All or Nothing

With all that I’ve learnt over the years I should be surprised by anything anymore, but at least life still has some surprises for me, even if that are the non-pleasant variety.

I’ve gotten to the point now where I do really give up with people.

“I’m sorry if you feel that way. If you don’t want to speak to me ever again that’s your choice, you’re the one who walked out on us.”

That is the last message I saw before putting in place a permanent block that I will now not remove. As you can see I am the arbiter of all the evil that has befallen this poor young girl. It is true I knew how much she cared when we started our relationship and it’s also true that deep down I knew that it was never going to work… What a monster I am.

I tried to fall ‘in love’ and I just couldn’t make it past the stage of simple companionship. I could have stayed with her for the rest of my life but if I am honest I would never have loved her in the way she deserved or wanted me to love her. As a result of wanting to be alone to sort out my head and everything that’s going on I have been met with constant barrages of emotional blackmail from her.

What more can I say. Life rarely works out the way we want it too, but if she knew me as well as she claimed then she would understand that all she is doing now is reinforcing my choice to be alone. Having someone hinge their entire existence and happiness on you is a hefty wait on your shoulders, you’re made to feel guilty everyday, even though that imposed guilt is not intentional it’s always there.

Last night she said to me that I was to her what ‘She’ was to me. Deep down she always knew this to be true and the saddest and more horrid truth finally came out. If she feels for that way about me then from this day, and for everyone that she will now live, she will be looking for that same feeling but not matter how many people she meets until she finds something more none of them will ever be enough. That is the horrible curse of understanding what you consider to be ‘true love’.

How do I feel about it all?

I feel sad. I have broken yet another person, but worst of all is that this one had thought she had found her ‘one’ and now she will live each day looking for a way to fill that void. Hopefully she will fill it quickly because living with a hole in your soul is not an easy task.

A couple of weeks ago she asked me if I still loved ‘her’ the answer was and will always ┬ábe no, but that doesn’t change the fact that I know what I need to feel for a person to be able to commit myself to them. Considering all of the people in the world there statistical chance of feeling that way again is possible, how long it will take to find is another question but I doubt I will ever find it as long as I am looking for it, which if I’m honest is what I have been doing ever since that day and that has been the problem.

When we lose something we try desperately to replace it with something of equal or greater value, but all the time we are looking we compare it to what was and that fact is what hold us back. Nothing is ever the same, that doesn’t mean much because if it was the same then the outcome would be the same as it was before. What we need to accept is the concept of ‘same but different’ and if we can then when we stop looking we will find it.

The hardest part about the loss of this relationship is not that the relationship itself has ended, that was inevitable because no matter how I tried to convince myself the feelings just weren’t there in the way they needed to be. The hardest part is losing a close friend because like others before she will now become nothing more than a bitter acquaintance because I know she will never really be able to forgive me for not loving her enough. I will miss her but I will not apologise for how I feel, nor will I apologise for being honest. I do not want to be that person who wakes up beside someone 15 or even 20 years from today and looks across the bed only to think ‘what happened…’.

It’s funny how life plays out.

We do what we want, when we want to do it, and as long as we are all in agreement there are no problems but as soon as opinions differ or needs change the world implodes and it becomes all or nothing. We are either together or alone, friends or enemies, lovers or sinners.

In the end we are all or nothing.

I guess nothing isn’t so bad.