Words From The Wise

A few wise words from a friend found their way to my door. He is a wise man and a far more intelligent soul than myself but while they had the best of intentions they only served to cement my view and push me further in the opposite direction to which they intended me to go.

There seems to be one thing that is forgotten in the world today, advice is only welcome if asked for. Especially by someone like me. I have always found my way to my desired destination, though the route is not one everybody agrees with. Many times people have tried to impose their good will on me with the best of intentions but it only makes matters worse, after all, I’m the one who decides and my head just won’t let allow me to be told what to do when it’s something that opposes what I want.
I found myself reading over and old book on the psychology of manipulation, they’re all their, each holding a different sway that will have the desired.
Guilt, Intimidation, Appealing to Ego, Fear, Curiosity, The Desire to be Liked and finally Love.
Each one has been used on me more times than I care to remember over the years, but they will only work if your desires are the same, if not then you have no hope of changing my course.
To explain why i do what I do is pointless, it’s not for fear of getting hurt or broken or anything else, it’s because I choose too.
My nature is greed.
I want what I want and I always get it.
Some will say this is the typical attitude of a sibling-less child and they might be right, but regardless I’ve always worked for what I’ve wanted and no matter how long it took I always go it in the end.
If I was to feel that freedom was being stripped away, be that physically or mentally, I will cut off. A defence mechanism this maybe, but it’s kept me moving forwards all the time thus far.
Most people want the stable life, the boring life, the life of routine. It’s a good life to have but style of life requires commitment and the sacrifice of freedom. I guess I am just not ready to let go of my freedom yet.
If only people would listen to each other, the world would be an easier place to live in.

My World

Around and around we go…

It all falls back on me again. Me being the one who has ‘broken’ someone. Tsk….

I wish I had such power that is attributed to me, but in reality I am just a person like everyone else who is flawed and perhaps lets things happen that they shouldn’t, perhaps that is the price for caring. Maybe that’s the Almighty’s cruel little joke, that we can make everyone we touch elated for a short time and reciprocate the feelings until the candle has burnt out and we are once again left cold and wondering what went wrong.

Where we went wrong.

The faults lay with me. I have tried to let people in but there is still that place they cannot see, there is still so much they have yet to learn about me and why I act the way I do.

I knew a long time ago the eventuality of this outcome, but I never dreamt it would be this soon though I wasn’t prepared for such extra mental strain. Holding that overhead requires my focus, everything else is secondary. My avarice demands it.

I don’t want to hurt people, I hate seeing them cry yet it’s all I make them do.

In the end being alone is the only way I can keep people from getting dragged in to my world of hurt.

More Tears

It hurt to see her cry like that.

All she wants is to love me, but even after all the times I have told her what I need recently she still fails to listen.
It leaves me in a precarious position. Give in out of guilt and pity to have myself feel worse as each day goes by or stay the course and pray she finds her feet on her own… I don’t want the added stress.
To explain what is happening to my body and my mind everyday is hard and largely pointless, because unless the listener has been in this situation or lived with similar they won’t understand.
No one understands.
Doctors are paid to listen and help yet they are always reluctant, the fools. I wonder if they even know how to help an individual such as myself who isn’t sick or dying but degrading long before his time is due, I guess as the most recent one said, i will just have to sit and wait.
It would be so easy to make a physical cry for help. I’ve tried voicing the psychological issues but they have been brushed off. Maybe a physical cry is the only way to really get their attention, but to do that I would have to prepare for the hurt that it would cause as I made all those around me feel helpless to help.
I think this is the problem with people. They want to be enough to help yet can’t fathom why they fail when their help isn’t wants needed. Calling out words of agony “Why am I not enough?!” the answer to that is simple, because you’re not. You’re not enough of what I need right now, none of my family are… but that does not mean that I don’t care, I just want to be alone to get through these troubled times.
We need what we need, we need what we want but very rarely do we need anything else.

Follow

Where I go you cannot follow,

To the place so cold and filled with sorrow,

It’s home for me but not for you,

Stand up, be strong, you’ll make it through,

For where I go you cannot follow,

Walk away from the somber morrow,

Farewell my love, you’re now set free,

Go forth and live your life, there’s no hope for me,

Because where I go you cannot follow.

Pendulum

It was like looking in to a mirror linked to the past.

So many habits, actions and outcomes are repeating themselves, the only difference is this time I am watching it from the outside in. This time I am not the one going though it all, the sad part is I know every emotion that is being felt because I was in that place all that time ago. The feelings are the same but the situation is different for I am not playing games, I simply just want to be left alone to climb out of this hole I am in.

My admittance of this would only serve to deepen the wound.

While the situations are intrinsically different the feelings would undoubtably be the same. It’s hard to watch someone you want to protect go through the exact pain you suffered, but there is no emotion… There is no urge to run and hold her close… There is nothing. Only distance. Only damage. Only solitude.

There is only the selfish choices I have made.

Feeling so numb to everything is strange, the focus is on finding what was lost though I don’t know when I lost it.

The mental strain is just about bearable on my own, currently I am not strong enough to deal with anyone else draining me when I use every ounce to what I have left not to go insane. But I know there is no real explaining, unless you’ve been here you can’t hope to understand.

The pendulum has started to swing. It will continue to fly back and forth until it meets a halt in the middle ground, but until that point the days will go from from good to bad to worse.