Pushing, Pushing, Pushing

Why won’t people just leave me alone?

They all incessantly push again and again trying to force their way in.

When will they understand that unless I want them there or I ask for their help it means they need to stay away.

Last night gave birth to yet another argument. I was pushed to the precipice and I simply lost the will hold back anymore. She wanted everything but knew that it was not something that could be taken, only given. The row escalated as we lay there in bed and I knew I had to leave.

Standing between me and the door I grew angrier as she blocked my escape.

Resisting the urge to explode and descend in to a rage filled frenzy I simply grab her arm and pull her out of my way. She had gotten so light it was like moving a rag doll from one chair to the next.

Still she persisted.

“All I’ve done for you! All I’ve put up with!”

Words that only angered me more. I never asked for help, I find it insulting when people throw that sentence out there. Like the person it’s directed at owes them something….

It is true that this last year has been difficult, I won’t ever deny that but even so, I will not be held bound by people who have helped when I’ve not asked for it. I said from the very outset of my problems that I would rather deal with things alone and if I had this situation wouldn’t have happened… I again ignored gut feeling for the sake of someone else and it has only caused more problems.

As she followed my outside I finally let go and told her what she wanted to hear… I told her what I needed to for her to stay away and leave me in peace.

“I don’t want to be with you. I am not in love with you, and I never was.”

I watched as she split in two.

Why do people feel the need to push me so far?

Why do they need to hear truths that they don’t really want to hear?

While I may not have been ‘in love’ with her it didn’t mean I didn’t love her, but as I knew from the start it wouldn’t be right for her as she, by her own classification, was an ‘all or nothing’ girl. From the very outset things were jaded… I knew that and yet I still chose to be with her and see if the feelings of unconditional love would be allowed to develop naturally over time. This sadly was a pipe dream.

I can hear the song on the wind…

While she takes it upon herself to scream from the rooftops that she wasn’t enough and play the harp of despair I simply turn a deaf ear.

I have had people say a great many things about her.

How I should be thankful for her love. How no one will ever love me in the same way. How I should stick with her… I am not like everyone else. If it’s not there It’s not there. What is the point in what could be called a relationship when in your heart you know you’re trying to love by someone else’s rules?

I admire those who can be ‘happy’ and ‘content’ in their relationships because they know no different, sadly that’s just not me. ┬áIn my current frame of mind I want to close my eyes and eternally sleep, I want to be left alone, is that too much to ask?

Why must people keep going on at me?

Why must they push and push and push?

Why can’t they just respect my choice.

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