all the years I was in his presence this was the only time we ever really got alone together. Despite the fact not one word was said it clearly meant something to my childhood psyche. As you can imagine that was a bit of a surprise to me.
It’s been years now and even after all the time that has passed I don’t feel any need to have such a presence in my life, I have and will always survive without it but now I can see things from a different perspective. To be in those shoes, all be it from a situation that was forced upon me rather than it being something I wanted or from my own choice. That’s the part that still gets me the most, from that one sentence that enrages me “I never said Iw wasn’t.” I now have to understand the perspective of my old man in a way I never asked because I am the product of his need for control, but I was easy enough to cast off when the necessity for me was gone.
Why is this a bad thing? Because knowing how much you can loath something and the reasons for it is not good, especially now I have a new perspective on the matter.
I want to run, hide, disappear so I can’t be found and yet at the same time I wait for the day paths cross so I can know myself because that’s what it will take. I feel I know the answer but I want to be sure because at this moment in time I’m still terrified of such a monumental change to my life that was forced upon my unwilling self.
Time will play out, what will happen will happen and the chaos will arrive eventually.