It won’t come as a surprise to those who take a quick few minute to read any of my ramblings that I have not been in the stablest of mindsets for a very long time.
Nothing has really changed from how I’ve always felt apart from now the extremes are far more apparent and less controllable. Not to mention I have also been given a label.
“You’re suffering from depression.”
Those are the words I was told. I can’t say I totally agree, I like to see it as I surfer from living with morons who can’t see past the end of their own nose, but I guess that’s jus the ‘depression’ talking.
I’ve never been under any illusions that life is actually pretty shit, the majority of people would agree. We all go through highs and lows but more often than not the latter outweighs the former. All of this gives more perspective on why people are in such a rush to have the settled life and are too scared to say boo to a goose, all because they want to pretend everything’s ok when they know it’s not.
Over the years I’ve always seen myself as a realist, but now anything I say is questioned, but ironically those who question don’t ever want to accept the answers. I’m under no illusion that the people I am now told to see are far smarter than I will ever be, but what they’ve gained in intellect they’ve lost in appreciation and understanding.
People aren’t textbooks. No matter how many theories you read or how we claim to understand the human mind all we can ever really do is influence or manipulate those who allow us to do so. Perhaps this is why I am, as they say, in a constant state of denial and refusing to accept what has happened in life.
Utter bollocks says I. Just because jumping through hoops to tell people what they want to hear is what the many conform to it doesn’t mean I should do the same.
Al in all, it seems people constantly contradict themselves and when you point out this fact then are soon to note down that you’re ‘difficult’ and ‘resilient to change’. There really is no understanding left in some people, they could have all the cooperation they desired but considering there will be no benefit for me what is the point in playing their game.
I was asked to describe what it is like living each day, this was what they based their diagnosis on. It did’t take long to formulate an answer.
What do you think of my answer?
“It’s like walking in the rain that is soon to pass. You can see the break in the clouds peering over the horizon, almost close enough to touch… but no matter how many steps you take the rain stays with you and what you’re walking towards is always just one more step away.”
Before I left I asked them a question of my own.
“Am I living with depression or is it that you are living in ignorance?”
After giving them time to come up with an answer all they could do was brush the question to the side and forgo answering it, and they say I’m the on in denial.