Today has been a struggle from the moment I awoke from my slumber.
The long and drawn out process of living like this cleaves away parts of ‘me’ everyday, when all of this is over what will be left? Will there be anything that vaguely resembles the person I once was or will the only thing that remains from he past be a personalises face of the familiar. Who knows…
I have a new found understanding and respect for people who suffer silently, not that anyone would even notice them if they walked past int he street. They have a look that can’t be explained in words, but I will try my best.
It’s happy, sad, frustrated, elated, tormented, repented, mourning, empathic, envious, avaricious and tired. There are so many more words I could use but I suppose the best would be they look like emotion. They look like you would expect and emotion to look, but they also look like they have just had enough and would give everything is they could go back to a time when they didn’t know their truth, or maybe that is just my reflection cast on them.
I understand what she meant now when she said that she feels like she doesn’t belong.
She suffered a break so bad that is changed her in a way that cannot be described, it has to be felt and to add insult to injury, I understand this and yet it still does not change how I feel. Instead it just heralds a knee jerk reaction to seclude myself and be alone, even when I could make all of her problems disappear but I just don’t want too. I have changed, I have lost the quintessential part of me that made me so different and now I am just like everybody else…. Or at least that’s how it feels.
Watching all the people walk past the window I see friendly faces and many more that are unknown. I also see the face of someone who has nothing but ager for me, but that face is a front and the words are empty, I pity them so. Yet now I understand them slightly more, they need to belong, they need control. The fool.
Today is going to be hard to survive and worst of all is the fact that I will. The emotion will be repressed, buried deep and life will continue, but the cost will be another part of me, but at least I’ve been able to see the world from a different perspective and learn what it means to be.