Time Again

People often say that if they had their time again they would’t do anything differently because they wouldn’t be who they are now.

I must be one of few who would do it all differently. I would take different paths, make different choices and never doubt my gut instinct.

If I had my time again I wouldn’t be who I am now, but that’s a sacrifice I’d be willing to make.

The Dance

As she danced joy descended from the heavens

She was so happy

But she knew who she was dancing with

She hoped to bring him back to the light

With sacrifice and love

The blindfold falls away but still she doesn’t look

What she feels is more true than what her eyes can ever see

All the time she is looking away

The dance lasted what seemed like a lifetime

She had played it all out in her head, from start to finish

Overcome with glee she wanted to look, to know that face

She was on her own

He was only there when she couldn’t see

That is the devils greatest trick

Love is blind, it cannot see, that’s the trick the devil played on me.

All or Nothing

With all that I’ve learnt over the years I should be surprised by anything anymore, but at least life still has some surprises for me, even if that are the non-pleasant variety.

I’ve gotten to the point now where I do really give up with people.

“I’m sorry if you feel that way. If you don’t want to speak to me ever again that’s your choice, you’re the one who walked out on us.”

That is the last message I saw before putting in place a permanent block that I will now not remove. As you can see I am the arbiter of all the evil that has befallen this poor young girl. It is true I knew how much she cared when we started our relationship and it’s also true that deep down I knew that it was never going to work… What a monster I am.

I tried to fall ‘in love’ and I just couldn’t make it past the stage of simple companionship. I could have stayed with her for the rest of my life but if I am honest I would never have loved her in the way she deserved or wanted me to love her. As a result of wanting to be alone to sort out my head and everything that’s going on I have been met with constant barrages of emotional blackmail from her.

What more can I say. Life rarely works out the way we want it too, but if she knew me as well as she claimed then she would understand that all she is doing now is reinforcing my choice to be alone. Having someone hinge their entire existence and happiness on you is a hefty wait on your shoulders, you’re made to feel guilty everyday, even though that imposed guilt is not intentional it’s always there.

Last night she said to me that I was to her what ‘She’ was to me. Deep down she always knew this to be true and the saddest and more horrid truth finally came out. If she feels for that way about me then from this day, and for everyone that she will now live, she will be looking for that same feeling but not matter how many people she meets until she finds something more none of them will ever be enough. That is the horrible curse of understanding what you consider to be ‘true love’.

How do I feel about it all?

I feel sad. I have broken yet another person, but worst of all is that this one had thought she had found her ‘one’ and now she will live each day looking for a way to fill that void. Hopefully she will fill it quickly because living with a hole in your soul is not an easy task.

A couple of weeks ago she asked me if I still loved ‘her’ the answer was and will always  be no, but that doesn’t change the fact that I know what I need to feel for a person to be able to commit myself to them. Considering all of the people in the world there statistical chance of feeling that way again is possible, how long it will take to find is another question but I doubt I will ever find it as long as I am looking for it, which if I’m honest is what I have been doing ever since that day and that has been the problem.

When we lose something we try desperately to replace it with something of equal or greater value, but all the time we are looking we compare it to what was and that fact is what hold us back. Nothing is ever the same, that doesn’t mean much because if it was the same then the outcome would be the same as it was before. What we need to accept is the concept of ‘same but different’ and if we can then when we stop looking we will find it.

The hardest part about the loss of this relationship is not that the relationship itself has ended, that was inevitable because no matter how I tried to convince myself the feelings just weren’t there in the way they needed to be. The hardest part is losing a close friend because like others before she will now become nothing more than a bitter acquaintance because I know she will never really be able to forgive me for not loving her enough. I will miss her but I will not apologise for how I feel, nor will I apologise for being honest. I do not want to be that person who wakes up beside someone 15 or even 20 years from today and looks across the bed only to think ‘what happened…’.

It’s funny how life plays out.

We do what we want, when we want to do it, and as long as we are all in agreement there are no problems but as soon as opinions differ or needs change the world implodes and it becomes all or nothing. We are either together or alone, friends or enemies, lovers or sinners.

In the end we are all or nothing.

