Eventually 

Everyone parts with everything eventually. 

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The Cinema

I was in the cinema one my own as per the norm and once again I found myself torn apart by internal conflict. Until today I wasn’t able to fully understand why I kept feeling this way every time I sat down to watch a film, now however it is all too clear.

I never really accepted that of all the years I was in his presence this was the only time we ever really got alone together. Despite the fact not one word was said it clearly  meant something to my childhood psyche. As you can imagine that was a bit of a surprise to me.

It’s been years now and even after all the time that has passed I don’t feel any need to have such a presence in my life, I have and will always survive without it but now I can see things from a different perspective. To be in those shoes, all be it from a situation that was forced upon me rather than it being something I wanted or from my own choice. That’s the part that still gets me the most, from that one sentence that enrages me “I never said Iw wasn’t.” I now have to understand the perspective of my old man in a way I never asked because I am the product of his need for control, but I was easy enough to cast off when the necessity for me was gone.

Why is this a bad thing? Because knowing how much you can loath something and the reasons for it is not good, especially now I have a new perspective on the matter.

I want to run, hide, disappear so I can’t be found and yet at the same time I wait for the day paths cross so I can know myself because that’s what it will take. I feel I know the answer but I want to be sure because at this moment in time I’m still terrified of such a monumental change to my life that was forced upon my unwilling self.

Time will play out, what will happen will happen and the chaos will arrive eventually.

Technological Eyes

People no longer live life through their eyes 

They live through a screen

Be that on a phone, a computer or another form of tech

We have lost the art of observation

After all, when was the last time you just stopped and took a good long look at the nights sky, the waters reflection or the world?

Live through your eyes, not your technology. 

Patterns

I used to have so much thought and emotion each time I wrote, but now there is nothing more than an empty void. It’s a strange feeling, like  being numb and yet still understanding who you should feel but can’t.

Still I sit and see all the faces, the smiles, the tears, the hungry eyes lusting over something that will never be theirs and there’s not a thing I can do about any of it. Not a single thing.

In recent times I have been seen plenty that usual y catches my attention but the mood is fleeting, more so than it has ever been before because not one person is able to hold my attention and that’s my fault. We all have patterns you see, patterns of people we associate with, people we can pick out, people we instantly know because they are a part of the pattern and because of that we learn nothing new.

We all have patterns, comfort, safety and as good as it is, it holds us back… it holds me back, yet I willingly choose to stay hoping that the effort I put in will one day finally get me to the place I desire, but that’s not my pattern, it never has been. Self sabotage for reasons unknown, that’s my pattern.  What’s yours?

Fixed

We don’t get the choose the things that fix us, that make us feel whole again, that gives us back purpose. It can come from the strangest of places and be the most terrible of things, but it’s what puts us back together.