When Did This Happen?

“Is breá liom tú”

The last words I read…

They hit a nerve.

I struggle to explain the place I am in, no one understands why I’ve made the choices I have.

No one understands my despair.

I wish that I was the person everyone see’s, but I am not. they only see what I let them, no one really knows what goes on in my head except me because I have to live their everyday.

Reading back through the barrage of messages that went in circle after circle, I can only see desperation. A desperate attempt to show me how much she loves me. The sad part is I already know, but I can’t break out of the place I am in and any attempts to help me only drive me to retreat deeper in to it.

Logic seems to have disappeared, the lines have all been seared. I am forgetting so many things, memories, smells, taste and even words are slipping form my mind. i wake up cold and scared, unsure of where I am, unsure of what I am doing with this life yet to try and explain this to those who can’t understand is maddening.

Was the damage accrued over the years so great I never noticed it?

When did I become so lost that I want nothing more than to be on my own because I can’t let go and let anyone in that close ever again…

How did this happen to me?

To allow myself to be consumed by my own fear… To become so weak.

The worst part about all of this is only I can help myself, but to do that I feel the  need to do it alone. I don’t want people to see what I have become. I guess ‘they’ were right about me all those years ago.

I am crazy.


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