I had a thought.
Over the years spent trying to help people as not only a form of distraction, but also validation too I’ve noticed something.
The reason I’m struggling so much now is because the help I want is being refused and I guess I just feel it’s not fair.
I know, pathetic right?
The issues of the last year, no… 3 years are nothing in comparison to what some people face but in the minds eye they can all be sorted easily, yet I am made to wait and jump through hoops to get what I need. While I appreciate the people who are trying o support me it doesn’t make any difference because they can’t give me what I need, the worst part is the longer this goes on the more mental damage is being done and that’s the hardest part to live with.
I wish I wasn’t such a coward. i wish I could do it but my head stops me because logically I know it’s a fools errand and no good will come of it, but the thought of relieving the sheer mental strain is so tempting it can drive one in to madness. This is why isolation is my friend, it keeps me safe.
It seems that on a daily basis I want to turn to alcohol, not as a crutch but to wash away my logic and act on pure instinct and emotion. I know I would do what needs to be done under it’s influence, but I also know it would be a stupid thing to do. What other choice do I have though.
On top of all of this I have picked up some for of strange anxiety. It feels like I am being watched, but by who I don’t know. It’s like their eyes are burning in to the back of my head and their presence draws ever closer, each time I turn round though there is no one there, it’s only my imagination playing tricks on me again.
Penance is an interesting thing.