It’s been two years now…
Two years ago I started this blog as a place where I could come and leave my memories, thoughts, feelings and stories.
Over that time it has changed a lot. There has been a great deal of emotion, most of it falling on the side of melancholy, but despite that people still seem to read what I write.
There could be any number of reasons I guess. Perhaps it’s out of pity, maybe even curiosity to watch a mind and life slowly fall apart but regardless of what he reasons actually are, I want to say thank you for reading the simple ramblings of a fool.
I know I am not the most gifted writer, nor am I anything that even comes close to a diamond in the rough but at least I can say I always write from the heart, even if mine is damaged at least what I write is what I feel.
Today has been an interesting day, but the second I opened my eyes I just felt sad for no real reason. If I’m honest I still don’t know why I feel sad, but I could quite happily close my eyes and leave it at that today.
I was asked an interesting question by someone who adores me earlier – “Have you been in contact with…” – My answer was no, but I did find a subtle joy in the very real irony that shortly after the mention of her name and being asked that question I saw a man from my past who now hates me with all his soul, along with the obligatory ‘Happy Anniversary’ pop up in my blog notifications as a reminder of where I was on this day all those years ago. It seems there is such a thing as sequential coincidence.
My friend the fates are cruel. They pull the strings and move the pieces in the game that makes up our lives, but in the end I’m sure it will all make sense.
Two years huh…. That’s a long time to ignore something that is with you everyday.
There is was. A gleaming white silhouette stood again the black abyss before me.
I asked it.. “What the hell are you!”
What am I?
I am the truth of your despair
I am the inescapable price of your boastfulness
I am you.
The way he looked at me was filled with hate, malice and loathing.
I can’t hold it against him, especially after the events that happened all that time ago. While he was only given selective facts and certain information was warped and distorted to put me in the darkest frame, I still can’t blame him for the way he feels.
He was unaware that I had seen him. Probably for the best as it allowed any unpleasantries to be avoided, though I wouldn’t have stopped them. I would have just let him take out his anger and frustration in what ever way he saw fit, after all, it’s only the blood of mine that he could spill.
As I sit here and survey my surroundings I see lots of different faces today some are old, other young but all with their own unique stories.
This place… This town. It’s akin to one of the rings of Dante’s Inferno. The more people walk around it the further it descends. The longer I am here the more bitter and twisted I hear people become, their words are filled with spite and manipulation so that they can get what they want.
Being able to see people playing their games is amusing, but it’s not without it’s concerns. I can see one who seeks revenge for how he has been besmirched. He seeks to get back at her thought her close friend. We play so many games just to get even… What a sad place this is.
I doubt her fathers path and mine will cross again, but I can be assured that he will undoubtably report back what he saw and how he would have acted given different circumstances.
What a life.
What is the soul?
Why do we exist?
Where does this need to answer these complex questions come from when in reality know that there is no answer.
So many questions and no one to answer them. So many times have I sat and thought, going around in circles through all the facts and everything that I know only to be unable to come to a solid conclusion. Everything else falls neatly in to place, but there is that one piece that just doesn’t fit amongst it all.
I knew the rules, I understood what I was supposed to do but I didn’t… I couldn’t. I was compelled to say, compelled to fall in the fray.
We could ask a thousand times, in a thousand different ways but each time there will only be silence because that’s all there ever can be, but even so, the last piece still doesn’t fit and that’s what is a struggle to understand.
The tears may be held back, but they can still be seen. The skin flushes with colour and the breathing hastens as the heart beats faster and faster, this is a look that can’t be faked but I don’t know why I am still greeted with this look after all the pain I’ve caused, after everything it never changes…. That’s the piece that never fits.
Unanswerable questions, this are the kind that are best forgotten.
Do you want to know the secret to a happy life?
Help where you can
Give what you can’t afford too
Listen to those closest to you
Speak from the heart
Take a risk
And always for the love of all that is holy isten to your gut, it’s never wrong.
A chain of memories ran through my head
Not a second thought was given to any
The past must stay dead
Some were bright, others were grey
But they all had one thing in common
Not one of them could be allowed to stay
For a moment I felt slightly sad
Nothing ever changes
You never miss what you’ve never had.
Something began to form in the corner of my eye
I could explain the reason
I couldn’t tell you why
A tiny tear rolls down my cheek, a memory given physical form
Only for it to be wiped away
I couldn’t tell you why.