I wasn’t prepared for that encounter.
Buried emotion has hit my harder than a train and let me sat here struggling to keep a straight face. Why do we do it to ourselves? It’s just not worth it, the pain is not worth the pleasure that precedes it.
It’s clear to me that I still feel as strongly as I ever did but she, as before, seems me as nothing more than an ongoing inconvenience.
I should not have admitted that there was always so much I wanted to say whenever our paths crossed. I knew I wouldn’t get the answer I wanted, but I did it to myself anyway. To see her knee jerk reaction was still run bolt int he other direction cut as deep as it did the first time.
Before she ran she told me to make a mental bank of all the things I wanted to say to her, it was at that point I stupidly uttered these words… “If I say what I want it would only make life harder for me.” and at that point the conversation was over. Although I was honest with my words to her I wouldn’t dare tell her what I really wanted because I know full well I am not strong enough to take her reaction. A blow of that magnitude would only serve to send me backwards.
Instead I will leave those words here, that way they will not haunt me and can be lost in the ether of webspace.
“If I say what I want it would only make life harder for me, but…. That still does not stop he fact I want to throw my arms around you to hold you close and never let go because I am sadly, undeniably still in love with you, but you already know that.”
How pitiful. I am ashamed of myself for still being this weak around her. At this point I would give anything to be free of this pain. I would gladly cut off a piece of myself if it meant I could finally move forwards and away from this, leaving it to fade in to a forgotten memory.
Chance would be a fine thing.