When Did This Happen?

“Is breá liom tú”

The last words I read…

They hit a nerve.

I struggle to explain the place I am in, no one understands why I’ve made the choices I have.

No one understands my despair.

I wish that I was the person everyone see’s, but I am not. they only see what I let them, no one really knows what goes on in my head except me because I have to live their everyday.

Reading back through the barrage of messages that went in circle after circle, I can only see desperation. A desperate attempt to show me how much she loves me. The sad part is I already know, but I can’t break out of the place I am in and any attempts to help me only drive me to retreat deeper in to it.

Logic seems to have disappeared, the lines have all been seared. I am forgetting so many things, memories, smells, taste and even words are slipping form my mind. i wake up cold and scared, unsure of where I am, unsure of what I am doing with this life yet to try and explain this to those who can’t understand is maddening.

Was the damage accrued over the years so great I never noticed it?

When did I become so lost that I want nothing more than to be on my own because I can’t let go and let anyone in that close ever again…

How did this happen to me?

To allow myself to be consumed by my own fear… To become so weak.

The worst part about all of this is only I can help myself, but to do that I feel the  need to do it alone. I don’t want people to see what I have become. I guess ‘they’ were right about me all those years ago.

I am crazy.

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The Slave We Know

Guide dogs always look so sad.

Why?

Is it because they are born in to a life of servitude?

I find it funny how animal rights activists will fight for animals who are treated unfairly, or abandoned but they never seem to say much about the animals that are conscripted to a life of service without a say in the matter. They have their free will stripped away without a second thought and that’s ok, they are born in to slavery but again that’s ok because it’s for the greater good.

The greater good, now that is an interesting term.

Who decides what acts are deemed worthy of the benevolent title that is linked to the greater good? Because from where I’m sat the greater good is a very subjective thing. We can enslave animals because it helps a human, yet no one sees this as wrong. Not even the animal rights activists seem concerned, perhaps it’s because the animals in question will have ‘good’ lives, but what is to say that’s what the animal wanted? Who are we to define what is good for them and what isn’t? If this was a human slave then there would be an uprising because we have the right to choose, but on that same token doesn’t everything have that right?

A young lady reads over my shoulder and decided to give me this answer:

“But they are bread for that purpose, they don’t know any different.”

My reply:

“… If that is the case why can’t humans be bread for the same reasons”

She turned back to her coffee in defeat. We seem to choose what is ‘right’ based on our needs, but that doesn’t mean it’s right for anyone else except us…

The next time you look at a guide dog I ask you to stare in to it’s eyes, you will see a sorrow that can’t be explained. It’s a breath taking sight.