I guess nothing isn’t so bad.

Young Lovers

It’s just like watching a movie unfold before my eyes.

He tells a joke, she laughs uncontrollably. The baby on the table next to them drops it’s toy and smiles gloriously as the young girl picks it up and hands it back.

It’s just like you would picture it.

I wonder what their story holds in future scenes, because invariably there will be the third act twist. Will he have had a girlfriend all along, will she fall in love only to be jilted like so many before her or maybe, just maybe she will be the one to break his heart in two…

What a story that would make.

He would struggle to prove his worth, taking on all the challenges to win her back and then in the end they would end up together and live happily ever after. Well, at least that’s what books, movies, plays and satires would have you believe. Sadly real life isn’t like the movies, not matter how much we wish it was.

It’s there for them though. They share a tender moment, each starts to let down their guard just that little bit, just enough to show a glimpse of what lies beneath. Just enough to show the other that once the initial flurry or emotion is gone there’s still more to know.

I think that is our problem really. We hold back too much, or not…

It’s a tricky situation it has to be said. Do we drop the guard and expose it all for the fear of rejection, or do we keep little back until the time is right. Decisions decisions.

My advise to these two would be to live for the now. Give everything you have, but not everything you are. Hold just enough back so that the ones who are worth it will know that they’re different because they get to see it all. It is only my hope that these two who’s story unfolds before my eyes both feel the same, otherwise like the great play that is life someone is going to get hurt because someone has too.

The universe demands balance.

Life itself depends on it.

Too much of something and we’re overwhelmed, not enough and we fail to thrive, as with everything there needs to be balance, it has to be just right otherwise nothing works.  Or at least that’s how I see it.

Did You Watch It?

Does anyone remember the TV show Heroes?

The main character, Peter, he has an interesting journey and by the end of it comes to realise he is the one who is going to become the bomb that destroys everything and all because he loses control.

Half way through the series he realises that he is the problem, yet he still tries to make things right. Eventually though he does indeed explode but just before it all goes wrong he is carried off in to the sky by his brother Nathan, it would seem they both sacrifice themselves, well until you see the second series that is.

What is the point of this post?

I guess I just feel that all of this is getting to me now. I am losing control of my thoughts more and more often, then I struggle to repress all the emotion but eventually I do. It feels like I am a bomb waiting to explode.

Tonights rage was the tip of the iceberg, the worst part is I know that I’ve not even come close to erupting yet. I just want it al to stop, I want it all to go away, I want to go to sleep and never again wake up so I don’t have to keep repeating this cycle of repression so that I don’t do something stupid. I don’t want to live anymore knowing that it’s only a matter of time before it all comes out.

I don’t want to explode, but like Peter I don’t have a choice. It’s not a case of if… It’s a case of when.


I am surrounded by incompetence!

To them it is a simple letter they have lost but to me it was a chance at regaining some form of normality in my life.

Why am I surrounded by such idiots!!

Hardly being able to control my anger after hearing the message left on my answer phone I tear through my home destroying everything in site in a fit of blind rage. They all come rushing to subdue me but they are not strong enough and are thrown across the room like rag dolls, all they can do is look on in terror as I rip the door from its hinges and effortlessly smash through the walls, the destruction of anything and everything can’t be stopped, I must break it all.

Crashing through the back door I grab the steel support and pull as hard as I can, it does not budge. I pull harder and harder but the pole is cemented in, I achieve nothing. Eventually using everything I had left I bring the lean-to crashing down,  I had finally worn myself down and the rage lifts. Turning to see the remnants of my outburst all I can see is a frightened pair cowering in amongst the dust and debris.

I have never seen a look of pure fear before. It was a harrowing feeling, but the result of my lost control.

Looking down at my hands they are broken and bloody but I could feel no pain.

I have truly been consumed by it all.

I am truly lost.

Living Hell

I really can’t live like this anymore.

I don’t know how those of you who suffer the same have managed as long as you have, but of me this is torture. My living hell.

Looking at the reflection makes me physically sick, yet I can’t look away.

Touching it deepens the cuts to my psyche but I can’t stop myself.

I just can’t do this anymore.