Is nothing sacred anymore?
Do I have no place let to call my own?
Even this has become tainted by imitation. Could it by I unknowingly impose parts of my soul on people?
I can see how they start to change, yet I, as always, remain the same. My growth seems to be purely selfish and internal, the outward changes very little but what goes on behind the facade couldn’t be more different from what is expected.
As was my fear she is falling apart at the seams. I knew it would happen. Now the blame for this lies at my feet. She will ask question after question, begging for a different answer, denying what she knows to be true but that was always going to be the case. Such is the price to be paid.
I chose to be with her on my own terms because I cared, but the more she tried to force change the colder I became, especially after the endless onslaught of mental strain I’ve muted this year. I made it clear from the first signs of these troubles that I wanted to deal with them alone and that to be near me would come with a risk, my warning fell on deaf ears because like many before the thoughts of her perceived reality and actual reality were very very different.
“Why won’t you touch me? All I wanted was a cuddle…”
Something so simple and easily dispensed, but the simple fact was that I had explained countless times I didn’t want to be touched or close to anyone was ignored, more so because of a lack of understanding than anything else.
So many times I’ve explained and no one has listened, I see no more point in talking anymore.
I will be asked how I can be so cold and my answer will be the same as it always has been; easily.
Why reach out for something that is no longer there?
I know how she is feeling, simply because of the words she has used…
“Why, after you know how much it hurt to hear did you say what she said to you to me?”
The echo of my past resonates in her voice. Comparing two entirely different types of love. I keep a lot held back because there is no need to upset the balance, especially when people already know answers to their own questions. Everyone wants to be the one that made the difference, the exception, the one to make it all better but in reality there is no such thing. There is only who was there at the time when you felt ready and if you’re lucky they were ready too, but if not then you will suffer what has been known throughout history as ‘heart break’ because at that moment in time one of you wasn’t ready.
While it is true you can try and make things work for the better, it won’t change the underlying facts.
Do I care? Of course I do.
Do I love her? Yes, it’s the kind of love from those days where people got married and worked at their relationship together, equally and on the same terms.
Am I in love with her? No… And that is the problem. She is in love with me and wants so desperately for me to feel the same and be the man she has pictured in her head, but sadly the reality is different from the dream.
Am I sad? Yes, things didn’t need to go this way. Hidden truths never needed to be made real and immortalised in spoken word, I would have stayed the course and allowed things to have grown naturally because those good moments outweighed the bad, until it started to consume her… until she let fear set it, and instead of trust there was only a lust for control.
I guess as far as people go I’m one of those who isn’t afraid to admit that they are the problem. After all, I’ve always been the one to walk away in the end because I’m not scared of being alone. What really scares me is being with someone and wasting their life when they will be better off without me. That look 20,30, 40 years from now that says ‘why’ and hold you responsible for their misfortune.
I can see why people choose to be alone, I can understand their plight and I can even understand why people stay together unhappily. It’s just not something I want, love should be equal though it rarely ever is. There have been many times have I hurt a good woman, someone who would have been a wife, friend and life long companion, none of them deserved to be hurt by me, but at least I can see them all now with new partners who gave them what they wanted. At least now I can see them happy because in the end I’ve always known I will end up alone for one simple reason… I choose it.
Before you can devote yourself to another you must first be able to let go of your childish ego and that is something I still haven’t done. We all want an ‘adult’ relationship but how can this be achieved when there are still some many like me who are still merely selfish children at heart.
To know ones self is a frightening thing, especially when you’re me.