The inconsistent moods have returned, as I’m sure many will no doubt gather.
To people on the outside looking in it seems like self pity, attention seeking and false but I don’t want the attention of other and nor do I want their false emotion. All I want is to break out of this shell, I want to cut away that which drains me so badly.
I find it funny how we are so easily sorted in to groups or labeled with certain stigmas, simply because it’s easier t assume rather than really understand.
Why would I want to one again cause physical harm to myself? Because the physical pain if far less than the mental one that I fight toff everyday. Only a few will understand what that means from a internal standpoint while others will see it as nothing more than a phase. The difference is phases come and go, things like this are always there and you have to fight hard everyday to remove the thoughts from your mind and stay one step ahead because when it catches up you have no idea where you will be.
Sometimes you’re caught on the street, others in the company of friends and the worst is to be found by it when you’re basking in the safety of your own home. Why? That is because behind closed doors no one can see you and while they may hear some muffled screams they will always ignore them and plead blissful ignorance.
What would doing such a thing to myself solve? It would rid me of the problem I have. The problem that is dismissed time and again by each person I have gone to for help. It would remove the cancer of the mind and give me back what I’ve lost. Cutting out my suffering will give me back my life…
It’s sad and scary how low we get and the lengths we will go to so that we can again feel like ourselves.
So that we can feel normal once more.